Twists of Fate
by Urby
Summary: No words can describe this story, but a few that come close are 'droll', 'expeditious', 'insane', and 'bombastic'. To put it another way, lots of funny explosions, all at once!
1. Tutorial Battles

Today's reality check is brought to you by Green Magicite...without him, there'd probably be fish in the skies and birds in the sea. Yey for him, he's also the guy that co-writes this shmuck when the need arises.

Ah yes, and if you think anyone's out of character, well, I'm sorry, Mr(s). Nitpicker. I tried. (point to any who can find where I got that)

Based on the now-dead (at least her fanfiction account) Manami the Ninja Goddess' idea, if it weren't for her starting this all I wouldn't have thought of it. If you're out there, go you!

* * *

Lloyd yawned, wondering how carrying buckets at the back of the class was supposed to help him pay attention. All it was doing was making him so very tired... 

All too soon he had fallen asleep.

"Lloyd?" a voice whispered.

Lloyd kept sleeping...

"Lloyd!"

Something was shaking him awake.

"Whaaaat?"

Genis sighed and dragged him away. "Class was dismissed a half hour ago!"

"Really?" Lloyd wondered. "Only a half hour? Usually it's late during the afternoon you come to wake me."

"I remembered," Genis shrugged.

"Did the Prof say anything important?"

"Not much."

Lloyd stretched, feeling better. Being cooped up in that old classroom was uncomfortable.

"Heya," he called out to the blonde currently bent over a tablet.

"Hello," she smiled before returning her attention to it. "Just doing some last minute studying."

"Oh yeah...tomorrow's the day you get your oracle, right? You'll be able to start your world regeneration journey," Lloyd nodded, proud he remembered.

"Yeah...I'm reviewing some angel script, to make sure I didn't forget anything..."

"Don't forget to sleep. Won't be very good if you fell asleep and the oracle called."

* * *

A quiet evening...for some. Colette couldn't sleep, there was something troubling her, not the oracle, but something else. She had something to do before she could sleep and wake up to her 16th birthday. She lit a candle and took out a piece of parchment and a quill, _Dear Lloyd, by the time you read this…

* * *

_

Another day, another day of class, another day of Lloyd standing at the back of class with buckets in his hand.

The class was in the middle of a conversation only video game junkies listen to when there was a blinding flash of light.

"That must be your oracle, Chosen," the teacher said, rubbing her eyes. "I'll go to the temple and make sure everything is alright." She left then, leaving the class unsupervised and trusting in their judgment..

"Well this sucks," Lloyd groaned, shifting his weight to another foot. "I'm not supposed to let go of these stupid buckets until the Prof tells me to."

"Oh, put them down if you must," Genis sighed, taking them away from him. "No one will care anyway."

The rest of the class was up and about, chatting aimlessly. Only Colette remained sitting, fidgeting nervously every once in a while.

"Why so jumpy?" Lloyd asked, sitting on a desk next to her. Genis stood nearby, leaning on the wall.

"I'm so exited, I'm finally going to go out and do what I've been preparing all my life for, after years of 'you'll do this' and 'you'll do that' I'm going to do something and make the world a better place...I can't really describe it."

"So..." Lloyd began, thinking of an excuse to get out of class. "Let's go to the temple."

"But Raine said!" Genis yelled, causing everyone present to turn. For such a small boy he had a loud voice...and a big mouth.

"I think it's a great idea," Colette whispered, nodding. By now the rest of the class had lost interest.

"After all, no one will care anyway," Lloyd smirked, poking Genis in the side.

"But..." Genis sighed, giving up.

"Okay, majority rules, we're going," Lloyd file out with his two friends close behind.

Right after they left the school a random monster approached.

"Oh fun, a tutorial battle," Genis complained with evident sarcasm. "Why do all journeys have to start off with a tutorial battle?"

"Free experience?" Colette offered.

"Can't argue with that," Lloyd jumped into the fray.

**A few rather easy tutorial battles later...**

"Anyone hurt?" Colette asked, dusting herself lightly.

"We could take a nap at your house, get all healed up," Lloyd proposed.

"I don't quite understand that logic, but oh well," Genis shrugged.

**One nap afterward...**

"Temple time!" Lloyd ran out of the village.

"Acting like he's just won a million gald," Genis grumbled while trying to keep up.

"Wait up!" Colette shouted after him, lagging behind.

After fighting wolves, falcons, and a rather nasty hare, (That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!) the 3 arrived at the Martel Temple.

Colette shivered nervously. "Something's...wrong..."

"Chosen! Get away from here!" a priest staggered out weakly, speaking in a raspy whisper.

"What happened?" Colette demanded, helping the priest stand up.

"The Desians..." he went limp.

"Let's go!" Lloyd unsheathed his swords and charged up the stairs to the temple.

"Yes, sir," Genis mumbled.

At the site of the temple, a few Desians were gathered. The one with black hair that was obviously their leader turned to the three.

"What's this?" he smirked. "The Chosen and her goons have come to challenge us?" He had an obvious accent.

Lloyd pointed a sword at them. "What are you Desians doing here? We have a peace treaty with you!"

The leader blinked a few times but recovered. "We have our reasons. Get the girl!" he pointed at Colette and a few fighters armed themselves.

"More experience!" Lloyd smiled, slashing through a soldier.

Genis had something witty to say but slammed by a giant wrecking ball carried by a trollike thug.

"Canaries!" he said stupidly, pointing to some invisible object in front of his face.

"Get up," Colette helped him on his feet. "We'll need all the help we can get with this guy!"

But no matter what they did, the task seemed impossible. The brute shrugged off any attacks they threw at him and hit five times as hard.

When all seemed lost, a mysterious, purple-clothed, red-haired (and hot, according to some) stranger appeared, casting healing spells as he went.

Lloyd, with new strength, stuck the giant, sending him flying.

"Kratos? Damn! Retreat for now!" the leader Desian growled, fleeing with his remaining soldiers.

"Who are you?" Colette asked the stranger, unsure about his intentions.

He dusted his armor lightly and sheathed his sword before speaking. "My name is Kratos. I've been sent to protect you, Chosen."

"Thank you," she bowed modestly.

"And you are...?" Kratos noticed Lloyd for the first time.

"I'm Lloyd," he answered, not completely trusting the newcomer yet.

Kratos nodded solemnly, walking toward the temple. "Come, Chosen. Lloyd, stay here."

"What!" Lloyd burst.

Kratos halted, but didn't turn around. "The road ahead is a dangerous one, Lloyd. You'd be safer if you didn't come."

"But she's going!" Lloyd pointed at Colette. "She'll be in danger as well!"

"She goes because she must," Kratos snapped, his tone getting icy.

"Stop!" Colette shrieked. "Please! Mr. Kratos, let them come along, they're my friends, I want them here with me..."

Kratos took a few calming breaths, maybe gained a grey hair or two, before finally saying "Alright."

Colette squealed happily and wrapped both her friends in a hug.

* * *

"Don't they clean these temples once in a while? This dust is choking me." 

"You're welcome to leave," Kratos turned a corner, stopping in front of a pulsating door.

"Is this your seal?" Lloyd asked, pointing. Colette nodded.

"We can't open it yet...it's 'locked'."

"Try looking for the Sorcerer's Ring," Kratos suggested. "It'll be able to open the door."

"One little ring? We'll find it in no time," Lloyd bragged, joining his friends in a search for it. "Hurry up, Kratos, or we'll leave you behind!"

Once Lloyd was out of earshot Kratos leaned his head on the wall, muttering about how children these days had too much energy.

* * *

"I give up," Lloyd panted, kneeling. "This ring is impossible to find!" 

"I hear voices," Colette piped brightly. "I'll ask them if they've seen the ring."

To everyone's surprise, it wasn't a small group nattering away, but rather one girl grumbling to herself, trying to open a chest. She smacked it, dragged it along, (tried to) throw it, and picked at the lock with a piece of wire. She didn't look like much, her clothes weren't in the best shape, but her hair dragged along behind her like a veil, maybe even longer than she was.

"First time I can't open a stupid chest," she muttered. "I swear, once I break it open I'll..."

"Excuse me," Colette spoke up, causing the girl to look up. She had the most striking yellow-green eyes.

"What?" the girl growled, returning to the chest.

"What are you doing here? There are monsters around, you could get hurt," Colette worried.

"I'll be on my way," she waved. "Just after I get this chest open." She jumped on top of it and bit on it, clearly desperate and out of ideas.

Colette walked up to it to see what was wrong with it, tripped, and fell on top of it. Something in the chest recognized her and opened in the classic RPG "chest-opens-only-when-a-party-member-touches-it" style.

"Sweet!" the girl squealed, plundering it. "Bye now."

"Come back here!" Lloyd shouted after her, already giving chase.

The girl tripped over her own hair and did a perfect nosedive onto the stone floor.

"Oh no," Colette gasped, rushing over to her.

The girl was dazed, eyes going in and out of focus. "Where am I?"

"You're at the temple of Iselia," Colette nodded.

"Ohhhhh yeaaaaahhh..." the girl said dumbly. "I was trying to get into this chest and it just wouldn't open..."

"I opened it," Colette nodded.

"You did?" the girl exclaimed, jumping a few feet. "I, Lynn, the great, famous (well, not yet anyway) thief couldn't get into a chest...but you...did?" she questioned, pointing at Colette.

Colette nodded.

"Wow...so, uh...what'cha doing here? Come to steal from all the chests too?"

"No," Colette explained. "I'm the Chosen, I'm here to unlock a seal...but I need a ring, called the "Sorcerer's Ring" to open a door...have you seen it?"

"That weird thing on the pedestal? It shocked me when I tried to take it. Want me to show you where it is?"

"Please," Colette bowed.

"Right this way," Lynn dashed off.

"Are you sure you can trust this kid?" Lloyd whispered to Colette.

"Well, she hasn't tried to hurt us yet. She seems friendly, goofy too."

"I heard that!" Lynn shouted from another hall. "Say that again and I'll-eeeeeeeeeekkkk!"

When they found her, she was already in mid-battle with a stone golem, effectively using a metal fan and a spear to damage the thing.

"A little help, please?" she shouted, leaping onto the golem's head and dodging the strikes he made to get her off.

"Right," Colette armed herself, joining the battle. After a few minutes the golem decided it had enough punishment and became a block.

"What now?" Genis asked no one in particular, poking the block.

"Let's push it around, see what happens," Lloyd suggested, already pushing against it. Despite Kratos' protests all four children managed to push the block over a hole, creating a passageway.

"It worked," Lloyd panted.

"It worked..." Kratos sighed.

"It worked?" Lynn wondered. "Anyway, there's the ring, go get it."

Colette walked over to the pedestal and procured the ring.

"Thank you, Lynn," she smiled at the yellow-eyed girl.

"Aww, no big," Lynn waved away the praise. "What are your names anyway?"

"Oh...well, I'm Colette," she began.

"Nice to meecha," Lynn nodded.

"This is Lloyd and Genis," she pointed them out.

"Guy in red, Lloyd. Little guy in blue, Genis," Lynn said as she shook their hands with both of hers. She walked over to Kratos, shaking his. "And you are...?"

"Kratos," he sighed.

"Ah, Kratos," she waved one hand lazily. The other was nowhere to be seen. "Lovely group you got here, Chosen. So what's this door you were talking about...?"

"Alright, just point the Sorcerer's Ring at the door and it should open," Colette said to herself, putting on the ring. Like she said, it opened as a small flame hit the door.

"Cool," Lynn smiled mischievously. "So where's this seal?"

"We should be there when we step on this pad," Colette said, stepping on a warp pad. "Come on."

As soon as everyone was standing on the warp pad they teleported to the seal room.

Lynn looked around, searching for something while Colette received her angelic blessing.

"I see no seals..." she said sadly.


	2. Slow Down

Today's reality check is brought to you by...the lack of milk in Urby's house. Without milk, Urby doesn't get any catnip-flavored ideas (crazy ones, for the uneddicated) so nothing crazy happens.

**Disclaimer Which No One Cares About:  
**Chances are, if you can recognize it, Urby doesn't own it.

**Responses to Reviews** (Urby's bored. But she'll only reply to reviews that ask questions.)

Green Magicite:  
Well, there are flying fish and penguins, but the government doesn't want you to know that. Shhh!  
Ph33r the Monty Python-ness. It _looks_ fluffy and cute, but it ain't...  
If seals don't exist in Symphonia then Lynn's not from Symphonia, eh? Dunn dunn dunn!  
However did you guess I was gonna put a "monsters attack while party is asleep" bit?

Wyvern's Darkness:  
Oh course Wyv's in; do you think I'm cruel? Feh. (mutters incoherently)  
I remember six chars, I'm only including...guess.  
(looks) Lynn mentions seals once and she's got a "seal mode" like Raine has a "ruins mode"? Sheesh.  
Which characters are in it...you'll have to find out.  
It depends on what the last five reviews said.  
Any background you give would be appreciated, send me a mail or something.

Lil-Samuu:

There will be more than one new character. Want a clue? Between manageable and unmanageable, there. I have experience with maintaining original characters but I've got limits. (looks) lost count on Banzai! and still haven't died yet!

* * *

"That wasn't so hard," Genis sighed, crossing his arms behind his head.

Lynn fiddled with something in her pocket. "Can we get out of here now?"

"Well, there isn't anything else to do..." Colette shrugged, obviously occupied by other thoughts.

"Well, then, good luck, Chosen. Do well freeing the seals," Lynn smiled, shaking Colette's hand.

"Thank you," she nodded nervously.

"You'll do fine," Lynn assured, letting go and smiling reassuringly. "I gotta go."

She walked off, whistling. Rather unexpectedly, there was a noise of electric current going through a body and Lynn shrieked.

"What the..." Lloyd rushed over to her, as the others did. Lynn was currently on the floor, sizzling and twitching every once in a while.

"Sorry," she croaked, holding up a hand with the Sorcerer's Ring in it. "Couldn't help myself."

"Lynn!" Colette scolded. "You don't steal ancient artifacts from people!"

"What about everything else?" Lynn couldn't help asking.

"You don't steal those either," Colette wagged her finger threateningly.

Lynn got up, shook herself, and ran off.

"Can we go too?" Genis sneezed. "I can't stand this place anymore. All this stupid dust and ruins and stuff."

Unfortunately for poor Genis, Raine was close by. Upon hearing "stupid ruins"...well, I'll leave that to your imagination. But you can bet your two left feet it hurt.

* * *

Colette dashed around the house, packing up her things, fretting, going so fast she tripped over seemingly nothing, fretted summore, and generally acting hectic.

"Slow down," Frank worried, sipping from a mug.

"But dad!" she snapped, stopping short of a whine. "I can't afford to mess this up!"

"Have you forgotten what we've taught you? Take your time."

Colette took a few calming breaths, walked up the stairs rather stiffly, turning back to her father for approval. Frank nodded and returned to his coffee.

Colette muttered incoherently and went to go get something else, but there wasn't anything else to get. She sighed and flopped herself on her bed, something she'd have to leave behind.

Like so much else...

"Chosen!"

"I'm coming!" Colette yelled down the hall.

After a few moments Raine poked her head in. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," Colette sighed, burying her head in her pillow. "I just need to realize I'm leaving this place forever. It needs to sink in."

Raine nodded in agreement.

"I'm going to miss everything," Colette sighed, flipping over on her back and twirling her feet in the air. "Do you think I'll see Lloyd and Genis again?" she turned to the healer.

"Do you want the truth or what you want to hear?" Raine shrugged.

Colette groaned and covered her face. "Why can't they come along? The least you can do is have them come with me and make my last few whatever-they-are a bit more pleasant."

Raine seemed to take great interest in some random object on the floor.

'Won't you miss Genis too?" Colette asked.

Whatever it was on the floor had Raine's complete attention now.

"Are you ready now?" Raine said softly, focusing on Colette.

"I will," Colette sighed, staring at the ceiling. "I just want to see them one last time."

* * *

"Ah, screw it!" Urby yelled, jumping on her computer desk who knows how who knows why, disrupting some papers settled quite nicely there. "They (as in the readers) know how the story goes!"

"And?" AeroSynn quirked an eyebrow. "What's with the leaping thing? You just organized those papers."

Urby turned, not expecting a comment. "Well, what I meant was, I'm gonna skip some stuff. That's all."

"Aha," AeroSynn nodded, picking up some papers. "Go on, then."

"Let's see," Urby grumbled. "How does Triet sound? Yeah, good place."

AeroSynn shrugged, putting all the papers in a pile. Urby clacked away at her computer, talking to herself and generally acting...well, like Urby.

* * *

"Wow," Genis whispered to Lloyd, helping him park Noishe in a horse-stall thing. "They are really serious about finding you, Lloyd," he pointed at a Desian pasting a wanted poster on a wall.

"The least they could do would be to draw me accurately," he grumbled.

"Aww, it's not that bad, see, it's accurate," Genis smirked, making a box with his fingers. "Stunning how they got your ugly mug right."

"Shut up," Lloyd snarled, yanking on some of Genis' hair.

"Ouch! No, not the hair! Anything but!"

"Anyway, on task," Lloyd huffed, letting go of the half-elf. "We need to see if anyone's seen Colette anywhere."

They wandered about, occasionally complaining about the heat.

"Look!" Genis pointed. "It's Colette! Or whatever's left of her..."

There was a tell-tale Colette-shaped hole in the side of one building.

"Yep...that's Colette, all right..." Lloyd sighed.

"You mean the Chosen?" some guy gasped. "Yes, she came by here. See this wonderful imprint she left?" he gestured to the hole. "Prime tourist attraction, I tell you!"

Lloyd and Genis sighed at the same time. "Do you know where she went?"

"Ahhh-she went that way, I believe," the guy pointed somewhere.

Lloyd and Genis nodded at each other, setting off in that direction.

Genis froze, elven ears picking up something.

"...Genis?" Lloyd stopped, turning around to face his friend. Quite unfortunately, a random Desian thought this would be a good time to knock Lloyd senseless...and did.

"Eeep!" Genis cried, backing up. "Don't hurt me!"

Luckily for Genis, all he had to do was tag along as prisoner. Everyone: on three, "Coward!"

* * *

Lloyd woke up slowly, shaking his head. It was dark.

He tried having a look around, but all he saw was black.

Wait...

There were two small, round gold lights some distance away. Once in a while they vanished, only to reappear again.

"Hey."


	3. Pass the Popcorn

Today's reality check is brought to you by...A bout of writer's block. Wait, that's bad.

**Disclaimer Which No One Cares About:  
**Urby owns squat but Lynn. I think.

**Responses to Reviews:** (Urby's bored AGAIN...as if she isn't all the time...)

Green Magicite:  
Wrong on Lynn's homeplace bit. No, I won't tell you where she's from.

Imildras:  
(sticky sweet voice) And what the hell is wrong with Colloyd? If you hate it, back off from this story, as there will be more (as there is more Colloyd in the actual story than...say, Sheeloyd) What is with Sheeloyds and reading Colloyd stories and bashing and/or complaining about them? (mumblmumblgrwl)  
Too bad, I've already made too much of Caliph's background. I could squeeze some details in but other than that, his fate is more or less sealed, haha.  
(mumblemutters about how people should run their reviews through spellcheck and it would be a hellova lot better, even if spellcheck is an arse)

Wyvern's Darkness:  
Wrong on the number of charas! Ahahahahaha!  
No, I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Your "starts with S, ends with S" shmuck doesn't help either. If it has anything to do with Sheeloyd, you can just faggedabboutit.  
Wait...Sheeloyd doesn't end with S...  
I skip stuff 'coz I haven't played the entire game (gasp!) so yeah.

* * *

"Who are you?" Lloyd asked the gold lights. "Or what are you?" Something about the lights was scaring him, like they were boring into his soul. It scared him so much he barely formed the words.

"Geez!" a familiar, young voice spat and the lights narrowed. "Forgot about me already, Mr. Guy in red?"

Lloyd blinked.

"Lynn?"

"Bingo!" Lynn sighed. "Good lordy!"

"What are you doing here?" Lloyd asked. The lights, which must have been her eyes, weren't as threatening now. He could have sworn they were much brighter and terrifying before, not quite human. Now they seemed like eyes you'd see on any person's face...just yellow-green. And slightly ticked.

"What about you?" Lynn snapped, a faint growl arising from her direction. Her eyes glowed a bit brighter again.

"Uhhh...long story."

"Exactly!" Lynn's eyes bobbed up and down, indicating she was nodding. "You still got that ring thing with you?"

Lloyd felt for it. "Yeah."

"Good. Now c'mere for a sec. Gimmie it."

She put the ring on, wasn't shocked thank goodness, and shot a flame. It caught on a piece of bark she was holding, providing light.

Whatever kind of wood she was burning smelled delightful.

"What is it?" Lloyd pointed at the burning bark.

"Sacred wood," Lynn answered. "Stay back."

She threw the blazing material at the prison wall. It exploded, leaving a neat hole in it.

"Cool," Lloyd managed.

"I work with the stuff a lot," Lynn waved a vague hand. "Now let's get going. I'm guessing they took all your stuff?"

Lloyd nodded, completely weaponless.

"Then find it we shall," Lynn ran off, turning a corner. "Here they are." She tossed him his (sheathed) swords and grabbed her fan and spear, hooking the fan on a chain hanging loosely off her pants and slinging the spear on her back.

"Now what?" Lloyd asked no one in particular.

"We get out," Lynn punched the back of his head. "Dolt."

They meandered about, trying to look for something to get out.

Lynn froze, sniffing the air.

"What's up?" Lloyd asked, watching as Lynn continued sniffing, following the walls to try to find whatever-it-was.

"I smell wood," Lynn snorted, getting some dust in her nose. "Wood shouldn't grow around here, eh? Too...artificial, no dirt. There must be a reason why there's wood growing 'round here...and I think I know why."

"Why?" Lloyd said stupidly.

Lynn dropped on all fours, trying to catch the scent. Suddenly she bolted, nearly slamming into the sliding door because she wouldn't wait for it to open.

"Suuu!" she squealed, stopping in front of a sapling and going completely ga-ga.

Lloyd blinked, wondering what about the stupid tree would make her so hyper.

Lynn grinned evilly, knocked the tree down, and proceeded to peel long pieces of bark off of it.

"What are you doing?" Lloyd questioned, grabbing Lynn's hands so she couldn't damage the poor plant any further.

Lynn bit on his hands, making him let go with a yelp, and continued her vandalism of the tree.

"It's a sacred tree, see," she explained. "I take the bark and make these," she indicated little black bracelets on her wrists. "They can only be made with sacred wood, ya know."

"You're killing that tree just to make fancy trinkets?" Lloyd snorted.

"**Now look here**!" Lynn yelled, leaping so they had barely a noselength between them, emphasizing each word with a jab to his chest. "For your information, I need those 'fancy trinkets'!" she grumblegrowled and yanked some more bark off, stuffing it in pockets located near her ankles.

Lloyd refrained from arguing or asking why, those jabs hurt and he would rather not she do it again or something worse.

After she was done they meandered summore.

"Look!" Lynn pointed, indicating a cauldron-like object with a faint light over it.

The Sorcerer's Ring vibrated, pulling Lloyd toward it.

"Funky," Lynn commented, hanging nearby on a spinning-ring thing in the middle of the room.

The cauldron-like object emitted a few rays of light, which the Sorcerer's Ring gobbled up.

"More funky," Lynn smiled mischievously, jumping down from her perch to examine the ring a bit closer. "Does it feel any different?"

"Kind of," Lloyd shrugged, not being able to describe the feeling. "Maybe it works differently."

"Try it!" Lynn urged, bounding in excitement.

Lloyd adjusted it so it fit snugly on his finger, willed some of his mana to flow through it...

A small ball of energy floated out of it and hit Lynn. She screeched, getting a nasty shock.

"_Watch_...where you..._point_...that thing!" she coughed, fizzling.

"Sorry," Lloyd sweatdropped.

After using the ring to freeze two drones to some panels (you all remember how annoying it was...) and doing a puzzle involving a GameCube (which is when we all start to doubt Namco's sanity...) Lloyd and Lynn were cornered by none other than...that black haired guy from Chapter One.

"You? Aren't you supposed to be in the cell, awaiting your execution?" he demanded.

"Yeah, we're the main characters in the story, we're gonna wait for our death," Lynn rolled her eyes. "Pshaw!"

"Then I'll kill you now," the black haired one said, summoning an army of goons.

"Eeep," Lynn whimpered. "Too many! Game over time..."

"I think not!" Genis smirked, bursting in with Colette and co. "...I really need to think up of a better entrance..."

"True that," Raine sighed.

"Sweet!" Lynn cheered. "Now we outnumber them!"

_**Please rearrange your party so it includes four members.**_

"What?" Lynn screamed in outrage. "What gives?"

_**Rearrange them, dammit.**_

"Suck!" Lynn kicked at an invisible rock.

"Calm down, it's just a boss battle," Genis patted her on the back to placate her.

"Just!" Lynn roared.

"I'm waiting!" the black haired dood tapped one foot impatiently.

"In a minute!" Lloyd shouted at him. "Okay...how about..." he mumbled to himself, picking a team.

"Suck summore!" Lynn pouted, being left out. She kicked at another invisible rock. "Ah well. Pass the popcorn," she sat, gesturing to Raine, another unfortunate non-participant.

"Get your own," Raine snorted, having pulled out some popcorn from nowhere.

"Gimmie!" Lynn growled, getting into a scuffle with the healer for some of the snack.

"It's mine!" Raine snarled, shoving Lynn away.

"I said gimmie!"

"Uh, guys?" Lloyd sweatdropped. "We defeated the boss, you can stop fighting over the popcorn now..."

"That fast?" Lynn said around the bit of Raine's robe she was chewing on.

"Yeap," Genis said matter-of-factly.

The popcorn vanished.

"Bother," Raine huffed.

"So, Colette, why did you come back for us?" Lloyd asked.

"Genis told us about you," Colette nodded. "And it's nice to see you again, Lynn," she smiled at the yellow-eyed girl who was looking for leftover popcorn.

"Genis, how did you find them?"

"Magic," Genis shrugged, both because he was too lazy to explain and he wanted to annoy Lloyd.

"So...Lloyd, Lynn?" Colette started, staring at her feet. "Do you want to come with me?"

"Where?" Lynn blinked.

"We're going to the Triet ruins next to unlock another seal," Colette explained.

"Will there be nice and nifty stoff among the way?" Lynn raised her hand.

"I guess," Colette said, a bit unsure.

"Count me in!" Lynn leaped, giving her a high five. "One question: Whereddaheck is Triet?"

* * *

"Aaaarugh!" Lynn complained, shaking sand off herself. "Too much sand! Too much walking! Bll bllp bleagh!" she coughed up some sand, grimacing.

"Duh, it's the desert," Genis growled, spitting out grit in his mouth.

"Triet!" Raine pointed, indicating a city barely visible ahead. "It's getting dark, we should stay there."

* * *

They arrived, booked themselves at the inn, and killed some time.

Lynn was meandering about the café, occasionally picking some pockets and listening to some conversations, leaving because none of them were interesting.

"Bad Lynn!" Colette scolded, spying the little thief stealing.

"Hey, can't help it," Lynn shrugged. "You can't tell a monkey not to act like a monkey, right?"

"Are you saying you're a monkey?" Colette tipped her head and smiled.

Lynn swiped at her in a friendly way.

They spied a rather odd couple in the corner, a hooded figure and a girl seemingly made of water, nattering away. They seemed youngish, not quite adults.

"Efreet must be around here..." the hooded one started.

The girl made of water slapped the table, leaving a wet mark in the shape of a hand. "Why can't we just not look for Efreet? We've been here and there for, like, ever."

The guy in the hood (we're guessing, the voice sounds masculine...) sighed, propping his(?) head with a hand. "I miss home...the chocobos...the moogles...the-"

"Shut up!" the girl whapped the cloaked dood.

"Fine," the guy sniffed, hurt both with the smack and maybe his pride. "I'll talk to Diana then." He took out a small blue falcon and started ranting to it about how he missed his home.

"Efreet!" Colette whispered to Lynn. "That's the Summon Spirit that governs the Seal of Fire!"

"And?" Lynn snorted.

"That's where we're going," Colette explained. "Excuse me," she called out to the pair. "Are you two going to the Seal of Fire?"

The girl and hooded dood turned. The guy took off his hood, confirming that yes, he was a guy. He was rather pale, and his ears were rather pointy.

"Maybe," the guy said carefully.

"Ah, don't sweat it," Lynn gestured in a friendly way. "We're not competitors or anything."

"I'm the only one that can open up the seal," Colette smiled. "Would you like to come with us?"

"More the merrier," the water girl exclaimed, jumping over the table to them. "I'm Sheryl!" she beamed, shaking their hands. Her skin, if you could call it skin, was pleasantly cool and moist, like a sponge.

"Runic," the guy nodded. The bird squawked, flying over to Lynn and perching on her head.

"Whoa there, don't get too friendly," Lynn tried to shake the bird off.

"How pretty!" Colette reached for it gently. "Can I see?"

"You're seeing already," Runic sighed, resting the side of his head on the table.

* * *

Kratos wandered about, not able to fall asleep.

He heard some happy squealing and barking noises from the barn. The squeals weren't Colette, and the barking thing didn't _quite_ sound like an ordinary dog...

So, acting very unlike his age and answering his nagging curiosity, (and those who've played the game know how old that is) went to go see what was going on.

Lynn was romping with Noishe in his stall, the girl bopping the thing on its nose and leading him on a grand chase around the barn.

"Shouldn't you be asleep?" he asked.

"Ah!" Lynn greeted him, trying to get on Noishe's back but failing as he kept rolling over. "You're...you're...ahhh..." she sweatdropped, realizing she forgot.

"Kratos," he answered for her.

"Oh yeah!" she smiled, getting a face wash by Noishe. "Big fuzzy furry beastie. Seems to recognize you. What's his name?"

"Noishe," Kratos said, leaning against a wooden wallpost.

"Aha!" Lynn grinned, a mischievous glint in her eye, as if she just found out something. She climbed on Noishe's head and sat cross-legged on it, smiling that oh-so-confident smile.

Kratos blinked, unaware what she was trying to get at.

"Where did you find that out?" Lynn smirked, pointing accusingly, eyes firmly on him.

Kratos was about to say "Lloyd told me," because it was a passable and likely lie, but there was something...stopping him from saying anything. His mouth refused to open.

"Hey, quit licking me," Lynn said good-naturedly to the green wolf-like creature currently making a mess of her face. As soon as she broke eye contact he felt he could relax, no longer pressured to tell the truth...or was it that he simply wasn't able to lie?

Seeing the girl was occupied by the creature, Kratos slipped away discreetly.

"Huh."

**Things of note and things to count:**

How Lynn's eyes effect people.

How many times Raine says "Bother".

How many times Genis says "Oh woe". (Fans of Crimson: it's baaaaaack...)

How many times Lynn gets shocked.

How many times Lynn says "Suck!" and kicks invisible rocks.


	4. Creampuffs?

Today's reality check is brought to you by...Lil-Samuu. Are you a Colloyd, Sheelos, or Gesea? Then go worship her. (burns a pencil in her honor)

**Disclaimer Which No One Cares About:  
**And now, for our feature presentation: THE DISCLAIMER!  
(Seven little figures walk up on the stage. There's AeroSynn dressed up as Raine, AquaSynn as Genis, PyroSynn as Regal, TerreSynn as Presea, Urby as Colette, and a special guest, Samuu as Sheena.  
Oh yeah, there's Lynn as...well, Lynn.)  
(Sung to the Oscar Mayer song.)  
AeroSynn: Our fav game has a first name  
Lynn: It's T-A-L-E-S  
AquaSynn: Our fav game has a second name  
PyroSynn: It's S-Y-M-P-H-O-N-I-A...that's a mouthful!  
Samuu: Oh, we love to play it every day...  
Urby: AND I SWEAR I'LL OWN NAMCO ONE DAY!  
Mr. Director: Sit down, Urby.  
Urby: Okay.  
TerreSynn: (signs the following) But until then we'll have to deal with our little copy of ToS right here... (pulls out a ToS game)

**Responses to Reviews:** (Like you don't know by now why Urby does this)

Green Magicite:  
Quit thinking everything comes from Final Fantasy! (hits)  
Genis hasn't said "Oh woe"...yet. He will. Heheheheheh...  
Where's the frying come from?

Imildras:  
Awesome. You missed an e. Yeah, I'm a spelling freak.  
I have implemented the _exact_ same personality for Colette than there was in the game...

Treekicker:  
I have beaten the game. I just haven't played some of the parts in between (I never saw the scene where Colette gets her wings...snuffoo)

Wyvern's Darkness:  
(blink) No, I'm not happy. I'm a fourteen-year old angsty teen, whadda you expect?  
Let's see...compare the number of MANDITORY Sheelos moments with the number of mandatory Sheeloyd moments...Sheelos won. Yeah, there will be some. (sticks her tongue out) Deal.

* * *

_Honk...shoo..._

"Lynn?"

_Honk...shoo..._

"Lynn!"

_Honk...shoo..._

"Noishe! Sic!"

(Bark!)

Lynn yelped, jumping ten feet and gripping the ceiling for dear life. "Esaa!"

Runic was looking up at her, cross-armed. Sheryl was next to him, playing with her hair. "Get dressed and going."

"Eh?" Lynn wondered. Her hair was so long it grazed the floor from where she was on the ceiling.

"We're...going," Runic said slowly, in case she didn't understand.

"Where?" Lynn yawned, not quite awake yet.

"The ruins!" Sheryl shouted, scaring Lynn so much that she fell.

"Oh yeah!" Lynn said stupidly. (Insert joke about being dropped on the head as a child...okay, so she's fourteen, so what.)

They went to the lobby, where Raine was giving her students a pop quiz.

"Ah!" she turned, spying the trio. "You!" she pointed at Sheryl. "A pH of seven is...?"

"Acidic?" Sheryl guessed.

"Wrong," Raine fwapped her with a book. She pointed at Runic. "The difference between a dragon, a drake and a wyrm is...?"

"Dragons are giant, fire-breathing lizards with wings and can usually manipulate magic. Drakes are dragons with no magical power. Wyrms are dragons with no wings or legs."

"Correct," Raine nodded. She picked on Lynn next. "Name the five W's!"

Lynn stood up a little straighter and clicked her boots together. "Wine, Whiskey, War, Weapons, and Wings!"

"...Interesting..." Raine began. "Not quite what I was expecting..."

"Did I get it right?" Lynn asked, worried.

"I'll let it slide," Raine sighed.

And Urby's a poet and she don't even know it. Heehee.

And then Urby killed whoever wrote that.

Then she realized she needed to revive herself in order to write the rest of the story...

So one of the characters threw her a life bottle and everything was alright.

Or so we hear...

* * *

"We're off to see the ruins, the wonderful ruins of Triet!" Sheryl sang, blissfully unaffected by the heat of the desert. "And really bad cream puffs!" ((Guess the two songs.))

"Quiet," Genis spat, restraining himself from choking the water girl. "She's even worse than Colette."

"I heard that," Colette swiped at him.

"Hey!" Lynn smirked, having an idea. "Get over here a second."

"Huh?" Sheryl turned, in the middle of singing a nonsense song. "What is it? You got cream puffs?"

"Make us some water," Lynn ordered.

"Okay!" Sheryl made a rain cloud over Lynn's head. There was a thunderclap and it started raining.

"Not what I meant..." Lynn griped, shaking herself. "Get it off me!"

"Ahhh..." Sheryl sweatdropped.

"What now?" Lynn groaned, trying to run away from the cloud, but it followed her doggedly.

"All I know is how to make clouds," Sheryl laughed nervously. "I don't know how to make them go away."

"Well ain't that just dandy," Lynn growled, trying to escape the ever-perseverant cloud. "Suck." She kicked at the sand, which was reduced to a muddy mess.

"You asked for it," Sheryl huffed, trying to defend herself. "And you didn't give me any cream puffs!"

Lynn shook herself violently, managing to get the cloud off her. It decided that the Sage siblings were a much better target and rained on them instead.

"Bother," Raine sighed.

"It never fails. I just washed this thing," Genis grumbled, wringing out his shirt. "Oh woe...now I'm gonna get a cold."

"Ahem, desert," Runic coughed. "You don't get colds in deserts."

Colette pointed ahead. "I see the ruins!"

* * *

"Oooh, fire-y," Lloyd observed.

"Let's clap for the smart one," Runic clapped sarcastically as a few butterflies fluttered by.

The group did some puzzles involving lighting lights and pushing some blocks (It worked?) and eventually ended up at a warp pad.

"There's a save point," Runic pointed out. "Let's use it."

"Save points are for sissies," Lloyd marched on.

"There's going to be a boss ahead," Runic called out so Lloyd could hear. "If you die and we have to start over, it'd be your fault!"

"Fine," Lloyd grumbled, stepping on the save point and concentrating. "There, I used it, happy now?"

"What's this?" Sheryl wondered, stepping on the warp pad and admiring the light that came out of it when she was on it.

"It's a warp pad," Colette explained, gesturing to the rest of the group. "Basically, you stand on it, and then the Chosen 'commands' the pad to send you to its destination. At least, that's how these pads work."

"Cool." Sheryl danced about. "Let's go, let's go!"

"Everyone, on the pad!" Colette called.

Everyone scrambled on the pad...with some (cough) difficulty.

"We have too many characters," Lynn hacked. "We can't fit!"

"We need to bust out with the mad Twister skills," Runic declared. "Okay, Genis, you stand on one hand, Lloyd, get on your tiptoes..."

After much yelling, swearing, coaching, reading the Twister rulebook, hitting, and blowing stoff up

...and even more swearing

"Is everyone on the pad?" Colette asked.

"Not for long!" Sheryl whimpered, having materialized into water and placed in a jar. "Warp now!"

Colette willed the pad to transport everyone to its other destination.

"Whoo, blackout time," she tottered and fell over. "Warping a lot of people is tiring."

"You okay?" Lloyd helped her up.

"I'm just woozy, that's all," she waved the attention away.

"Good, 'coz...there's a BIG GIANT MONSTER THINGY!" Sheryl shrieked, pointing at a giant wolf-type thing that was made of fire.

"Ktugach!" Lynn screamed, cowering behind a rock. Or something. "We're all gonna die!"

"Fire...Sheryl, you're on the team!" Lloyd pointed.

"Really?" she squeaked. Yep, she sounded like a mouse. "What if I don't want to?"

"C'mon, it's only a raging dog on fire," Runic shoved her ahead. "Go ahead, sis, fry 'im...err, soak 'im."

So, after much yelling, swearing, getting burnt, hitting, blowing stoff up and being blown up

...and even more swearing

"We won!" Lloyd cheered, holding up a sword wearily.

"We're dead," the corpse of Genis groaned.

"Good-for-nothing bother of a brother," Raine mumbled, healing him.

"Is it over?" Lynn squeaked.

"Yes, it's over, quit cowering," Runic dragged her away.

Lalalalala, Remiel came down to Colette, you can tell Urby hasn't gone through this part...

But she might come back to it later. Dunn dunn dunn!

A pair of wings sprouted out of Colette's back.

There was awed silence for a while. Colette flapped them gently, experimentally.

The first person to break the silence was Sheryl, with:

"I want."

Then Remiel commanded Colette to go to the next seal and flew away.

"Father..." Colette reached out for him, but it was too late.

"Well, that's all fine and dandy," Lynn leaned against a wall. "Now what?"

The group filed out of the temple in silence. Except for the occasional "Damn, she's got wings" from Sheryl.

As soon as they got out of the temple grounds, Colette collapsed.

"Holy-(something not appropriate for young children)! What the heck?"

"Okay, maybe I don't want wings after all," Sheryl hid behind Runic. "I'd settle for some cream puffs any day."

* * *

**Things to notice and/or to count:**

How Sheryl obsesses over cream puffs.

How Runic seems to have really random skills (Twister...)

How Lynn seems to be afraid of fire. Or wolves on fire. Or maybe just wolves. Or maybe just Ktugach. Or something.

The "...and even more swearing" bits.

Yes, I know all of them could have just put their toes on the edges of the pad...

What's with the butterflies? Hmmm...


	5. Palma Potion

Today's reality check is brought to you by...Urby's anti-stress kit. It's a large circle that reads, "Bang your head here".

**Disclaimer Which No One Cares About:**  
(drives around her room with an air-car)  
WonwonWOOOoonWOOONnnWOOOHNNnnn-eeeeeeeeeeeeee!brrreeeee!HONKHONKWATCHOUTsMASH!Ohmyleg!  
Now I own nothing 'cept this cast around my leg. Have a nice day! 'Coz I ain't gonna.

**...so I took it upon myself (yes, I think that's who it was) to answer the reviews...**

Green Magicite:  
Excuse me while I kill you because you dissed FF VII! Rawr.  
Okay, so I'm referring to a different kind of dragon/wyrm. SO SUE ME.

Lil-Samuu:  
Yes, the rain, I love the rain...  
I have never played Twister once in my life. Not like you need to know. (Shhh!)  
Spring Break is soon, I'll make a point to play the game. Must ignore my calls to play Phantom Brave...  
Don't worry, I can't sing either. Thus, the Synns can't. So we're all one big happy family of William Hungs. (I hate that guy. My brother's name is Hung.)  
I tell people to worship you because you deserve to be! (coughsodoIcough)

Wyvern's Darkness:  
Leik ohemgee, you growled at me. O.o like, I will totally shrink in fear and put Sheeloyd in the story and kill Zelos and Colette and we'll all live happily ever after and there'll rainbows every day! (butterflies fly by) NOT.  
Moral: Don't get Urby mad. Rawr! I had half a mind to bust out with my air-car and run you over. Wait, my leg is broken, I can't accelerate. Lucky duck!  
As for what happened to Kratos, see what happened to Regal in Crimson and you'll get it.

Guardian Weilder:  
(twitches and dies)  
NEVER CALL ME MISS URBY. THE PAIIIIIN...  
Isn't it "wielder"?  
FOR THE LAST TIME: I HAVE FINISHED THE GAME. I HAVEN'T COMPLETED IT.  
I need some happy pills...(steals Seldom's Prozac)  
Of course I'll put non-gay pairings! I hate those!

Imildras:  
Caliph...I have no idea when exactly he'll come in, but he will...  
Hmmm, that's something to think about, eh?  
More importantly, how does she know what Ktugach was called?

* * *

Colette blinked, pushing herself up off the ground. 

"Awake?" Lynn called out next to the fire where she was keeping watch. Noishe lay by, occasionally whining for a scratch behind his ear. The fire was barely lit, basically rendered to some gleaming coals. If it weren't for her unmistakable voice, Colette wouldn't have been able to tell who it was.

"Barely," Colette managed, sitting up.

"You've been zonked out for the last ten hours," Lynn said while chewing on a blade of grass. "Saved you some food." She nudged a plate toward her.

"Thanks..." Colette picked it up, sighing softly. As much as she knew she had barely eaten that day, it was about noon when she had fainted, she wasn't hungry.

Noishe thumped his tail and nibbled on Lynn's shirt.

"Noishe...sounds like an adjective, eh?" Lynn wondered aloud, trying to spark some conversation. "Noish-y...I'll use that next time someone asks me a question. 'How's your day?' 'Oh, it's just Noishe!' 'Like the sandwich you're eating?' 'Yes, it's really Noishe!' And stuff like that..."

* * *

_Zee next morning, foo._

"Now what?" Sheryl stretched, getting some kinks out of her hair. "Where do we go now?"

"Over Ossa Mountain," Kratos pointed.

"Okay!" Lloyd charged at it, running smackdab into the edge. "What gives? Why can't we hike this thing?"

"Because we need green Chocobos!" Runic pulled his hair in frustration, ears twitching.

"Chocobos?" Raine asked, taking out a notepad.

"Never mind," he sighed.

"So how _are_ we getting around this thing?" Lloyd huffed, kicking at the base of the mountain.

Like anyone who's ever kicked a rock before, you can expect it hurt.

"Owww!" Lloyd screamed, hopping around on one foot.

"Expect Presea to say something here when she arrives and Lloyd does something stupid," Urby held up her keyboard.

"Keep typing!" Seldom smacked her with her trademark frying pan.

"Righto," Urby saluted and did so.

"Uhm," Colette pointed at a trail between the mountains. "Maybe?"

"That might work," Lloyd rubbed his aching toes.

"Ossa Trail," Genis read as he approached the place. "Yep, I think this is it."

"You can read!" Lynn clapped sarcastically as a few butterflies flew by.

"Ta da, Ossa Trail," Sheryl announced as they went in.

"I have a bad f_ee_ling about this," Lynn whimpered.

"What?" Runic snorted. "Some Japanese-looking girl will pop out of nowhere, try to kill the Chosen, who looks too cool to be an NPC and joins the team later on?"

"Spot on that," Lynn nodded.

"Spoiler!" Genis whine/hissed.

"On three, we point and laugh," Lynn leaned over to Runic.

"Three," he said, and the both pointed and laughed.

"No fair," Genis whined, slumping in a cloud of gloom. "You're original characters!"

"Damn straight!" Sheryl sniggered.

"Ahem," Kratos pointed to the trail.

"Oh yeah, that," Lynn sweatdropped. "Let's go!"

**The following scene with Sheena will be skipped and come back to later when Urby has an idea what happened then. Instead, we're skipping to Palmacosta. DEAL.**

"Whee, Palmacosta!" Sheryl ran around the streets. "This place is awesome!" she buzzed around the streets, arms stretched out in a bird impression. "Zeeeoooommm...raaaaawawwwrrr...whoooossssshhh...nin nin!" (Point to anyone who can guess where "nin nin" and "whoosh" comes from)

"Watch we're you're going!" Runic warned.

"Pshaw!" Sheryl called back over her shoulder. "Whadda you think's gonna happen? I'm gonna run into a bunch of people?"

Sure enough, Sheryl ran smackdab into a group of travelers. A blue-haired girl dropped a bottle, and it landed with a saddening crash.

"Ahhh! The Palma Potion we just received!" the girl shrieked.

"Whoops," Sheryl hid behind Runic.

"You..." the blue-haired girl fumed.

"Chill!" Lynn stepped out. "We'll get you another one!"

"You better!" the blue girl huffed.

So, that's how the group found out they _didn't_ have enough money for the potion.

"1000 GALD?" Lynn screeched. "ONE. FRIGGIN'. THOUSAND?"

"Yes?" Cacao whimpered from behind the counter. "You can work at the cafeteria...get some money there?" she suggested.

"Suck!" Lynn kicked at the dust in the store.

So they went to the cafeteria.

"Work? Well, we have some openings for waitresses...we need some young lasses behind the counter."

So that's how Colette, Lynn, and Sheryl ended up taking orders.

And no, Raine doesn't count. Ah-ha!

"You wound me," Raine sniffed.

"H'okai!" Lynn crossed her arms, taking position as leader for now. "Which one of us has the best memory?"

Silence...

Crickets chirp...

"What are we talking about again?" Sheryl asked.

"Memory, not attention span," Lynn answered.

A bit more silence.

"Who are you again?"

"Okay, two strikes for Sheryl," Lynn sighed.

A moment passed before Sheryl exclaimed "Oooh! Cream puffs!" and went offscreen to go get them.

"We're doomed," Colette stated flatly.

"But there is good news!" Sheryl piped, going back onscreen with a cream puff in hand.

"Really?" Colette turned. "What is it?"

* * *

Meanwhile, to tick you off... 

"And where do you think you're going?" Kratos stopped Lloyd from sneaking out of the town grounds.

"But!" Lloyd protested.

"No one leaves until we pay back the potion," Kratos tapped his foot.

"That's what I'm doing!" Lloyd said firmly, as if it was the easiest thing to comprehend.

"Looks like you're leaving," Kratos sighed.

"But there're monsters out there!" Lloyd whined. "So I'll walk around, monster goes by, bam, I kill it, get money, and there, we're done with this sidequest!"

"No," Kratos growled.

"But-" Lloyd started.

Kratos shook his head.

"Monsters..." Lloyd gestured.

Kratos didn't budge.

"Out there?"

Kratos sighed, trying to fight off a scalpful of white hair.

"What do you expect me to do, then?" Lloyd asked the sky, yelling in frustration. "Sit on my duff and wait?"

"Yes," Kratos seethed. "And do it quietly, please."

"But where's the fun in _that_?"

* * *

Okay, back to the girls... 

Uh...

Where was I?

Oh yeah. You were waiting to find out what Sheryl was about to say.

Well, guess what.

You'll have to wait. Mweeheehee!

Suspense!

Drama!

Sheryl bit into her cream puff! Leik ohemgee!

More suspense!

Waiting for dramatic effect!

"I just saved a bunch of gald by switching to Reiko," Sheryl announced.

**Reiko: Fifteen minutes could save you 15 or more on Rheaird insurance.**

"WHAT?" Lynn screamed, steaming. "ALL THAT FOR _THAT_? AND WHAT'S A RHEAIRD?"

"I dunno, but I'm saving 15!" Sheryl beamed.

**Sheryl earned the title of "Investor".**  
_Hey, you never know, it might come in handy one day!_

"Hey!" a customer yelled. "I'm waiting!"

After much yelling, swearing, tripping, breaking dishes (just kidding), eating cream puffs, and blowing stoff up

...and even more swearing

"Have a Palma Potion," the cook said, handing over a Palma Potion.

"Sweet!" Sheryl took it and ran.

"Rude," the cook pouted as Colette and Lynn dashed out along with Sheryl.

* * *

"Here," Lynn growled, handing the potion to the blue-haired girl. 

"Finally," she snorted, taking it gruffly from her.

"Just one favor?" Lynn asked sweetly, tipping her head and smiling innocently.

"...Okay..." the blue-haired girl shrugged.

"Look into my eyes!" Lynn ordered, gripping the girl by the shoulders, yelling in a voice so unlike a few seconds earlier.

A few agonizing seconds of silence.

"Help," the girl finally whimpered.

"Get your filthy paws off her!" a warrior-type guy roared, punching Lynn out of the way. She flew a few feet before landing near the real group.

"What did that girl do to you?" a mage girl asked the blue-haired one, who was shaking and turning an unhealthy shade of white.

"Her eyes..." she breathed, shuddering.

"Lynn, you okay?" Runic asked, lifting her up by the arm.

Lynn didn't answer, her face covered with her bangs.

"Lynn...?"

"Ha! I knew it!" she cackled. "Nothing but a coward! No courage at all!"

She proceeded to laugh her head off, apparently finding this very funny.

"Stop," one of the blue girl's companions grunted, loosing a lightning bolt at Lynn.

_Lightning fried girl...crispier and less fatty then their Kentucky counterparts._

"That was lame!" Lynn yelled at Urby.

"Hey. I am the _embodiment_ of lame," Urby stuck her tongue out.

"Let's go," the mage girl led their group away.

"It's late," Kratos pointed out as a butterfly flew by. "We should stay the night here."

"Where do these friggin' butterflies come from?" Runic swatted at it.

* * *

"I love inns!" Lynn bounded on her bed, reaching awe-inspiring heights. "You get to jump on the bed, you can leave your stuff everywhere, and best of all, there's free food in the morning! Happy happy!" 

"Be happy in a quieter way," Raine poked her head in.

"Well, moo to you too," Lynn blew a raspberry at her. "It's my room, I do whatever I flippin' want." She hung on a post on the ceiling and swung around.

"Careful," Raine cautioned, ducking. "Don't get hurt now."

"Me? Get hurt?" Lynn scoffed. "I've been swinging around stuff before I could even _walk_. Me getting hurt would be like-ouch!"

She dropped from the ceiling and did a satisfactory landing, sucking on her finger.

"What now?" Raine sidled behind her, smirking in an "I-told-you-so" way.

"Splinter," Lynn whined, trying to bite it out.

"Here," Raine sighed, kneeling next to her and searching for a pair of tweezers in her pocket. "Let me see that."

"Naaaawwwn!" Lynn wailed childishly, hiding under the bed.

"I can't help you if you're stuck under there!" Raine dropped on all fours and peered under the bed. Lynn's gold eyes stared back.

"Metal pokey things, ick ick ick!" Lynn growled, blowing a raspberry and hissing.

"They're not sharp," Raine explained. "All I'm going to do is pull the splinter out."

"Nan," Lynn spat. "Scary," she added.

"Well, have fun with your splinter then," Raine sighed, getting up and going to her room.

The local cat was settled on her bed.

"Shoo," she batted it away.

It leaped a few feet, apparently not expecting a visitor. For a few seconds it was paralyzed in terror, eyes wide and afraid.

"Out," she scooped it out.

She sat on the bed, suddenly reminded of Lynn under the bed. Her eyes were like those of the cat's...

* * *

**Counting shizzle/expectations:**

More titles. Oh yes, plenty of titles.

More butterflies. Figured them out already? I know one person should.

More "I am the embodiment of lame".


	6. The Nyet Chapter

**The following is the chapter between "Palma Potion" and "Stupid Unintended Rhyme". It is called the "Nyet" chapter...for obvious reasons.**

"Hmmm, it's quiet," Lloyd squinted. "Too quiet..."

"TM. Nyet!" Runic sticking his tongue out, causing a butterfly to land on his head.

"Dum dee dum," Sheryl twiddled her thumbs. "Should be any moment now..."

"Stop!" a feminine voice yelled.

"Oh, I so called it!"

A slender female leaped down from a ledge, standing in the way. Her attire was something rather...well, exotic for lack of a better word.

"Is she a friend of yours, Lloyd?" Colette turned to him.

"Say yes!" Runic hissed.

"Not that I'm aware of." Lloyd shrugged.

"Doh!"

"Is the Chosen of Mana among you?" the woman asked, crossing her arms confidently.

"Here!" Colette raised her hand.

"Good! Prepare to die!" the woman shouted, dashing toward Colette.

Colette took a few steps back (I mean, anyone would) and tripped, tripping a lever. A cricket chirped ("Hey, there's another insect reaction," someone said), and a trapdoor under the woman clunked open.

"Uh-oh," Lloyd gasped.

"Nyet!" Genis cackled.

"What the crap?" the woman shouted before falling into the hole. The party heard a little _thump_.

"Oh no!" Colette worried-sweated, running around the hole and peering down it. "I did it again! Oh, I hope she's okay!"

"Oh, bother," Raine shook her head and rested her hand on it. "If she hadn't fallen, you'd be dead by now!"

"Will she be alright?" Colette shook her head, not listening. She made her wings appear. "I'm going to go check..."

"NYET!" Lynn stopped her. "How long have you had those wings?"

"Um, a day, day and a half?"

"And how much time have you spent flying?" Lynn demanded, squinting.

"Not...much..."

"You can't go flying down there!" Lynn put her hands up in exasperation. "You don't even know how deep the hole is! You might not make it!"

"Well..." Genis began, "the depth of the hole should be about 10 m. Considering her weight to be 45 kg, she should be..."

"Since when did we start using the metric system?" Sheryl asked, raising her hand like a schoolchild.

"Because everyone else does," Genis answered.

"Americans don't."

"Nyeeeet, Americans are stupid."

"Well...yeah."

"45?" Lloyd scratched his head. "Are you sure?"

"Nyet, I think it was 50," Runic offered.

"47!" Sheryl jabbed a finger to the sky.

"Nyet! With that chest, she could weigh 65 kg," Lynn snorted.

"**It's 48 kg**!" the woman shouted, poking her head out of the hole and scrambling for a hold.

"You survived?" Lloyd turned.

"Of course I did!" she fumed. "Haven't you been listening to the two original characters?"

"No," Lloyd admitted. "I hardly listen to anyone."

"Oh _gods_, kill me right now," the woman sighed exasperatingly, letting go and dropping again.

"Hmmm. It's a maintenance opening for the trail," Raine knelt to examine the trapdoor.

"She'll get us soon. We must hurry," Kratos urged.

"Spoil our fun, why don't'cha..."

"Nyet." Kratos would have stuck his tongue out, but he's just _way_ too badass to do that.

Lalala, down the winding trail they went...

"W...Wait!" the voice cried out again.

The group turned to a huge wooden door. The voice had come from there, and something from the other side was trying to knock it over.

"Oh, _gods_...help me!"

The group managed to topple the wooden door. The assassin lay on the other side, panting. I mean, she was actually lying down. On the ground. You know what I'm talking about. At least I hope. Nyet.

"Hold on...let me catch my breath..." she waved a hand.

"Sure," Colette sat down.

"Alright!" the assassin girl did a flip to get on her feet, "This time, you're mine! Time to die!"

So then the group kicked her ass, nyet.

"Damn...grrr, I'll get you next time!" she vanished in a puff of smoke.

"How rude," Sheryl huffed. "Left without a goodbye."

"Those clothes..." Raine mumblemurmured.

"Say wha?" Lynn cupped a hand to her ear.

"Nothing."

"Why you suddenly interested in clothes? You saying she's got no fashion sense?"

"I said, nothing!"

So, having gotten rid of the 'really hot ninja chick' (so says my friends) they arrived on the other side of the trail, and continued meandering until they came to the small port town of Izoold.

"I'm bushed," Genis felt like announcing.

"It's getting dark," Raine looked up. "I'll book us some rooms in the inn."

"I don't see why we can't keep going just 'cuz it's all nighttime-y out," Runic pouted.

"You. Shut up. Capishe?"

"Hiss."

* * *

At the inn, lalala...

"Lynn?" Raine poked around, looking for the gold-eyed girl. "Where are you? You should be in bed!"

"ChmmMmmmr," the said girl growled, trying to pick the lock to the inn's kitchen.

"What on Sylverant are you doing?" the healer knelt to eye level with her.

"Chikero nai doz achu," the thief whined, pointing at the door and crying.

"What?" Raine sweatdropped.

"I want in," Lynn sniffed.

"Go to bed," Raine sighed. Lynn whimpered and slinked away.

"Odd little child..."

* * *

The next day...(best said in a lame voice)

"We need..." Lloyd began. "To get to Palmacosta!" a fanfare played, and a cricket chirped.

Kratos clapped very slowly, sighing wearily.

So, after doing that whole Aifread bit...

"Jeez! This thing is tiny!" Lynn inspected the ship.

"Well, _sorry_," Max growled.

"Heehee!" Sheryl walked on the edge of the ship, stretching her arms out for balance.

"I knew this journey would take me on a ship sooner or later…" Raine sighed, stepping on carefully. She curled up, turning an artistically interesting shade of green. "Bother..."

"Seasick already?" Runic sneered.

"Shut up."

"Noishe! Noishe, here boy!" Lloyd whistled. The large animal whined, pacing the dock.

"No! Large animals off the boat!" Max tried to shoo Noishe away.

"**What did you say?**" Lynn roared, jumping on his chest and glaring at him.

"Heh...nothing! Your dog can come on," Max laughed nervously. "Please stop looking at me..."

"Chhh," Lynn leaped off and sat down.

They barely managed to get Noishe on the boat and still remain afloat. A ladybug whizzed by.

"Wow, wonder what caused that," Sheryl attempted to catch it, but it was too fast.

"And the butterflies!" Runic complained. "They always swarm me!"

"Nyet, that's because you cause them..."

"Shut up!"

And so, they sailed to Palmacosta...


	7. Stupid Unintended Rhyme

Today's reality check is brought to you by...Chili! I fed chili to the pigeon and it went boom! ...okay, so it's not that funny...

**And now: (drumroll)**  
"Welcome to zee Rroyale-y Out Of Caracturre Deesclaimerr Theyater, verr even zee ohturre must be OOC," an Urby dressed in a striped shirt, beret, and a sophisticated mustache said in a French accent.  
She turned to a waiting Sheena Beastial. "Sheenah, would you do zee honurres?"  
"Sweet!" Sheena bounded up and down. She cleared her throat and assumed a fighting pose. "I am a ninja! (Wataou!)  
I use my Chinese star  
To pick the locks  
And steal your car!"  
Urby blinked.  
Sheena blinked.  
Urby blinked again.  
"Ninja away!" Sheena yelled, throwing a smoke bomb and vanishing.  
"Sacré Bleu!" Urby coughed. "Zut alors...she was sepposed to do zee deesclaimerr..."  
She coughed again. "Zo! Err-bee owns naughting. Zee End."

* * *

"WAKE UP!" Lynn screamed in everyone's room, shaking those who didn't react.

"Owww," Raine groaned, covering her ears with a pillow.

"Hey, you there," Lynn hung on a ceiling post and looked at Genis, who slept away. "I said, WAKE UP!"

Genis continued snoozing.

"Geez!" Lynn snorted. "What's with this kid?" she looked at Raine.

Raine said nothing, other than some angry mumbling.

"Well...mayn, that's a pretty impressive snore for such a little kid..."

"Pinch his nose!" Lloyd suggested.

Lynn held the little half-elf's nose.

"Nnguh!" he shook his head irritably, but remained asleep.

"Silly children," Raine scoffed.

"Das Frig!" Lynn growled. "What's it take, huh?"

"Pour some water on him," Colette yawned, passing by.

"Aha," Lynn smirked. "Where's Sheryl?"

"She's not awake yet," Runic mumbled. "And quit yelling."

"Try bopping him with the kendama," Lloyd pointed.

Lynn took the thing from the table and smacked him with the ball.

"Hey!" Genis finally mumbled, shifting deeper in the sheets. "What time is it?"

"Now that you're _finally_ awake," Lynn took a deep breath. "GET OUT OF BED!"

"Oh...owww..."

"Did you mean 'oh woe'?"

"I was getting to that!"

"Well, _anyway_," Lynn huffed, "let's go!" she dashed down the hall, only to have a severe wheezing and coughing fit.

"What's going on?" Runic rushed out, finding Lynn on the floor, writhing.

Lynn waved a hand feebly, hacking. "Orrrr...rrraanj...smell...allkkk..."

Raine sniffed lightly. "She's right...there's a citrus scent in the air."

"Get...me...'way...can't...stand..."

Kratos looked like he was about to say something, but refrained from doing so. Runic dragged Lynn away by her hair. Normally, she would have minded, but the orange scent was taking a toll on her senses.

"Alright, explain yourself," Raine shook the girl as soon as they were outside.

"Whazz there da zey?" Lynn hiccupped. "See mah eyez? They's _gold_, righ'?"

"Well, _I_ think they're yellow-green," Sheryl pouted.

"What_ever_," Lynn wheezed. "Anyway, people with gold eyez-hic-can't take zzertain f_oodz _or _zen_tz, cough... I happen ta be..._HY_per-'lergic ta orangez, leekz, onionz...get kinda _giddy_ afterwordz...hic. 'll be fine in a few...jes gimmie a sec."

* * *

Sheryl zoomed around the streets, flapping her arms and leaping around.

"Watch out," Runic cautioned as she whizzed by. "We don't want to run into any more people who want Palma Potions."

"I'm watching out," Sheryl stuck her tongue at him. "You're no fun. Whoa, what's that?" she wondered, pointing to a building a ways off.

"It's a church of Martel," Colette explained. "We should stop by-they might be able to help us."

At the church, la la la...

"Chosen!" the pastor exclaimed upon seeing Colette. "Remember me? I'm Marche..."

"Marche?" Lynn gasped. "As in the Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced Marche?"

"...No, I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about," Marche said in an uneasy tone.

"Suck."

The pastor informed them of the Book of Regeneration that was currently possessed by Dorr.

"Let's steal it!" Lynn yawped.

The group gave her a combined cold glare.

"Or...maaaybe not..."

They filed into Dorr's office quietly. (Unless you count Sheryl...who insisted on making helicopter noises)

"Welcome, travelers!" Dorr greeted warmly. "What can we help you with?"

"Well, we'd like to borrow the Book of Regeneration," Lloyd said.

"What?" Dorr scoffed.

"Lloyd, you fool!" Raine scolded, slapping him over the head. "We are the Chosen's group and we need that book to aid us on our quest."

"You lie!" Dorr pointed accusingly. "The Chosen was here a moment ago! How dare you impersonate her! Guards!"

"Oh, woe," Genis whimpered, squeezing next to his sister.

"Man!" Lloyd whispered, so only the group could hear him. "How do we prove that you're the Chosen, Colette?"

Lynn whistled innocently and kicked the back of Colette's legs, tripping her. She fell over, spreading her wings for balance.

"Owww! That hurt!"

"Look, daddy!" a girl next to Dorr pointed. "That girl has wings, she must be an angel!"

"That means...you must be the Chosen!" Dorr helped her up, dismissing the guards. "A million pardons..."

"_Give_ us the _book _and we'll _forgive_ you," Sheryl said in a singsong tone.

"We are sorry, but we already gave the Book away to someone else," Dorr hung his head.

"It must be the imposters!" Lynn looked ready to tear some of her hair out. "Suck!"

"I heard they were going to Hakonesia Peak," Dorr suggested.

"Oooh, I just wanna...aurgh!" Sheryl punched her hand.

"Violence isn't the answer," Raine cautioned.

"Feh," Runic began, "and this coming from someone who beats up her own students?"

Raine slapped him over the head.

"But...but...I'm not one of your students!"

"You are now!" Raine dragged him outside by the ear. "You too, Lynn, Sheryl!"

Sheryl sweatdropped, while Lynn worry-sweated. "This isn't good," both said at the same time.

"Speaking of students!" Genis slapped his forehead. "I nearly forgot! I have to go to the academy!"

* * *

An hour and one stupidly-hard test later...

"I will announce the results," the Dean announced. "First, last place is...Lloyd Irving with 25."

"Whoo!" Lloyd cheered.

"That's your best yet, Lloyd! Congratulations!" Colette smiled.

"The rest follow in order," the Dean continued. "Sheryl Grave with 55."

"55? I hate that number!" Sheryl cried. "I wanted 49!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

"...Colette Brunel: 210."

"Huh?" Lloyd gawped. "It's not out of 100?"

"It's out of _400_," Genis sighed.

"Runic Grave, with 315..."

"Nice."

"Lynn Atsuki with 315..."

"Sha-_wing_."

"Raine Sage with 400..."

"Well, you can't expect less than perfection from the Professor," Lloyd chuckled.

"Mighty, with 380, and finally...Genis Sage with-" the Dean had a sudden coughing fit.

"Aurgh, the suspense!" Genis cried, pulling his hands down his face.

"400."

"Oh yeah!" Genis cheered, jumping on the desk and dancing. "Go Genis, it'cho birthday, uh-huh, with sprinkles!"

"Get your _bum_ in the _chair_," Raine growled, yanking him down by grabbing a lock of hair.

"Ouch! No, not the hair! Anything but!"

Raine sighed wearily as she looked over the tests. "Lloyd, this one's yours...I would say I'm disappointed in you, but I knew you'd score around here...Colette, here you go...Sheryl? Yes, I can tell, it has a lot of watermarks on it..." she paused. "Oh my."

"What?" Runic wondered, looking over her shoulder.

"These two tests...are exactly the same," Raine held them up. "And they don't have a name on them. They both have a 315 score, so it's either yours or Lynn's."

"That one's mine," Runic pointed to the one on the left. "Wait, no...it's this one...or maybe...no...yes? no? Ack."

Raine sighed. "Lynn, get over here."

The girl in question was in a corner, sipping an Apple Gel with a straw. She sauntered over.

"What do you have to say bout this?" Raine questioned, showing her the identical tests.

Lynn looked through them. "What I have to say? Well...mayn, I haven't lost my forging skills, that's what I gotta say."

"You copied an _entire_ test!" Raine slapped her over the head.

"Ow! Well, sorry if all I was taught were battle tactics and stealing techniques! None of this junk."

"Give her another," Raine turned to the Dean.

"Hey, hey!" Lynn worry-sweated. "C'mon, I already took one today! That's enough!"

"Here," Raine handed her a new test. "Take it-by yourself."

Lynn sat for a few minutes with the pencil in her hand, looking through the questions. After reaching the end of the test, she got up and left in a huff.

"Lynn! Get back here this instant!"

"Pluck no! I ain't sitting there with some stupid test!" Lynn shouted over her shoulder.

Kratos looked up from the book he was reading long enough to stick his foot out to trip Lynn. "Enough sidetracking. We need to get to Hakonesia."

"Let's go, Noishe," Lloyd called to the furry animal, mounting it.

"How come you're the only one that gets to ride it?" Sheryl whined.

"Well, on the field map, I'm the only one who shows up?" Lloyd guessed.

"But where do we go, then?" Sheryl tipped her head.

"The menu screen," Kratos nodded sagely.

"Wow! You know everything, Kratos!"

"..."

* * *

"Man, it's getting pretty dark," Lloyd remarked, looking up at the sky.

(Whimper.)

"Look!" Colette pointed from where she was on the menu screen. "A House of Salvation! We can stop there."

"What's wrong with traveling at night?" Runic pouted.

(Whine...)

"Fine..."

"Stupid unintended rhyme," Urby grumbled. "There I go again!"

* * *

They approached the building, hearing a voice speaking softly.

"-lla will suffer," the assassin girl sighed, kneeling in front of the statue of Spiritua.

"It's you!" Sheryl pointed.

"Sher, it's not nice to point," Runic his finger in a "bad-you" way.

The assassin turned. "You...!"

"You pray too?" Colette stepped forward. "So do I. I'm sure we can come to an understanding."

"I...I was praying that I would be able to kill you," the assassin huffed, flushing.

"That's not very civil of you," Sheryl said dryly.

"Anyway, I'm Colette," Colette smiled and tipped her head.

"Lloyd," Lloyd nodded.

"Call me Runic," Runic leaned against the wall badass-ly. (Is that a word?)

"Lynn!" Lynn did a peace-sign.

"I didn't ask for your names!" the assassin backed up.

"Taaa-daaa!" Sheryl slid theatrically in front of them all.

"...Your name is 'Ta-da'?"

"No, it's Sheryl!" the water girl huffed. "I was getting to that!"

"So..." Colette began. "Um, Mrs. Assassin?"

"It's Sheena!" the woman blurted. "Sheena Fujibayashi!" she cursed at her mistake. "Never mind! I'll get you next time!" she disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"That's what they always say," Runic growled.

* * *

"Colette? What do you think you'll get at the next seal?" Lloyd asked, lounging on a bed in the House.

"I don't know," she admitted, climbing into her bed.

"Maybe a halo?" Genis suggested, sitting on Lloyd's pillow. "I doubt you'll get fangs or claws..."

"She might," Lynn piped from her position on a ceiling rafter. "I knew an angel who grew a tail, ears, fangs, claws, and two pairs of wings."

Colette turned pale and hugged her pillow.

"Wow, really?" Genis looked up.

"Yep, she turned into an absolute monster."

Colette screamed and hid into her sheets.

"Stop it, you two!" Raine slapped Genis over the head and hit Lynn with a broom. "Go to sleep!" she poked Lynn with the broom until she fell and dragged her bother outside by the ear. Lynn grumbled and slinked out.

Colette said something from under the covers.

"You dork, get out and say it." Lloyd said good-naturedly.

Colette poked her head out. "It's weird having wings, isn't it?"

"I don't think so," he said softly. "They're beautiful."

Colette blinked and blushed a little. "Th...thank you."

"I can't wait until you become an angel, Colette. It's going to be so cool!"

* * *

Lynn sat outside on the fence, growling and gnashing her teeth. She'd have to replace her bracelets soon, she could feel it...

She spotted Kratos talking to Noishe. Slightly angry about having her nighttime chatting companion taken away from her, she sneaked up behind him and yawped.

"Ahhh, Martel!" he jumped, turning. "What was that about?"

"Nothing. What's up?" Lynn sneered, in a tone a bit more sour than she'd have liked. Yep, she'd have to change those bracelets. Maybe tonight.

"Not much," Kratos sighed, letting Noishe out of his pen.

There was some silence as the two humans watched the beast roll around in the grass.

"Is that why he's so green? 'Cuz he rolls in the grass so much?" Lynn wondered aloud.

"..."

Lynn shuffled uneasily. "Um, d'you remember the Iselia temple?"

"What about it?"

"Colette introduced everyone, and I shook everyone's hand, right?"

Kratos squinted at the girl, suspicious. "...Yes..."

"Well, I took a little something from ya...here you go." She tossed whatever-it-was to him lightly.

Kratos caught it deftly, examining it. A locket..._his_ locket...

"**YOU!**" he unsheathed his sword and held it against her neck.

"I'm sorry!" Lynn choked. "I didn't know it meant so much to you!"

"Did you look in it?" Kratos growled softly.

"Heck no!" the girl worry-sweated. "Never paid much attention to it, ya know. My hand wanders, see." She dashed off, afraid of the man's wrath.

* * *

"I'm hungreee!" Sheryl whined.

"I'm almost done," Genis tossed over his shoulder. "Just gimmie a minute."

"Well, get on with it, I'm starving!" Sheryl chewed on her hand. "Oh, if only I had some cream puffs..."

"Here, let me help," Runic stepped up. "I know a food spell..." a bowl of oatmeal popped into his hand.

"Cool!" Lloyd reached for it. Sheryl sweatdropped, but said nothing.

Lloyd dug in ravenously...

...Only to spit it out a second later.

"Are you trying to kill me with that stuff?" Lloyd panted.

"Hey, I never said it was tasty," Runic stuck his tongue out.

"What's going on?" Genis walked in with a plate of sandwiches.

"Real food!" Lloyd gasped, tackling Genis for one of the sandwiches.

"What?" Lynn screamed, looking ready to tear some of her hair out. "It's always sandwiches! Breakfast, lunch, dinner, TEA TIME! Every time, it's always a sandwich!"

"Well, I'm _sorry_ I don't know how to make anything else," Genis growled, trying to shoe Lloyd off him. "Oh woe, now I'm stuck."

"Why not?" Lynn demanded. "You're a cook, right? You should know more than just slapping bread together!"

Genis wriggled out from under Lloyd. "Well, technically, yes, but the recipe menu only has sandwich at the moment."

"Well...how do we put more recipes on the menu?" Sheryl scratched her head.

"Why don't we ask the player?" Genis faced the screen and tapped it. "Hey! You there! Got the guide with you?"

"Of course I do," Urby huffed, handing the Tales of Symphonia guide to him.

Genis leafed through it, humming a nonsense tune. He landed on a page and gasped. He turned a perfect shade of white and closed it.

"Oh yeah!" Urby laughed nervously. "It has spoilers in it...the recipes are on page 55."

"What did you see?" Raine shook her brother lightly to get him back to reality.

"I keep rhyming! This is starting to annoy me!" Urby mumbled.

Genis shivered and turned to the right page. "Nothing...it was nothing. Awww, man, we missed some recipes from Triet and Izlood!"

"You'll get back," Urby sighed. "Now make with the handing over of the guide."

* * *

**Counting shizzle/expectations:**

Hmmm? Why didn't Lynn take the test?

Sheryl and her weird number preferences...

* * *

**Insert something witty here about answering reviews.**

Imildras:  
Of course not. That's stupid. I'm lame, not stupid. Try again. Wait, you're not the person that should know.  
To the person who should know: Don't you remember where I used them? (coughemailcough)

Green Magicite:  
Bah, one less reviewer, I don't care. Just don't let me hear you dissing FF VII again or I'll sic my level too-high-too-count Yuffie on ya.  
Don't hate the butterflies. All they are are things that appear whenever a character is-wait, that would be telling.  
I already thought up a fight scene with the imposters. I'm ready for everything. Dolt. How dare you doubt me.  
If you love chocobos so much, why don'cha marry one? (I'm so childish)

Lil-Samuu:  
I like rain as long as it's not cold. Once it was warm, so I put on my swimsuit and took a bath outside. Fun, fun.  
Alright, no worship for you. I still want some, though.  
"Nin nin, whoosh!" comes from Disgaia, which is a predecessor of sorts of Phantom Brave. Flonne, an Angel Trainee, says it. Maybe I shoulda had Colette say it instead...

Guardian Weilder:  
Fix your spelling already. Wielder!  
Miss makes me feel old, foo. Just call me Urby! Say it with me: U-R-B-Y.  
Sheelos is better and more literate than Sheeloyd. I've seen them both. I know what I'm talking about. And you Sheeloyds had better not send me any flames saying "But (Sheeloyd story) is literate" and give me links, I will _shoot_ you for that!  
Lynn isn't a cat. Close. Whoops, spoiler.  
Her getting hurt is one of the running jokes. A lot of ToF humor comes from running jokes.  
And I don't bash her. She's my friggin' character.

Wyvern's Darkness:  
If you don't like my pairings, you don't have to read the story. It's that simple, foo. What is with you Sheeloyds and reading stories with pairing you don't like and _then_ complaining?  
And what makes you think I don't know where you live? Never underestimate the power of my Penguin CIA...  
As for the fake group, you'll just have to see...


	8. Sittin in a Tree

Today's reality check is brought to you by...Today's Band Review. Errgh, I'm too sore to think of anything crazy. Marching sucks.

**ROOC! Yey!**  
"Welcome to zee Rroyale-y Out Of Caracturre Deesclaimerr Theyater: verr even zee ohturre must be OOC; Part Deux," Urby said in her French accent. She had her French getup on, as well.  
She turned, introducing a Zelos Beastial, who was contemplating a skull. "And now, Monsieur Zelos."  
It was a while before he spoke. "...To be, or not to be...that is the question..."  
"Um! Deesclaimerr, sil vous plait?" Urby coughed.  
Zelos paused, silent. Suddenly, he struck a pose. "Lo! In the West! The dawn...and Sheena is the sun!" He had thrown the skull behind him, which hit Urby's head with a dull _donk_. "Aie!" she exclaimed.  
Zelos ignored Urby's cries and knelt, hand out, to a very confused Sheena Beastial.  
"Ninja star?" she smiled, handing one to him.  
Zelos' heart broke-there was even a sound effect.  
"Sheena doesn't love me," he whimpered.  
**The following has been edited out for five seconds of rare violence**  
"Ća alors!" Urby shook her head, admiring the Zelos corpse.  
"Oh my," Sheena gasped.  
Zelos was dead, so he couldn't comment.  
"Purgatory seal!" Sheena called out, a beam of light illuminating Zelos.  
"Huh...?" Zelos blinked. "Wow, thanks a lot, Sheena!" he got up and jumped around.  
"No prob!" Sheena smiled.  
"You arre getting IC!" Urby growled, poking Zelos with a stick.  
"Aaah!" Zelos shrieked, dying again. Because we all know how Purgatory Seal works.  
"Zat means I have to do zee deesclaimerr because zey arre so lay-zee," Urby cleared her throat. "Err-bee owns naughting. Zee End."

* * *

At Hakonesia...

"Stop," the guard put a spear in front of the travelers. "Do you have a pass?"

"No," Lloyd backed up.

"Go get one from Koton, then."

So they went to Koton, who was asking a stupid amount of Gald for a pass.

"We can't afford that!" Genis nearly screamed.

"Shut up, you little brat!" Koton waved his cane at him.

Colette spotted something in a corner. "That's...that's..."

"The Book of Regeneration?" Koton beamed. "Yes, the Chosen was kind enough to sell it to me."

"But Colette is the Cho-" Genis began.

Raine slapped him over the head. "Don't you dare! We'll be the ones branded as imposters!"

"Can't she reveal her wings and prove it?" Lynn suggested.

"..."

"..."

"Well, she has a point..."

"Oh, bother, who cares," Raine sighed, growing a few white hairs. As if that made any difference.

"Well, if you give me that Statue of Spiritua from the House of Salvation nearby...I might let you look at it," Koton cackled.

"Stingy!" Sheryl sneezed.

So they trekked back to the House, only to find out the head priest wasn't there so they could ask the guy for the statue.

"What now?" Genis sighed, sitting down.

"We go back to Palmacosta and get some cream puffs, that's what," Sheryl shook an empty food sack.

"Righto," Lloyd got on Noishe and headed...west? I have no idea...

Noishe panted, slowing down.

"Noishe? What's wrong, boy?"

The poor beast collapsed.

"Oh no!" Colette tripped out from where she was on the menu screen. (No, she's not on drugs, you silly monkeys) "We've been overworking him!"

"I have an idea!" Sheryl beamed.

"Gasp," Runic said blandly, swatting at a butterfly that happened to happen by.

* * *

"I don't think...I can go on...much longer..."

"Okay, whose bright idea was this?"

"I think Noishe needs to go on a diet..."

Noishe simply barked and wagged his tail, lounging on the mat the party was holding up to carry him.

* * *

"Whoa, the whole place is all empty," Sheryl noticed as they came into Palmacosta.

"It's so quiet..." Colette shivered.

"I smell fear," Runic sniffed lightly. He coughed. "Man. It's really bad..."

"Look!" Sheryl pointed. "There's a lady with a rope on her neck!"

"Noose," Raine corrected. "Waitaminnit...that's Cacao!"

A man with red hair that looked rather silly stormed by, glaring at anyone who gave any hints of defying him.

"Oh no!" an innocent bystander wailed. "It's Magnius from the human ranch!"

"That's **Lord** Magnius to you, vermin!" he roared, grabbing the poor dood's neck. He broke the guy's neck with a sickening crunch and left him in a heap.

Sheryl whimpered and turned white.

Runic shook, clenching his fists so much they bled. "Grrr..."

"This woman...is being hanged today," a Desian read off, stumbling every so often, "Because she refused to supply our forces. Even though we have...ex...ceeded the death count, Lord Magnius has given us permission to continue the hanging."

"There's always room to kill more vermin," Magnius cackled making his way toward her.

"Damn!" Lloyd worried. "They're going to kill her if we don't do something!" he loosed a Demon Fang at Magnius.

"Aurgh!" Magnius dropped to one knee, grabbing his arm in pain. (Even though he was hit in the leg...I never figured that one out.)

Raine dashed over to Lloyd's side as a commander fussed over Magnius. "You idiot! Do you want this place to become the next Iselia?"

"Of course not!" Lloyd assumed a fighting position. "That's why I'm helping! If we can't protect the people around us, how can we hope to regenerate the world?"

"TM," Runic sniggered, not noticing a nearby butterfly.

"Lloyd's right," Colette ran to his side, getting out her chakrams.

"You're all going toward certain doom, but unless I come along I won't have any screen time, so I guess I'll help anyways," Raine sighed.

"Lord Magnius!" a commander shouted, noticing Lloyd for the first time. "It's him- #0074!"

"I think 0077 is a much better number," Sheryl huffed.

"I'd prefer 0114...or just plain 114..." Lynn said after some thought.

"Wuss," Runic scoffed. "Everyone knows 13 is the best number."

"Get him!" Magnius pointed at Lloyd just as Chocolat exited the church.

"Mom!" she shrieked, running toward Cacao.

"Oh yes...hang that vermin too," Magnius gestured to a waiting officer.

"No!" Colette cried, slicing the rope. Cacao fell, inching away like a worm (her hands and feet are still bound, ya know.) Yes, feel free to make 'inchie squinchie' noises...

A Desian spellcaster loosed a lightning bolt at the party. Lynn squeaked and hid behind someone. (Go pick someone. I'm lazy.) Before it could harm anyone, Genis leaped in front of everyone and put up a force field.

"Amateurs," Genis snorted, tossing his hair.

"You go, girl!" Sheryl clapped.

"I totally do," Genis posed. "Waitaminnit..."

"You stupid, good-for-nothing vermin!" Magnius shouted at his men. "Get them or you're all fired!" he disappeared with his commander.

One very short battle later (do you expect a battle against coupla Desians to be exciting? Didn't think so...)

"How...why...I don't understand..." a Desian wheezed, dieing.

"Because Colette is the Chosen-"

"TM," Runic added.

"(Stop that!) And she will regenerate the world!"

There was a murmur of noise. "Chosen?" "Doesn't look like much..." "Odd bunch she's got with her..." "She's hot..."

Colette blushed and laughed nervously. "Yep, I'm the Chosen! Ehehe..."

* * *

((Urby's too lazy to write out the whole Marble's shop scene...blah.))

At the House of Salvation...

"I hate, hate, **hate** rain!" Runic sneezed, wringing out his cape.

Raine smacked him over the head.

"Ow! I meant the sky kind..."

"Oh. My bad," Raine sniggered.

"Look!" Lynn pointed. "The priest doods!"

"That's very rude, calling us doods!" one of the priest doods huffed.

"Well, the author called you a priest dood, so I better as well, see?" Lynn explained, as if it all made sense. "Anyway...you got the Spiritua Statue? We kinda need it."

Colette waved from behind her.

"Sure, since you have the Chosen with you," one of the priests smiled. The other shifted nervously. "What's wrong?"

"Well," the second priest began, waving his hands around as if he was trying to pull words out of the air. "The real Statue is gone. This one's a fake."

"What?" the party screamed (except Kratos, who's _way_ to badass to scream)

"Well...I went on a pilgrimage around Sylverant, so I took the Spiritua Statue with me..."

"Take a priceless relic with you? Why?" Raine demanded.

"The tiara on the statue's head is made from pure diamond," the priest continued, prompting an "Oooh, shiny" from Sheryl. "We take it with us to protect it from thieves."

"You wouldn't be able to protect it from _me_," Lynn stuck her tongue out.

"So, last year, I continued the tradition and took the statue with me. We went to Thoda Geyser, and it was so moving, I dropped the statue into the geyser..."

"Goof," Runic snorted.

"It was the first time I saw it, it was so pretty..." the priest said with a hint of sadness and longing in his voice. "A dwarf in Iselia made this one."

"I'll go get it." Colette offered, stepping up.

"No, I'll get it," Lloyd turned to her.

"Naw!" Sheryl butted in. "Do you know what a geyser even _is_?"

"It's a bunch of really, really hot water," Lloyd answered.

"And just _how_ do you think you're going to cross it?" Sheryl challenged.

"Genis might be able to freeze it," Lloyd looked back at his friend hopefully.

"I don't _feel_ like it," Genis said prissily, looking at his nails by folding his hand on itself. "I won't be able to freeze it for long, anyway..." he turned his hand around and looked at his nails that way instead. (Note: Girls look at their nails one way, and guys the other-go ask someone. Then you'll get the joke there.)

"So then we'll have boiled Lloyd for dinner," Lynn sniggered.

"Exactly!" Sheryl huffed, trying to look taller. "Well, _I'm_ made out of water, so I don't care if _I_ get boiled. You, on the other hand...I do believe _someone_ might care if you were boiled," she winked at Colette.

"I do not!" Colette retorted, flushing. "I mean...um..."

"Well, Ah do declare," Runic joined up with his sister. "Ah think that miz Chosen has a widdle crush on sumbody."

"Ain't that sumthin'," Sheryl shook her head.

"Hey, stop that!" Colette flailed about.

"Colette and Lloyd, sittin' in a...what was it again?" Sheryl sang, dancing in a circle around the girl in question.

"_On a ship_, you nimwit," Runic sighed, exasperated. "Hey, that rhymed."

"Stupid me," Sheryl hit herself lightly, reeling from the blow in an overdone fashion, but still incorporating it in her dance around Colette. "Anyway-Colette and Lloyd, sittin' on a ship..."

"Lockin' arms and lockin' lips," Runic hooted.

"Oooh! Oooh! Lemme in, lemme in!" Genis bounded up and down.

"Go dance around Lloyd!" Sheryl ordered, getting worked up. "We can't forget about him!"

"Sure we can," Genis giggled, but did so anyway.

By now even the priests were getting involved, getting out accordions and playing an uppity Jewish wedding jig. Lynn was singing a song in a language no one could identify, but no one cared finding out just what. Whatever it was, it fit the Jewish song quite nicely and people were starting to sing the chorus as well.

"**STOP!**" Colette screamed, flaring her wings and whirling around in a shower of Pow Hammers. "This isn't funny anymore! Just...just...leave me alone!" she flew outside in a rush.

Nearly everyone got hit on the head with a Pow Hammer (except Kratos, who's _way_ too badass to get hit on the head with a Pow Hammer)

Kratos began clapping very slowly, amazed at all of their stupidity.

"Colette..." Lloyd ran outside after her.

She was outside behind the House, hugging the dog close to her chest, which shook with quiet sobs. Her wings fizzled in and out, blurring with the lack of focus she was giving them. The dog sat patiently, aware that the human needed something to hold.

Lloyd knelt next to her, unsure whether or not he should say something. One wrong move could shatter her weakened self.

Colette looked over at him, reaching out to him with a wing, whimpering softly. He took a spot next to her, afraid to do anything else.

"Lloyd...I'm sorry..." she choked, looking down at the ground.

"Why? You didn't do anything to be sorry for," Lloyd said softly. "I mean, they deserved it."

"You don't," Colette sniffed, wiping her nose roughly on her sleeve, flapping her wings irritably.

"Nothing happened to me," he turned his head to hide the bump a Pow Hammer had caused.

* * *

"Oi! Oi, Lloyd!" Lynn called out, trying to find them. She ran into a few Palmacosta guards instead.

"Ayy...das frig, nazu achi...I mean, who are you?"

"You're with the Chosen, right?" one guard asked. "We have some bad news."

"Then keep it to yo'self!" Lynn snorted. "No use sharin' your bad news with us. It spreads bad karma, ya know."

"It concerns you," another guard clarified.

"Oh, well then!" Lynn snorted. "I'll get the others." She bowed politely and turned around. "OI PEOPLE! HERE, NOW!" she barked.

Everyone arrived sooner or later.

"So...we're waiting..." Lynn coughed.

"The Desians kidnapped a tour guide. Her name was Chocolat."

"What?" Sheryl gawped.

"Governor-General Dorr decided to launch an attack against the Desians," a guard explained. "He's asking for your help to rescue Chocolat. Neil should be outside of the Palmacosta Human Ranch."

"Hey! Neil's the name of my significant other!" Urby pointed.

"Shwaaaa?" Lynn gasped.

"Well, boyfriend...crush...I won't interrupt again!" Urby vowed, even though everyone knew she would eventually.

"Well, let's go," Lloyd decided, gulping. If the Palmacosta Human Ranch was anything like the last, this would be tough...

* * *

**Me, answer reviews. You, read. Capieche?**

GM:  
I didn't want Lynn to get anything lower than 300, and she bums off of Runic, so...  
That would so totally be a weapon of mass destruction...  
Well, we all need a crappy teacher in our life, eh? ...I didn't say that. Hide me, please?  
Heard of a thing called sleep?  
What's the wall gonna do? Be wall-like? At least use a Mono like in Monster Rancher...  
Yep, you definitely need to marry a chocobo...

Lil-Samuu:  
Oranges are ewwy. Blerugh.  
Boo to the Imposters. They'll have to get original character imposters, haha.  
Yep, poor menu screen. Just wait 'till all the original characters are assembled...  
Read my fics, people! They increase your vocabulary!  
The wings _are_ beautiful...I wants...  
Did I ever tell you what the spoiler even _was_, anyway? How dare you go and guess...and get it wrong! He's not telling, anywho...


	9. Base Goes Boom

Today's reality check is brought to you by...summer. Oh, goody! I can play video games! Whoo! Tales of Symphonia sits sadly alone, poor thing. Pass me the Klonoa and the Phantom Brave, though.

**ROOC-Read or Die**  
"Welcome to zee...ah, you know alreadee, non?" Urby began. Yeah, she had her whole French thing on. Whee. "Part Trois."  
"And now, mademoiselle Rrefill." She pointed to a Bestial Raine. "Or Rraine."  
"Eh?" Raine blinked. "Uh..."  
"What's so OOC about her?" PyroSynn wondered.  
"Wait for eet..." Urby said.  
"Say 'bonjour' to Monsieur zee Blue Mouse," Urby held out a small, blue mouse. It squeaked cutely.  
"Vas-y, mousey," Urby let it go. It squeaked again.  
Now Raine took notice.  
Quite drastically, in fact.  
"KILL MOUSE!" she screamed, pulling out two handheld zap cannons out of nowhere.  
"DIE!11eleven" she shrieked, firing at will. Oh god, so _that's_ what's OOC...  
Anyway, the Blue Mouse did some fancy acrobatics, dodging each shot with careless skill. He even came close to the screen to wave and squeak cutely. Awww.  
After a while, Raine stopped shooting. "Awww, man!" she said, not quite so...excited anymore. "Outta juice!" the zap cannon clicked emptily.  
Urby peeked her head out of a ledge she was hiding behind. "Sacre Bleu...she hit everr-ee thing _except_ zee mousey,"  
The Blue Mouse danced on Raine's head. "Squee!"  
"KILL!" Raine roared, going nuts again.  
"Zo!" Urby sighed, getting a _little_ ticked off, "Err-bee owns naughting. (Why do I even both-err...)

* * *

"Whooo! Desian Base!" Sheryl smiled, bounding about. "Wheee, let's blow up stuff!"

"No, stupid, that comes later," Runic tut-tutted.

"Oops," Sheryl hung her head.

"Where is it, anyway?" Lloyd asked, getting absolutely no answer.

"I can try to see it," Colette flapped her wings.

"Or we could look in that suspicious-looking forest," Lynn pointed.

"Looks suspicious," Runic remarked.

"**Ex**actly," Lynn nodded.

"Hey, quit copying us!" Lester from the story Consequences pouted, shaking his bow at them.

"Who're you?" Sheryl scratched her head.

"No one knows us!" Kelly from the same story Lester was sobbed, chewing on one of her long rabbit ears.

"No one cares!" Kilov, from, ya guessed it, Consequences declared, pointing to the sky. "Kupo!"

"Eeee!" Runic squealed. "A moogle! Oh, happy day!" he tackleglomped Kilov. "Cutefluffylittlediddums..."

"Ack! No...air!" Kilov coughed.

"You put him down!" Lester shot Runic in the boot-ay with an arrow.

"Ow!" Runic sniffed, rubbing his aching behind, "that hurt!"

"Wow," Lester mused, "and that was a Cupid arrow! You're supposed to be Charmed! It doesn't do damage!"

"Silly FFTA person, Dark Elves can't love," Sheryl tut-tutted.

"Damn straight," Runic huffed, plucking the offending arrow and throwing it behind his shoulder.

"Oh no!" Raine gasped, pointing at the arrow as it fell. "Since it can cause new romantic pairings, there's only one thing that could mean!"

"Everything's gonna go in slow motion!" Genis wailed.

Sure enough, time began slowing down. Screams slowed to drawn-out and comically deep-voiced moans, people attempted to dash away from the arrow of _doom_, but could only walk fancily. And worst of all, the arrow was inching its way toward them.

Damn that gravity, eh?

And...oh noes...

The arrow stuck...

Into...

The ground.

"How anticlimactic," Genis poked his head out of a bush he was hiding in.

"Cheese," Lynn groaned. "All **that** for _that_? That's lame!"

"Yes I am!" Urby declared, promptly causing a cricket chirp.

"Well, have fun, don't get killed," Lester and his buddies waved goodbye.

"And don't read our story, whatever you do!" Kelly pointed, evil look in her eye.

"Why?" Sheryl had the nerve to ask.

"**JUST** **DON'T**!" Kelly screamed, temporarily turning into a horrible monster. "I make a fool of myself!"

"Okay," Sheryl squeaked, turning herself into a drop of water to make herself smaller.

"Hoe, don't evaporate now," Runic warned.

So, that done, they went to the Base...

"Psst! Hey, over here!" a voice said around a tree.

"Huh?" Lloyd turned around.

"No, over _here_."

"Huh?" Lloyd turned around in another direction.

"HERE!"

"Oh!"

"You wanna watch? Rolex."

"No thanks."

"Man. Thought I might sell one today. Anyway, Chosen, you have to get out of here."

"I thought you wanted us to save Chocolat?" Genis raised an eyebrow.

"A trap," Raine observed.

At the same time, Runic said "It's a trap", but since he had an extra word in there he finished later. He growled and sulked a bit.

"Mayn. That bites," Lynn remarked.

"So this is an ambush. Was Dorr working with the Desians?" Raine asked.

Neil said nothing.

"So it is true..." Kratos sighed.

"Wasn't his wife killed by them?" Genis asked, getting worked up. Steam was coming out of his little ears.

"I don't know," Neil hung his head. "I just know that this is an ambush. I do not know of the Governor-General's intentions."

"I see," Raine nodded sagely. Haha. I made a funny. (If you don't get it, I ain't tellin' ya, newb) "Then we should confront Dorr and ask him about his motives."

"Ask? You kiddin'?" Sheryl coughed. "You gotta _demand_, foo! Or threaten. Or disembowel. Something."

"Stupid bother of a...whatever she is," Raine grumbled.

"But we have to save Chocolat and the others!" Colette urged.

"Count me in!" Genis agreed.

"I'd have to agree with Raine, since I'm the only one here with an ounce of sense in his head," Kratos said, not looking up from a book he was reading.

"Daymn, he looks like Kakashi!" Lynn whistled.

"Cacawho?" Genis turned.

"Never mind."

"So, Lloyd, it's up to you," Raine sighed again.

"Does it have to?" he whined, scratching his head.

"**PICK SOMETHING!**" Sheryl screamed.

Spurred by the yelling and steaming (since she can't fume, ahem, made of water, cough) girl, and by the moment, Lloyd decided to decide this with a game of rock, paper, scissors.

With himself.

Just think about that for a moment.

…

…

Needless to say it was very stupid.

"Cheese, you hit a new low, Lloyd," Runic spat to one side. "And it's going nowhere."

"Best four out of six!" Lloyd growled to himself, playing another game.

"Let's just get into the base," Raine sighed, giving up.

"Yeah! I won!" Lloyd shouted triumphantly.

"I'm sure you did. Okay, let's go..."

So, after some heavy duty sneaking, they got into the base.

And in sneaking I mean ruthlessly pummeling stupid Desians.

"Hoe! What's this?" Runic poked a cauldron thing.

"I remember that!" Lynn hid. "It turned the Sorcerer's Ring into a shocky-thing of _doooooom_!"

"We might need said shocky-thing of doom," Raine slapped her upside the head.

So they fiddled with the Ring.

"Whoa!" Lloyd gasped. The area of vision turned a sort of neon green, and a platform in an insignificant corner lit up. Because everyone knows corners are insignificant. Also, a speck in another corner (whom we have come to the conclusion: it's insignificant) lit up. It's not in the game. It's there because I Said So.

"What's so different?" Lynn wondered.

"The platform! And the speck!" Genis pointed.

"Sure, the platform got all funky, but the speck was always there," said a very confused gold-eyed girl.

"No it wasn't," Genis snorted.

"It was!" Lynn snapped.

"Not!" Genis jumped in place, stomping the ground.

"Not to the not! It was there!" Lynn roared, biting at the air. "Don't deny it!"

"I'd say make me, but'cha can't," Genis countered.

"You...!" Lynn fumed. "I tell ya, it was there!"

"Break it up, break it up!" Kratos intervened, blowing on a whistle. "That's enough!" he held the two by their shirt necks while they hissed, cursed, and generally bickered.

Lalala, whoop-ee-doo...

"Das Frig?" Lynn approached a sort of boxlike machine. "Whazzis?"

"This must be a refresher. Why don't you try activating it?" Raine advised.

"Okay," Lynn poked it with her foot. You could never tell with them machines.

It zapped her. Awww, everyone feel sorry for her. Not.

"I HATE YOU!" she jabbed a finger at it, promptly hiding in Runic's sack and refusing to go out for the rest of the dungeon.

"No, silly, like this," Sheryl put her hand on a panel. The screen flashed, temporarily blinding the party and giving a few people playing the game seizures.

"REFRESHING COMPLETE," the refresher spoke.

"Eeek! It talks!" Lynn wailed.

"That's all it does? Bo-_ring_," Lloyd yawned.

"Oh gyawd," Kratos sighed, melting out of shame.

"Hey! Copycat!" Sheryl pointed at the Kratos-puddle. She then forgot the last ten seconds, saw a puddle, and splashed in it.

"Ow! Stop!" Kratos...um, whatever puddles do to talk.

So they put Kratos in a bottle, for he could turn into a puddle but not back into an ang...human. Ahem. Spoiler.

"That's two party members out of it," Runic complained, sitting. I mean, hello, fourteen-year old in sack.

"Aw, ya big sissy," Lynn barked. "Keep troopin'!"

"Aye, captain," Runic dragged the bag along.

"Hey, intruder!" a Desian yelled, charging.

"Hey, Mister Desian!" Sheryl beamed.

"Uh...you're not gonna attack us?" the Desian put his weapon down.

"Why should they?" the Head Penguiner poked his head in. "C'mon. Everybody sing."

So, everybody suddenly ripped their clothes off (no pervy thoughts now) to reveal Broadway costumes, and sang:

"All we are saying...is give peace a chance!"

After that rather short song, everyone suddenly got their clothes back on.

"I'm out," the Head Penguiner did a peace sign. How, I don't know. He doesn't have digits. "Love and PEACH!"

"Peace," Kratos corrected.

"Oh. Sorry. Author did a typo. Anyway, I'm out." The Head Penguiner waddled away.

"Isn't he supposed to be in Banzai?" Colette wondered after he left.

"There's gotta be a Head Penguiner in this world too," Raine answered.

"You guys are so swell," the Desian sniffed, holding back tears. "I'm quitting! The stage is calling!"

He ran out, giving them a Purple Card.

"Nice," Runic grinned, showing little fanglies.

"Eeek! My brother's a vampire!" Sheryl fainted.

"I'm a Dark Elf!" Runic sobbed, "just because I don't like traveling by day...you stupid, insensitive...beezach!"

Yeah, Neil went to free the prisoners, got the Blue Card, yawp, Colette found the Red Card...

"GO STRAIGHT TO THE SLAMMER!" a judge from FFTA boomed.

"That's a Red _Key_ Card," Lynn pointed out.

"Oh. Um, sorry. Go about your business." The judge vanished.

After the muchly annoying warp maze...

"Like, dood! Chocolat!" Lynn gasped.

"You're right, dood!" Lloyd pointed.

"Like, help me, dood!" Chocolat wailed, being pelted by Desians.

"Like, okay, dood!" Colette leaped in the fray.

"Like, hold up, dood!" Lynn squirmed out of Runic's grasp and battled. "I'm in the party, dood!" (She's still in the bag. I told you already she wouldn't leave it until the end of the dungeon. So like, she's fighting. In the bag. Haha. In the bag. I crack myself up. Cue cricket chirp.)

"Holy crap, dood!" a Desian gasped. "A fighting bag! Dood!"

"Like, this is getting really annoying, dood!" Raine coughed.

"Like, I can't help it, dood!" Urby wailed. "It's like, we've all been Prinny-ized, dood!"

"How come only the girls say 'like', dood?" Genis wondered.

"Like, 'cuz we're girls, dood," Sheryl pointed out. "And like, totally more fashionable than you, dood."

"This is just stupid," Kratos declared.

"Hey! He didn't say 'dood', dood!" everyone turned and gave him a cold glare.

"Of course I didn't. I'm _way_ too badass to do that," he said.

"You and your irresistible sexiness, you! Dood!" Raine grumbled. "Like, no one would dare mess around with you, dood."

"Like, unlike us, dood!" Colette tried to say a sentence without 'dood' in it, and desperately failed. Awww. Poor girl. Feel sorry for her or I'll get hoo-sha on your ass, dood.

"Of course not," Kratos tried to stand up straight, but instead sloshed a bit in the bottle.

Then Urby got bored and everybody stopped saying 'dood' and the Desians died.

"I'm okay," Chocolat began, bracing for the 'dood'. But it never came.

"That's good..." Lloyd waited, but the dreaded dood didn't come.

"Here, there's a room in the back. It's got a lot of shiny lights in it. I don't know if you want to go there, but it has some pretty colors."

"The control room," Raine clarified, going in the way Chocolat indicated.

Lalala...at the control room...

"So, the forsaken Chosen and her entourage of vermin have finally arrived!" an all-too-familiar voice cackled.

"Forsaken?" Kratos repeated warily.

A chair floated with that oh-so-superior floatyness. It spun around, revealing a very smug Magnius.

"Magnius!" Lloyd shouted.

"Go Sir State-the-obvious-a-lot," Runic waved a pennant boredly, which a butterfly conveniently landed on.

"I knew you were coming," Magnius waved in a superior air, "And I'm sad to say, all of your efforts were in vain!"

He indicated a screen, on which showed Neil and the prisoners.

"How did Neil get in there?" Colette wondered aloud.

"That's a projector. It's a piece of Magitechnology." Kratos explained.

"And it _projects_...I see the logic!" Sheryl nodded, proud of herself.

"I don't know which is worse-you or Lloyd," Runic sighed.

So Neil was onscreen. Yeah. And the prisoners too. Can't forget them. Anyway, so they're walking...and they're walking...

And the doors shut!

And it was scary!

And it was gonna get them...wait, wrong show.

So, like, they were trapped. Like rats. Or as Magnius would say, like vermin.

I prefer rats.

But that's just me.

Mice are cool too.

"Oh no! They're trapped!" Genis gasped.

"Of course. I can easily recreate that scene at Iselia." Magnius cackled.

"You...!" Lloyd shook.

"Just you watch-I'll release all of their Exspheres and turn them into monsters!" he laughed that trademark evil laugh. "Just like that old hag you killed! What was it..."

He stroked his chin a bit, a sickening grin on his face.

"Oh yes...Marble?"

Chocolat gasped. I mean, like, there was an exclamation point over her head. That meant it was serious, man.

"Yes, I remember it," Magnius' grin widened, making him look almost like an ugly boar. (Pig-man. Grrr, I hate you.) "Granny Marble was sent to the Iselia ranch, where she was tragically killed by **Lloyd**." he seemed to take great relish in tormenting the poor food-named girl. Haha. Relish. Food. I crack myself up. Cue cricket chirp.

"That's not true!" Genis began. "Lloyd tried to save her and-"

"Killed her," Magnius finished.

"No!" Chocolat ran away. "I won't be saved by my grandmother's murderer!"

"You could be saved by me," Sheryl waved. A ladybug almost whizzed by.

"You're ruining the moment," Runic hissed.

"Hey, that's my job. Don't diss it!"

"Chocolat!" Colette cried, reaching out. "Don't throw your life away!"

"Dorr will save me!" the upset (I think I would too, rather) girl screamed. A few Desians 'escorted' her out.

"Dorr, eh? Might as well hope to be saved by a door for all that's worth," Magnius laughed at his own joke. Haha. He cracks himself up. Cue cricket chirp.

Yawp, a few Desians attacked the party, but they opened a can of whoop-ass on 'em. Heehee. I've always wanted to say that.

"How could you idiots lose to a bunch of filthy vermin?" Magnius roared. He commanded his chair to land, which it did with a haughty _humph!_ "I'll slay you myself!" he charged.

"Sir! Your axe!" a Desian reminded him.

"Oh yes! Can't forget that." he struck a pose and an axe appeared in his hand.

Lalala, blablabla...

Runic, Sheryl, Kratos and Genis sat offside, eating popcorn...

Lloyd, Colette, Raine and Lynn fought...

The offsiders ran out of popcorn...

...So they went to go get some more...

...Yeah...

Sheryl got some creampuffs instead...

Okay, this is getting boring. Magnius died. Well, he's not dead yet. He fell. There.

"How could I lose to a bunch of vermin…?" he croaked.

"Because we're badass vermin," Lynn posed. No one noticed because she was in the bag.

"Hey! That's my line!" Kratos griped.

Raine ran up to a control panel and jammed a bunch of buttons.

"Just so you know," she leaned in toward the screen so only the players could tell,

Pause for dramatic effect. Not a very long one though.

"...I have no idea what I'm doing!"

Of course she's just kidding.

I hope.

"This should release the prisoners," she pointed to the projector, which the offsiders had been watching when the battle was going on. Hey, it was like a TV. They had popcorn. What else could they do?

She pressed a large and particularly ominous button, "And _this_ will cause the ranch to self-destruct."

"Are you crazy?" Sheryl screamed, "you'll blow up the projector!"

"Boo hoo," Runic spat.

"Destroying the ranch will deal a major blow to the Desian stranglehold over the Palmacosta area," Raine sighed with that world-weariness only wonderful women can conjure. And I just used four w's in a row. Go me.

Genis shifted uncomfortably while the others freaked.

"Remember Genis," Raine knelt next to him and put a hand on his shoulder reassuringly, "we're not like them."

The others continued their freaking.

"We have ten minutes 'till boom, people! Let's book!" Raine ran out. The others freaked, decided she didn't have such a bad idea, and ran.

After they left (must it always be after they leave) a screen near Magnius lit up.

"Ohoho, they defeated you, I see," a new face laughed.

"Rodyle! You...you deceived me!" Magnius growled feebly. "There was no order to eliminate the Chosen, was there?"

"Collecting gald, trying to kill the Chosen...you've proved quite useful to me, Magnius! But, sadly, I'm afraid your time's up. Have a nice afterlife!" the man laughed, and the screen clicked off.

"Lord Yggdrasill...hail to the age of the half-elves!" Magnius cried out with his last breath.

So, while all this important stuff was happening, the party was running outside. Neil was waiting.

"Did you save Chocolat?" he asked.

"No. Keep running!" Raine coughed, stumbling but still dashing away.

Neil scratched his head, confused. Colette stopped to say:

"The ranch is going to explode!"

Then Neil ran. (good for him.)

Then the base went boom in a spectacular display.

The end.

Of this chapter, at least.


	10. Wishy Washy!

Today's reality check is brought to you by...the hole in my head. Yep. They took a piece of my head out! Don't worry, I'm doing fine in the banana pudding state of health, but it makes me say 'man' all the time, man.

**ROOC-Read or Die**  
"Bonjour! Err-bee here with your ROOCDT for today," Urby piped.  
"Madame Colette?" Urby gestured to the Colette Beastial, who was completely decked in black.  
"_...So, what do I do?_"  
"Lisez!" Urby pointed to a sign reading "Royally OOC Disclaimer Theater".  
The Gothic Colette paused.  
"_Roses are red  
Violence is bloody  
Urby owns nothing  
This poem is really cruddy,_" she struck a pose boredly.  
"Merci!" Urby leaped and did a dance. "Finalement!"  
"Uh, thanks, I'm here all week," Colette coughed.  
"ZEE END!" Urby screamed, the sooner as this was over, the sooner she could get out of the French suit-geez it was hot.

* * *

"Wheee! We almost dieeeeeeed!" Sheryl squealed, and gasped at the random ladybug that whizzed by.

"And...you're happy?" Kratos sighed, shaking his head. Hey, he's human again! Everyone clap.

"My life flashed before my eyes and I finally learned the truth about the Fluffy incident," she whispered to him.

"Fluffy...Incident?" Kratos muttered.

"It's a really long story. I think I'd zone out in the middle," Sheryl said rather honestly.

"Let's go to Palmacosta!" Lynn pointed to the sky and missed by a few inches. She needs to get her sight checked...

"I'll come with you," Neil announced, "since I wanna know why my boss is acting so weird."

"Shore," the group said in eerie unison, and they all danced off into the sunset accompanied by various sickeningly cute animals and everyone was happy and there were rainbows every day.

Just kidding, but wouldn't it be freaky if that happened?

"Auuuuurgh...the happiness...the goodness...it pains me..." Runic hacked, twitching on the ground and bleeding.

"Jeez, that even scared me," Kratos shivered a bit.

"_Saaaaave meeeee..._"

"Okay, we'll just walk like we always do..." Lloyd began trekking. Fortunately, no rainbows or any other shmuck.

"_I'll...I'll...I'll say please!_"

"What was that?" Raine bent over to hear the writhing Dark Elf better.

"_You...insolent...wretch! I'm dying here!_"

"Oh. How very nice," Raine walked away.

"_Someone help me, dammit!_"

Sheryl boinked him a healing spell. What, you didn't know she was a healer? Well, you do now. Oh yeah, just in case I forget, she uses a whip too. Just so you know.

Yeah, so they're at Palmacosta now. Just so you know.

"There's no one here," Genis remarked as they entered the government building.

Colette turned, gasping softly. "Shhh! I hear voices from downstairs."

"You sure?" Lynn scratched an ear.

"Let's go!" Sheryl was bouncing off the walls. "I wanna get on with the storyline! And maybe some creampuffs too..."

So they went downstairs, where Dorr, his daughter, and a Desian where conversing in a rather gloomy dungeon. Although I've never seen a cheery dungeon myself, so maybe that's redundant.

"When will my wife, I mean, Clara, return to her original form?" Dorr demanded.

"When you pay up," the Desian sneered, leaning back.

"I've given all I can!" Dorr wailed. "The donations, offerings to the Church of Martel, the municipal taxes…I've squeezed money out of everywhere I can!"

"Awww, too bad," the Desian coughed a bit and lit a cigarette. "Maybe we'll remove the Demon Seed from your wife after you cough up more." He left, laughing and wheezing. Moral: Don't smoke, kids, it turns you into evil Desians.

"Daddy..." the child tugged at Dorr's pants.

"Soon, Kilia, soon." He reassured the worried kid.

"Hey!" Lloyd made a grand entrance, with the others of course. But he's the main character, so we focus on him.

Dorr gasped, blanching.

"What's the matter? You look like you saw a ghost," Lloyd sniggered.

"Really?" Lynn gave Lloyd a mirror. "Hold up, I'm setting this thing up." She poked a small watering can she placed in front of Lloyd. "Okay! I Confine...uh, how 'bout...Ash?"

There was a flash of light, and a kinda lanky blue-haired phantom boy with a rather large scarf popped out. He wasn't anything special, but it gave the others quite a spook.

"What? Where am I? And where's Marona?" Ash cried, floating around and nearly yanking his hair out.

"Chill," Lynn held up her hand. "You're not on Phantom Isle anymore."

"Then where am I?" Ash wailed. "Marona was stuck in a huge Random Dungeon and she's going to get a Game Over if I don't go there quick! I was the last Phantom alive!"

"Egads! That's really bad!" Lynn gasped, the only one having a clue what the heck he was talking about. "Uh...mess around until you run out of turns? How long do you stay Confined again?"

"Five turns!" Ash was now going through people and nearly screaming his head off. "Marona's not going to survive five turns! It was a Desperate floor!"

"Holy crap!" Lynn yelped. "But...doesn't she have Return?"

"Oh. Yeah. Yes she does," Ash floated calmly. "I guess I can mess around until she uses it," he mused, picking up a box and floating around. "Whoo, I've equipped a crate!"

Then he vanished with a different light show.

Everyone (except Lynn) gave an audible shiver. Having a worried Phantom pass through your gut is not an experience to forget.

"Oh. Okay, so that's what it looks like. Dorr didn't quite look that way," Lloyd examined himself in the mirror. Hey, kids! Point to whomever can guess where Ash comes from! And I can tell you right now, it's not Pokemon!

"Why are you doing this?" Lloyd recovered, tossing the mirror away. Eeek, it broke-seven years of bad luck for you!

Dorr sighed, gritting his teeth. "My father, the original Governor-General, was soft. The Desians killed him, and planted the Demon Seed in my wife as a warning." he walked over to a cell covered by a cloth sheet.

"See what has become of my wife, Clara!"

Everyone gasped. I mean, there were even exclamation points. That meant it was serious, man.

Genis whimpered and hid behind his sister's leg. "Wh...what's that monster?"

The thing in question was a horrible-looking...well, fiend, since I can't call her a monster. Rather looked like Marble when you looked at it. Lynn shivered and hid in Runic's sack again.

"She's...crying...she's crying out in pain. You mustn't call her a monster," Colette said softly.

"Neil! What are you doing here?" Dorr demanded, having found the dood.

"I just want to know why you're doing this!" Neil stepped forward.

"You betrayed me!" Dorr growled.

"You betrayed the people!" Lloyd pointed accusingly.

"Be quiet, boy! What do you know about the meaning of justice?" Dorr lashed out.

"Don't even think about spewing the word 'justice'! I hate that word!" Lloyd yelled.

"So do I," Runic said meekly, playing with his hair. "I also hate the words love, happiness, and good..."

"Why didn't you just give up your position as Governor-General to search for help? You're just a coward who couldn't give up his social status for his wife!" Lloyd spat.

"Lloyd, stop!" Colette intervened, grabbing his arm.

"Colette...!" he turned, wincing. Her grip was rather brutal.

"Why don't we look for the medicine? I'm sure we could find it," Colette offered gently.

"You'd...do that...for me?" Dorr perked up a bit.

"It's my job to help everyone as Chosen, right?" Colette smiled. "There's a little bit of Martel in each of us. Just believe."

"That's a laugh!" Kilia interrupted. She gave Dorr an alarmingly powerful blow. "The goddess Martel would never help such a pack of rats!"

"You!" Sheryl pointed. "Go apologize to your dad right this instant!"

"Dad? I would never have a fool of a father like him!" Kilia laughed airily, transforming into something worthy of being called a monster. You know how she looks like. If you don't, go play the game because it's awesome and you should anyway.

"I am a servant of Pronyma, one of the five Desian Grand Cardinals. I was simply here to observe the new cultivating technique produced by Lord Magnius." Kilia laughed. She kicked Dorr's limp body with disgust. "That fool was too busy looking for a cure that doesn't exist to save his monster wife that he didn't realize that his daughter was dead. It makes me laugh!" and laugh she did.

"You...vile thing!" Sheryl jabbed a finger at her. "I'll...I'll think of something worse to call you later!"

So yeah, they beat her up, because that's what heroes do, right? Yeah, I thought so, man.

"How could I lose to such inferior beings?" Kilia rasped. Having an idea (gasp! oh noes) she undid the lock on Clara's door.

"Fine. If I can't kill you, this monster will!" Kilia said before vanishing.

Clara stomped out of her prison and raised her claws to attack with a fearsome roar. Although I've never heard a friendly roar myself, so maybe that's redundant.

"Clara, stop!" Colette cried, flying up to Clara's height.

Clara paused, put her claws down slowly, seemed to think a bit, and tromped out of the building and into the city. How did they know it was the city? Duh. They listened to the screams.

Dorr coughed weakly. "Lloyd...is my real daughter all right?"

Lloyd was silent for a beat. "Yeah," he lied.

The group murmured quietly amongst themselves at the comment.

"Please…save my wife…I don't want Kilia to be alone when she comes home." Dorr croaked...and he croaked.

A bit of silence to honor him, and suddenly:

"Hey, look what the guy gave me!" Lloyd exclaimed, holding up a pass.

"Yey!" everyone cheered, utterly forgetting the dead dood.

After they returned upstairs, an unskippable conversation started. Man, I've gone through this before! Press Start! What? That doesn't work? Man, that means I'll have to watch it...

"Thank you for all your help," Neil sighed.

"Sure. It was the least we could do." Lloyd said.

"Personally I'd have nuked them with an Omega spell," Runic coughed.

"Lloyd, the Exspheres on the prisoners!" Colette reminded him.

"Right, those," Lloyd remembered.

"What about them? Should we remove them?" Neil asked.

"Exspheres are Dwarven technology. I assume only dwarf could safely remove them," Kratos suggested.

"Oh yeah!" Lloyd scratched his head. "I think Dad would be able to take them off. Send a letter to a dwarf named Dirk in Iselia under my name."

"Wait up, wait up," Neil gasped, scribbling on a piece of paper. "So...to Dirkiniselia?"

"No!" Lloyd growled. "Dirk. He's in Iselia. He lives there!"

"Oh!" Neil scribbled out what he wrote earlier. "You gotta slow down."

The filed out of the government building to wander around and generally chill. I mean, c'mon, they just had a boss fight, I think you'd want some ice cream after that, man. I mean, I would. Peach sounds nice right about now.

Colette slurped a bit of orange sherbet from a small cup. And when I say small, I mean raise-an-eyebrow small. A maybe-she's-on-a-diet small. Or a...aw, forget about it. It was dinky.

"Lloyd," she began, putting down her cup, "why did you lie to Dorr about his daughter?" her tone was disarmingly calm.

Lloyd tried to keep his dollop of ice cream on his cone. "Well...because he's a father," he managed after some rather humiliating stunts. "But I wonder why he asked."

"Every parent wants the best for their children, right?" Colette speculated, swishing the cup around. She paused thoughtfully.

"That cloud looks like a baby bunny," she said suddenly, pointing.

"Really?" Lloyd tried to look at it from a different angle.

"You see? The ears, body..."

"Oh! That's cute."

"Hey, you two lovebirds! We need you!" Genis yelled over the crowd.

"Shut up!" Lloyd threw his beloved ice cream at him, which connected with a satisfying clop.

On the wrong person. Unfortunately.

"Hey!" Sheryl cried, shaking the offending stuff off her. "That was mean!"

So they went to tell Cacao what happened, boo hoo, hugs all around, Runic lost another pint of blood because all the happy hugs...

"So what now?" Lloyd asked.

"We could go to Thoda Geyser to fetch that statue," Genis pointed out.

"Okay! Let's go!"

* * *

"Washtubs," Runic sneered. "We're going in washtubs." He turned to the clerk questioningly.

"Yep," she smiled. "Best way to get to Thoda Geyser."

"Boats?" Runic suggested tartly.

"Cost-efficient, dolt," Raine slapped him upside the head.

"Four tubs?" Genis observed. "There's not enough for all of us."

"You can count!" Runic snorted, clapping as a butterfly went by. "Forgive the clichéd clapping-but I just _had_ to applaud!"

"We could sit in pairs," Lynn suggested.

"Co-ed Washtubs!" Sheryl squealed, sounding impossibly much like a preppy schoolgirl.

"Oh woe," Genis groaned, pretty sure who he'd be next to.

They filed into their washtubs...except Raine.

"What's up?" Colette asked, tipping her head.

"I'm not going," the Professor said stubbornly, standing on the dock.

"But you have to!" Colette lectured in a sensible tone. "We can't leave you behind!"

"No!" Raine snapped.

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence.

"Awww, come _on_," Runic growled, scrambling on to the dock. He grabbed the back of her shirt and dangled her over the water. "I'll drop you if you don't go _now_."

Raine squeaked.

"Hurry up, my grip is slipping," Runic sang, dropping her momentarily (I have no idea how to do that either. Maybe he caught her foot or something)

"Okay, alright, fine!" Raine shrieked. "Just get me on something solid!"

So the group cast off.

"Cheese, I didn't know you liked her so much," Genis sneered.

"Shut up," Runic spat, searching his tub. "...Crap!"

"Now what?" Lloyd asked.

"We forgot the oars!"

"Awww, cream puffs!" Sheryl shouted. "What do we do, go out and push?"

"Fishies!" Lynn squealed, pointing at the silvery darts as they swam by. "Let's net 'em and let them drag us!"

"Dear, it doesn't work that way," Raine said softly, trying to inch herself as far away from the water as possible in the tiny tub she was in. "It would have to be a stupid amount of fish, anyway. Besides, where would you get the net?"

"Awww," Lynn pouted, for she had thought it was a good idea.

"Current's going along fine," Sheryl pointed. "I think it'll get us there soon enough."

A bit of quiet as everyone inched along.

"Now what?" Lloyd asked.

"You're bored so easily," Genis sighed.

"Wanna play Twenty Questions?" Sheryl called out.

"Sure."

"Okay, got one."

"Is it...a person?"

"Yeah."

"Urby Maki?"

"Man, you're good."

Colette had her gaze glued to the sky.

"What's up? Did you become a vegetable?" Genis called.

"I don't know, maybe she's a green pepper!" Sheryl answered, hoping the mention of the angel's MOST HATED FOOD IN DAS WORLD would prompt a reaction.

Colette kept her head up. Finally, she said:

"Clouds."

**Colette earned the title of "Cloudwatcher".**  
_Personally, _I_ don't see anything up there, but I'm too busy typing at my computer. What? Where is this 'outside' you speak of?  
_

Suddenly Raine jumped a few feet, barely landing back into her tub and screaming a rather inhuman (yeah, I know she ain't) shriek.

"What's up?" Genis asked.

"RAAAAIIN!" she screamed.

The others didn't get it because they thought she was talking in third person, but it hit 'em when the raindrops hit 'em.

"Eeee!" Sheryl wailed, liquefying. "This is storm rain!"

Turns out she was right because lightning flashed and it was all like boom-sha-ka-la-ka-la-ka...

But not.

So the sea started PMS'ing and it was like **RAWR** and everyone was like _EEEK_ and it was scary, man. I mean, they were in dinky little tubs, I think you'd be scared too, man.

It all went down the drain when one of the tubs capsized. And just to tick you off, I'm not telling you which one it was.

"Genis!" Raine screamed.

"Sher!" Runic bawled. Damn, they gave it away!

Suddenly there was a frantic tweeting from Runic's shirt.

It was Diana, whom we had all forgotten about long ago! Welcome back. We missed you...not.

Diana squawked, fluttering over to Colette and yanking on her hair.

"Ow! What?" the poor girl sniffed.

Diana motioned to the ropes connecting the tubs together with a wing.

"Okay," Colette said, not sure what the bird wanted but decided to say that anyway.

Happy enough that he girl had accepted, Diana fluttered to one of the ropes and began pulling. Colette found another and strained against it.

"Colette, you fool," Lynn groaned weakly. Golden-Eyes were never suited to the sea. "Never fly in a storm!"

Fool or not, thanks to her they got on dry land safely.

The first thing everyone did was kiss the ground.

The second thing everyone did was spit out the sand. I mean, it's sand, it's pretty yucky, man.

The third thing everyone did was try to console Raine.

"But he's dead, dead dead dead!" she babbled. Then she curled up and refused to do anything else.

Lynn sat, looking hawkishly at the horizon.

"Don't stare into the lightning, it'll hurt your eyes," Runic coughed.

She pointed some ways off. "Neehaoe."

"What's that?"

"A bubble?"

"It's coming this way!"

The whachamacallit called out. "Guuuuuuuuuuuuys!"

Something else wailed, "Heeeeeeeeeaaaaalp!"

"Sher!" Runic screamed, tripping over the watching Lynn.

"Genis!" Raine gasped, wading into the water.

Sheryl had formed herself into a bubble for Genis, to protect him from the seawater.

"Are you alright?" Raine demanded, trying to get to the boy through the film of water-skin. "How is it like?"

"I...I think I'm gonna _hurl_," Genis moaned. "It's hot and wet. And, like, I'm running out of air."

"Get him out, you!" Raine yelled at Sheryl, but the water-girl had passed out. "Genis, how are you doing now?"

"I'm starting to see pretty colors," he said weakly. "Wait no, it's going all black..."

"Hang on!" the group rallied, trying to get Genis out. Except Lynn, who's currently knocked out because Runic tripped over her, Runic, who tripped, and Sheryl, who as I said passed out.

"Give me that!" Raine grabbed one of Lloyd's swords.

"Raine, don't do what I think you're going to do!" Lloyd gasped.

If he thought she was going to stab her brother out of Sheryl's bubble...well, she did it.

And then the author decided this would be a great time to end the chapter...

* * *

**Important note. You must read this: **

Lately my life has turned very shitty.  
First of all there is something buggy about the internet. I can surf perfectly fine. But when it comes to Javascript buttons, certain things go haywire.  
I'm talking about the "Reply" "Compose" and "Delete" buttons on my e-mail.  
So yes, I can read e-mail, but no, I can't talk to anyone. I'm marooned on this island that's so hot the flies drop dead.  
Second I've got a bad case of inspiration constipation-aka writer's block. No new material from me for a while.

I need to play more Disgaea. Now. Gotta go.


	11. Stupid Statue

Today's reality check is brought to you by...math. Why? It's this following equation:  
Sheeloyd > Colloyd  
Sheeloyd - illiterate/overused: not much  
Colloyd - illiterate/overused: still a lot  
Now ain't that sumthin?

**ROOC-Read or Die  
**Urby: Salut, mes potes. Voici le ROOCDT. Rreadee, Genis?  
Pimp Beastial Genis: I was _born_ ready, girl.  
Ahem-  
I'm too sexy for my shirt!  
Preppy Bestial Presea: Like, sup!  
Goth Beastial Colette: _What she said._  
Genis: Hey, babe!  
Presea: Heeeey! (music note)  
Genis: I'm gonna need a library card, 'cuz I'm checkin' you out!  
Presea: Like, uh-mah-gawd, Colette, Genis is hitting on may! Like, what should ah do?  
Colette: _...  
Kiss him._  
Presea: Whaaaat?  
Colette: _If it feels like your mouth has been molested by a giant lemon, he ain't the one._  
Presea: Like, okay! (smooch)  
Genis: Eep!  
Colette: Heh.  
Urby: While zose two love-berrds arre at eet...Err-bee owns naughting.

(beat)

Urby: I'm too secksee for zis disclaimer!

* * *

Nothing happened. 

The stab did nothing. When they tried to carve a hole out, a new skin covered it up.

"Rayyyne, I don't feel so good," Genis wheezed.

"Me neither," Sheryl groaned, conscious long enough only to say that comment.

"Aurgh! We'll never get him out at this rate!" Raine punched the sand.

"Get in there!" Runic spat. "Just shove yourself through the skin and you should be able to get him and get out!"

Raine decided even though she hated the kid (and a lot of the others did, haha, just kidding) he had a good idea and plunged through the water wall.

After catching the prize, Raine tumbled out of the bubble, panting. Sheryl deflated like a balloon, becoming a rubbery jellyfish skin thing. Hey, just wondering, have you ever touched a jellyfish before? I have! It was all squishy! It was also dead, but don't tell anyone. I want people to think I have shock-absorbing powers or something. Speaking of which, I'd like to have powers! Like flying! It makes me want to steal Colette's wings and-

"Shut **up**!" everyone yelled at the author.

Then the author dropped a giant piano on all of them, because she doesn't like being shut up.

Everyone decided it would be a good idea to take a nap after that. Mostly because they were unconscious, but hey. Shut up.

* * *

The author told them all to wake up with another piano. 

"Bother, first a wild storm ride over the ocean, and now a swarm of pianos," Raine coughed.

Just to show she shouldn't complain, the author dropped a piano...missing by an inch.

"Never mind, what pianos?" Raine laughed nervously, helping the others up.

"But I don't _want_ to do anything else," Genis whined, "I've nearly died, once by suffocating, and twice by those friggin' pianos!"

The author growled and dropped a keyboard. Hah! A techno piano! But no one knew about it because she dropped it on her sister, who was annoying her. Boo. Evil sister. Haha, just kidding, Seldom, please don't hit me-eeek!

So anyway, they walked around the geyser, yawn. I mean, it's just a bunch of water. Oooh. Eeee. Aaah. Can we go home now?

Colette seemed to have noticed something, though.

"What's up?" Genis piped.

"I dunno. That stone over there seemed kinda familiar," Colette gestured to a pedestal.

"We'll check it out later, if you want, there's a minigame going on!" Genis pointed to the geyser.

"I don't see anything," Colette scratched her head.

"Well, it ain't going on _now_," Genis admitted, "but it will soon. I mean, they wouldn't let us just waltz in and take the statue, right? We have to do a lame little game first."

"Oh, okay. I get it now."

So Sheryl plunged into the geyser, prompting the player to do some...uh...button mashing! Yes! Everyone loves button mashing. And if you don't, then you're not a gamer! Shame on you.

She returned to the platform, Spiritua Statue in hand and a light shade of pink.

"_Maaaaaaan...it was steamy_," she coughed, spewing a bit of water vapor.

"Like a good romance novel?" Raine offered.

"_Yeaaaaaaah...like that, only hotter._"

"If it's like anything like the one I'm reading, then you're pretty good."

"Thankyouverahmuch," Sheryl posed, which caused her to drop the statue into the geyser. Oh my.

"Ack! It's going to hit the rocks and go kablooie in a bunch of tiny pieces!" Lynn screamed.

"Not so fast!" Kratos picked up Colette (what the heck?) and threw her. She spread her wings, caught the stupid statue, and winged her way back.

"That seemed awfully rehearsed," Lloyd remarked, "is it some kind of offensive maneuver you guys created?"

"..." Kratos...said? I mean, you can't say silence. Well, he didn't say anything, because really he pulled the whole thing out of his ass.

"Cheese, all that for some stupid statue," Runic chewed on a nail.

"Just wait," Lynn noshed on her hand, "We're going to do things a _whole_ lot stupider."

"Like?" Sheryl asked, biting on Genis' head, not to be outdone.

"Oh woe, it hurts and stings," Genis whined. (point to whoever gets the reference)

"Just...keep an eye on Genis," Lynn smirked, trying to find a way to beat Sheryl. She found it, by trying to swallow Kratos whole.

"This is just stupid," Kratos declared.

"You're just jealous you can't join in the fun," Raine snorted, preparing Colette for a biopsy.

"Don't take part of my head out; I'll end up like the author!" Colette worry-sweated.

Lloyd, feeling left out, sliced an NPC's head off. Oops. Are you sure this game deserves a T rating? Maybe this fic shouldn't be a K anymore...

But it's not like anyone pays attention to that shmuck, aye?

"I'm okay," the NPC said, picking up his head and walking off. "I'm just an NPC after all."

So, on with the story! They went to the weird rock Colette was ogling at earlier.

"Hey! This is an oracle stone!" she clarified. Oh mah gawd! El gaspo! Everybody **_salsa_**!

…

...Yeah.

Nyet works too, but I thought the slow, croak of a '...yeah' worked better. It stays! DON'T MESS WITH ME. I'M A CRAZY AUTHOR WITH A PIECE OF HER HEAD MISSING. AND MY CAPS LOCK IS BROKEN. DAMN.

Okay, it's fixed now. Man, that was scary.

"So if this is an oracle stone..." Runic began,

"Then Thoda Geyser must be a seal..." Sheryl continued,

"And we have more dungeon crawling to do!" Lloyd concluded, nodding.

Colette put her hand on the oracle stone...

And nothing happened.

"What the heck?" Lynn blurted.

"This is strange, it's supposed to react to me," Colette rubbed her chin, "am I doing something wrong?"

"Let me save the day!" Sheryl hopped up, took Colette's hand with a flourish, slapped it down on the stone dramatically, (Colette: Ow) and boomed:

"Open Sesame! Abracadabra! Onomatopoeia! Macaroneeeeeeeii!"

A bridge out of mist appeared.

"Whoa. You're magic," Genis blinked.

"No, she didn't leave it on the rock long enough, that's all," Runic sniggered.

"Are you sure that thing'll hold?" Lynn peeked behind Kratos' shoulder.

"It's magic, it's reliable," Runic demonstrated with by making a rose appear, handing it to her.

"Cool," Lynn touched a petal gently. The rose lashed out and bit her hand.

"Ow! Stupid flower!" she threw it on the ground and stomped on it, tore it apart in her teeth, ect ect.

Eerie silence at the sight of such violence...

"**LET'S GO!**" Lynn roared so loudly Kratos' toupee came off-just kidding, his hair is real. At least I think.

So, fearing the gold-eyed girl's wrath, they skedaddled up the stairs. Just as they entered the cave, the assassin chick-ahem, Sheena, was dashing up to the oracle stone.

"Now's my chance!" she panted, getting closer. "After this, I can-"

(Grawl!) Noishe growled, bristling.

"Out of my way!" Sheena barked, smacking the green dog's nose with a card.

(Whine,) Noishe whined, because when you get hit on the nose, it tends to hurt. And the cards, man! Dood, they give paper cuts and stuff.

But Noishe wasn't going anywhere. He was Noishe, the super dog! A little slice on the nose wouldn't stop him from guarding his master!

Sheena released a tiny fox-beast with a puff of smoke. "Corrine! Get him out of our way!"

Noishe paused. Teeny tiny thing, looked rather like a chew toy. It even had a bell on it!

So he chewed on it.

"Oh no, Corrine! No fair eating my trump card, that's mean!" she pointed at the green doggie, which caused a ladybug to whiz by.

"Sheena, save me!" Corrine yelped.

"Oh yeah. Sorry!" Sheena cracked her knuckles and leaped on the wolf-critter. The bridge disappeared, leaving her marooned on the geyser island thing.

In the cave, Kratos chuckled softly.

"Oh my gosh, Kratos laughed," Colette gaped.

"If it's funny enough for _Kratos_ to laugh, it must be damn funny!" Lynn gasped.

"Quick, everyone laugh so we don't look stupid!" Genis screamed.

Everyone burst out laughing, rolling on the floor, banging on the walls, choking, you know the deal.

Except Kratos, who's _way_ too badass to do that, and sides, he's _sane_. _Eeeeeew_.

"You guys are just..." Kratos stopped himself.

"Just...what?" Lynn demanded, jumping up on his chest and glaring at him. "**TELL ME!**"

Kratos glared back, placing the girl back down.

Lynn seemed as if she'd just been bitchslapped by an anvil.

"Das frig?" she glared at Kratos again, who pushed her off.

Lynn whimpered and hid in Runic's sack again.

"Damn it, Lynn, you have to stop doing that!" Runic griped. "We lose a party member and I have to lug you around!"

"The assassin didn't get in, if you're wondering 'what was so funny'," Kratos explained.

"Oh. Man, I thought it was something worth laughing at," Lloyd pouted.

"Hey, we all make mistakes," Colette shrugged.

"Except _Kratos_, who's _perfect_," Lloyd rolled his eyes. "Plllpth." (That was a raspberry, if you care)

"I've had my share of mistakes," Kratos sighed. "Like..."

"Like?" everyone leaned in. Oooh, he's gonna reveal his past! Wait for it, wait for it...

Then he tripped.

"..."

"..."

"...!"

"...?"

Everyone looked at each other, read each other's mind, and laughed.

So, that forgotten, they waltzed around, well, no. They didn't waltz. If you really need to know, they conga-lined around. Ohoho, I'm so witty.

So they found themselves at this altar, and it was weird, ya know? And there were torches on the side! The weird part was, they weren't even lit! Like, dood; that makes no sense.

Gah, I'm getting bored. You remember how the puzzle went, and for those of you who don't...you're a n00b. Go play the game.

"Okay, portal time!" Colette took a deep breath. "Everybody ready?"

"I guess," Runic coughed, snagging Diana, who was busy exploring, and stuffing her in his shirt. "Okay, go."

_Boink_

Okay, it makes a little _Tchkuuyuu _sound from what I remember, but _I_ want to put 'boink'. Shut up!

They appeared in a new room which was surrounded by water and, so says a few who've played the game (I count as a few, I've got my Synns with me) really cool and relaxing.

"You okay?" Sheryl poked Colette.

The poke caused the poor girl to fall over.

"Ow," Colette said simply.

"All this mana makes my nose tickle," Genis whined. Then he sneezed. "Oh. Never mind!"

There was an altar (oh noes, another one) in front of the room, just kinda sitting here. Ho hum. And then suddenly, in a brilliant flash of light that gave some people playing the game seizures, mermaid people appeared! But no Disney-style singing, because they were the boss of the dungeon. Man. Why couldn't it be a giant sea snake or something? That would have been so much cooler. Pfff. Mermaid bosses. What the pluck is the world coming to?

So, anyway, that out of the way, the altar went all shiny and commanded Colette to go pray and stuff. So she did, and Remiel appeared! Like, oh my gosh.

"Well done my daughter, Colette. You have released the Seal of Water." said Remiel. "Now, take these new powers with you." There was this pretty light show, and ta-da, Colette got some new angel powers. Well, that's what they said. She didn't get anything new. But I wouldn't know. Maybe she grew a cup size or something. But like I said, I wouldn't know.

"Meet me at the next seal, my beloved daughter, Colette..." and then boosh, he vanished in a puff of feathers.

So, everybody conga-lined back to the entrance. And gaspige, Colette collapsed.

"Professor! Colette's sick again!" Lloyd helped her up.

"We should set up camp for now," Raine observed. "If this happens to Colette every times she releases a seal, this isn't going to be pretty. We'll call it Angel Toxicosis for now."

The group agreed on this, seeing that the tubs had _mysteriously_ floated away. Either that, someone stole 'em. Anyway, they're pretty much stuck on the island.

_Mysteriously...oooooooh...spooky!

* * *

_

Lloyd always liked campfires. So warm and bright and nice-smelling, with the added bonus of making reassuring noises.

Although he wished it was loud enough to block the half-elf's snores. Ugh. They had a special ability for doing that, he could swear on it.

Runic was also sleeping and causing a ruckus, but he didn't snore, he sleep-talked. It was something to listen to when you were bored, but after a while stuff about kumquats chasing you for not saying the pledge of allegiance got annoying.

Lynn was chasing dust specks. And mice. But mostly dust specks. That girl was always on some sort of buzz as far as he was concerned.

Sheryl, for some odd reason, couldn't sleep, so she would rest in a basin of water. It was a sort of battery-recharger. Like a sponge, yeah.

He got up and walked around, having the urge to at the moment. He found Colette gazing into a calm pool of water, showing no signs of sleepiness.

"Colette, you're still up?" Lloyd asked.

"Hm?' the girl answered, trailing a finger in the pool, "well, I'm not sleepy yet..."

"Yeah, but you should get some rest," Lloyd sat down near her.

"Kratos is still awake," Colette motioned toward the camp.

"Sure, but Kratos volunteered to be the night watch," Lloyd pointed out.

"And Lynn? What's she doing?" Colette pointed at the girl who was scuffling with a shrubbery. She apparently lost, whined, and sulked. Suddenly, she cursed and bolted, running on all fours.

"Do I look like I know? And what about you?"

"I'm sure I'll go to sleep soon," Colette fiddled with some algae in the pool.

"Certain and sure?"

"Yes, I'm certain and sure."

"Are you sure you're certain and sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure that I'm certain and sure."

"Are you sure that you're sure that you're certain-"

"Be quiet!" Runic twitched. "Cheese, that's getting annoying!"

A cricket chirped, agreeing with him.

"Oh, sorry. Colette, take care, alright?" Lloyd left.

She stared off at him, sighing deeply.

_Lloyd...dream some good dreams for me..._

She hugged her knees, closing her eyes to try to block him out. _Remember the teachings! You can't..._

"Doesn't he have the sexiest ass you've _evah_ seen?" someone cackled behind her.

Colette jumped. "Who...what...no! What are you talking about?" she had a look behind her, where she could spy two catlike eyes watching her. There would have been a face, but it was too dark to see.

"I know where you're lookin'," the eyes swayed from side to side. "I see you checkin' his-"

"I do not!" Colette hissed, not wanting to attract attention from the camp.

"Oh, but you do!" the thing continued, something about it just a tiny bit familiar, the 'can't-put-my-finger-on-it' kind. "Why don't you just admit it and let him..._comfort_ you? You deserve it."

Colette pounced on the thing, growling. "Stop that! I don't-"

"Auch! Ras kragiet, jarbo nitche!" the thing squealed. "Astot! Met kigo!"

"What?" Colette shook it, trying to stop it from speaking gibberish.

"Don't hurt me, I said!" the thing rushed. "Actually, it was more 'no ouch please, I break easy' if you want a full translation. More or less."

Colette held the thing up to see it in a better light. It was a sort of beaked child, with a swishy lion tail and hair with spots on it. The eyes were lined like those of a cheetah, or, if you squinted, like those Egyptian ladies. There were long, flowing ear-tufts on its head, which twitched with mischievous intent. Judging from the size, it was about six or seven years old.

"Put me down, missus?" the bird-child squirmed, "you're choking me!"

"Oh, sorry," Colette put it down. "Don't let me see you around here again!"

"Aye, won't see a feather," the child bowed and ran off.

Colette snorted and sat down again. "For the record, I'm looking at his ribbons," she said to herself, huffing.

* * *

"Hey look!" Sheryl called out. "Guys, I found a tub!" 

"Shut up, I'm still asleep," Runic mumbled.

Diana pecked at his forehead until he got up.

"I'm still asleep, mind you," he yawned, smacking his lips.

"Oh noes, he's a zombie," Genis gasped.

"Shut up," Runic blasted him with a dark bolt, but missed pathetically.

"There's a hole in it," Raine knelt next to the tub, "that's probably why it's been left here. We won't be able to use it, even if it is a large tub."

"What if we roll it along?" Lloyd suggested.

Everyone stared at him.

"I mean, we can turn it on its side and run along inside it, it should move, right?"

"A wheel," Kratos clarified.

"Well I'll be," Sheryl blinked. "Lloyd had an idea!"

"And a smart one at that!" Genis gasped. "It's the end of the world! Lloyd solved a problem using _logic_!"

There was a brilliant flash of light, and a second, older Genis popped out of a portal through time and space. "You! You're copying my lines!"

"But it's true," the younger one said meekly, "I mean, look," he pointed to the giant dragon with the word "Ragnorok" painted plainly on one side, eating people.

"Well, sucks for your world!" the older one sniggered, warping out. "Oh yeah," he poked his head back out, "Presea likes cookies."

"Presea?" the younger one questioned.

"Never mind."

The dragon got bored, burped a few bones, and flew away.

"So it's not the end of the world," Runic sighed softly.

"Well, this thing ain't gonna turn itself," Lynn piped, shoving the tub into the water. "Let's roll!"

Man, some Katamari Damacy music would be really cool right now.

_You're lonely rolling star  
Don't stop moving, ok?  
You're lonely rolling star  
Now, let's face forward and go_

Now that I've completely confused you with that, they arrived at the shore and marched to Hakonesia Peak.

"It's you again," Koton spat. "Did you bring me the Spiritua Statue?"

"Yep. In exchange for the Book of Regeneration, we'll give you it," Lloyd nodded.

"Thanks," Koton nabbed the thing. "But just a look!"

Colette flipped through it, but sadly, all that she could read where things everyone knew already. Awww, jip.

"Man, that was pretty dumb," Lloyd grumbled, sitting outside where everyone was having a lunch break.

Lynn grinned, laughing inwardly.

"What now?"

"Feast your eyes...on _THIS_!" Lynn held up the...Spiritua Statue? The heck?

"The heck?" everyone gawped, mimicking the author. Except Kratos, who's _way_ too badass to do that.

"I stole it back, that's all," Lynn looked at her nails. "No big deal."

"What are we going to do with it?" Sheryl scratched her head. "We can't use it."

"Oh yes we can," Runic grinned like a madman and stuck it on a stick. "A-ha! Here's my new weapon!" Since he uses maces, you know? What? You didn't? Well, pop tarts! You do now!

"Don't you dare!" Raine hit him, taking it. "That's a priceless artifact!"

"We could always give it back to the House of Regeneration," Kratos suggested.

Everyone stared at him.

"Aaaaaaaaand why would we do that?" Lloyd asked.

"Because that's the right thing to do," Kratos said.

"Pshaw," Lynn spat. "We got it from the geyser, we're gonna keep it."

"Yeah!" everyone cheered, dashing off for new adventures over the Peak, leaving Kratos to contemplate whether or not it really was worth it to follow these people around.


	12. No Hide and Seek?

Today's reality check is brought to you by...Super Robot Wars Alpha 3. If you didn't catch it last time, haha.

**ROOC (applause, please)  
**Urby: When in zee US, do like zee USans... "Whaaazaaap!"  
And now, Krratos...  
(Kratos is not there)  
Urby: Eh?  
Beastial Kratos: leik do u have coughy? (shakes Urby)  
Urby: Coughy?  
Like zees? (cough)  
Kratos: NO!  
cough...y...teh black stuff!  
Urby: Oh! Café! Ohoho. Comme je suis bête!  
Kratos: yes! coughy! it is my blood, my s-ance, my sooool!  
Beastial Raine (calm mode): Are...you sure you have coffee for blood?  
Kratos: yes.  
im pretty sure.  
...i think.  
Raine (crazy gunslinger mode): Research!111one  
Kratos: ah sheit.  
Urby: Ca alors...  
SFX: Krackow! Bang!  
Urby: He rreeely does have café for blood. (Mmm, Starr-bucks.)  
(holds up a Starbucks cup) Starr-Bucks  
Same theeng you find ever-ee where, but fa-eve times morr expense-eve.  
Err-bee owns naughting.  
Zee End.

* * *

"Ah, Asgard!" Raine sighed, breathing in the Asgard-y air. 

"Asgard?" Lynn blinked, "I didn't know this place was Norse. Where're the gods?"

"No, the city of Ruins," Sheryl looked up at the title of the city as they approached, frowning a bit when it faded.

"Uh-oh," Genis cringed. "You're lucky Raine didn't hear that."

"Why?" Sheryl asked.

A halo appeared over Genis' head and he looked up at the sky innocently.

"Awww, he won't tell us," Lynn pouted.

"We'll make him tell us," Sheryl cracked her knuckles. "On three!"

"Four!" Lynn and Sheryl pounced, tickling the boy.

"Save me!" he said feebly in between laughs.

"Paws off," Kratos grabbed the girls roughly by their hair, shaking them.

"Eeeeiii, it hurts," Lynn sniffed. "You're ruining my...coiffure!"

"J'ai mal, aide moi!" Sheryl whined.

"The heck?" the player blinked, slapping his television. Since when did he set the language to French?

"Je comprend rien!" Raine cried, "même pas moi-même!"

"Hein?" Lloyd scratched his head, "Pourquoi... 'tain, moi aussi!"

"Zut," Lynn kicked an imaginary rock.

"On fait quoi pour parlez en Anglais?" Colette worried. "Le Français est vraiment dur! J'ai du mal à faire des phrases!"

"Urby a allez trop loin, cet fois," Runic yawned. Or, if you want the French version, Runique. Haha, just kidding. But I'm serious, that's what the spellchecker said.

"J'ai faim!" Genis felt like saying.

"This is just stupid," Kratos said.

"Thank you," Sheryl coughed, because everyone knows when Kratos thinks something is stupid, it stops happening. Go Kratos.

So, that done, they went into the City...of Asgard! (That's said in the Power Puff Girls style, just so you know.)

Lynn took a sniff of the air and hid in Runic's sack.

"Now what?" Runic shook his bag, addressing the girl within.

"The wind...it's _eeeeevilll_!" Lynn lashed out with a hand, slashing his face.

"Ow," he said after a beat.

"Well, if she doesn't feel like running around, we can't change her mind," Colette stated wisely.

So, after getting lost in the stupid number of inns and climbing a long stone staircase (which makes you wonder, how can they do it without like, getting at least short breath or something? If only I had video game endurance!) they arrived a ancient stone dais. (must it always be stone?)

Raine took one look at the dais...

And went absolutely crazy. So crazy, she started fasttalking and no one understood a word she said. Except Sheryl, who was well-versed in fasttalking, but she was distracted by a creampuff stand.

"Lloyd! State the history of the stone dais!" she commanded.

"Uh," the boy looked pleadingly at Genis.

"Many years ago, the people of Asgard worshipped the Summon Spirit of the Wind. But then a monster appeared and the mayor summoned the Summon Spirit of the Wind to defeat it. They built this stone dais to worship the Summon Spirit." Genis recited sheepishly. "Cheese Lloyd, you should know that by now."

"The wind...it's coming frrrrom heeeeerree..." Lynn hissed. "Evil evil evil!"

So anyway, Raine started lecturing, so Lloyd decided he should make himself hidden lest she ask him another question. He made his way to the back of the dais, where he found two men arguing.

"Harley, you shouldn't do this!"

"Shut up!" Harley, a half-elf, shook a fist at his companion. "Aisha's gonna die if we don't destroy the dais, and the breaker's the perfect thing to do the job!"

"Stop!" Lloyd intervened.

"Who the heck are you?" Harley jumped a few feet, whirling.

"You're going to blow up the dais?" Lloyd asked, not so much expecting an answer, but to state the obvious, because that's what the stupid main character does. Haha, let's all laugh at Lloyd, who's dumb - ack no, don't hit me, Colette! Okay, I won't diss your boyfriend any more! Ow, cheese, those chakrams hurt.

Raine, upon hearing 'blow up the dais', charged into the air, landing with a graceful crash (did I mention that I love paradoxes?) in front of the two would-be demolitions people.

"**YOU!**" she boomed, burning with indignation. "**HOW DARE YOU! HOW CAN YOU STILL CALL YOURSELVES HUMAN?**"

"I'm a half-elf," Harley said meekly.

"Oh woe," Genis sweatdropped. "Raine's gone super sayan."

"I don't see the stupidly-long gold hair," Runic peeked over the dais, "you're lying."

So, anyway, Raine busted out with some king fu and creamed 'em. Funny, I never hear that phrase anymore. Well, anyway, I need a bagel now. Get it. CREAM. BAGEL. C'mon, that was funny.

"But...we have to destroy this dais!" Harley said weakly.

"Shut up!" Raine roared, accidentally flipping the switch of the breaker in her fury.

"Oh snap," Lloyd worry-sweated.

"Crackle pop," Colette added. (I hate that cereal, man)

"This dais is a piece of history!" Raine continued, oblivious.

"Well, it's gonna be history," Lloyd pointed to the breaker.

"Lloyd, don't interrupt," she hit him with a paddle.

"The bomb!" Linar shook the woman to her senses, "turn it off!"

"But you can't!" Harley coughed weakly, "I didn't add an off button!"

"Fool!" Raine kicked Harley in the...gut. Yeah, gut. A mite lower, but let's call it the gut.

"Uh," Lloyd fiddled with some wires, just like in a real spy movie. "I think it's off now."

"Well, I'll be! You turned off the indestructible breaker!" Harley said, flabbergasted. (I'm adding 'flabbergasted' to my list of words I spontaneously giggle at!)

Raine picked it up and dropped it off the mountain, and the four watched as it bumped sadly down, shattering in many miserable little pieces.

" 'Indestructible' my foot!" Raine scoffed, kicking Harley again. Man. We should tie her hair up and she'd be Chun Li. Hmmm, the fireballs might be a problem, but I'll think a something.

Meanwhile, the mayor of Asgard caught up with them and yelled them all out. Oooh, it's the mayor, scary. Run away!

"Bother, I wanted to study the ruin," Raine sniffed.

So, like, they went to go ask Harley what the heck was going on and stuff, because that was what the guide said, and you should never, _ever_ question the Guide.

I once did, and...oooh, it's giving me the chills just thinking about it.

"Get out of my house!" a lady yelled, throwing a few pots and pans. Whoops, wrong place. Guys, it's the next screen to the right.

"Okay, thanks," Colette rubbed her head.

"That's funny. Normally, we're allowed to break into any old place, unless it's locked," Lynn remarked.

Well, hell, don't look at me.

So, finally, they arrived at Harley's pad.

"You again?" Harley yelled. "Get out of here!"

"Harley! This is my house," a young woman said, putting a hand on his arm. "What do you need?"

"Some way to get this lump out of my sack!" Runic kicked his bag.

Lynn growled, lashing out and catching the nearest thing at hand, one of Lloyd's ribbons, and tore it to shreds.

Lloyd sniffed, holding his mutilated ribbon. "Now my costume is ruined!"

"Why doesn't the mayor let anyone on the stone dais?" Raine asked.

"Because I went to study it. I accidentally released the Summon Spirit of the Wind, and now he's demanding sacrifices." Linar said meekly, kicking at a piece of dust.

"Hey, that's my thing," Lynn growled.

"This might be another seal," Sheryl suggested.

"Yes. It's possible that it is the guardian of the Wind Seal and is searching for Colette, the Chosen." Raine nodded.

"And now Aisha's gonna be sacrificed. So get out!" Harley spat.

So, to be goody-two-shoes, they left.

"I have an idea," Raine rubbed her chin. "Let's return to the dais to talk with the mayor."

So, after marching up the stairs again, damn that video game endurance, it'd be so useful in PE...

"What do you want?" the mayor groaned.

"It's about the acolyte for the sacrificial ceremony." Raine answered.

"Go away, it's a long story," the mayor sighed.

"I'd like to take Aisha's place as the acolyte." Raine stated flatly.

"Really? But you might get killed." the mayor worried.

"Then that's great!" Runic beamed, rubbing his hands together.

"That's not 'great'," Kratos shook Runic.

"Are you protecting her?" Runic snorted. "Got a crush?"

"No, I'm looking at it from a gamer's point of view," Kratos shook the boy again, "if she dies, we lose our main healer. She's the only one who'll ever get to learn Revive, and there _will_ be a time when we run out of life bottles."

"The ninja lady learns Purgatory Seal," Sheryl raised her hand.

"Do we have the ninja lady?"

"Mmhhh...mmhhh...mmrrrph...

...Point there."

So, awp, everyone got ready for the ceremony. More like, Raine beat up a few people to get them out of the house so she could get changed, and everyone else tried to bring them back to life without wasting life bottles, because _daymn_, those things are expensive. I think. Does it look like I know these things off the top of my head, man?

So, yawp, she did the lame little 'dance', and boosh, a purple scythe-monster appeared. Like Kilia, but not.

"Where is...the girl...?" it said in a gruff voice, grabbing Raine.

"That's not the guardian!" Colette cried.

"Eviiiiiil!" Lynn leaped from the bag, biting the thing's head.

"Not...here..." the thing growled, dropping Raine and tearing Lynn off itself. "Where...?"

"Who does he want?" Runic panicked, "Colette? Sheryl? Aisha? KRATOS?"

"I'm not a girl," Kratos snorted.

"Says you," Runic stuck a toothpick in his mouth, which a butterfly landed on.

So, the monster, called the Windmaster, began tearing through the group, lashing about and trying to find 'her'. The guys found it was a nice opportunity to show off their manliness while all the girls booked. Knight in shining armor, yeah. Except Runic, who's...the...necromancer in a black cape.

"Ca...caaaahhh!" the Windmaster reached out for the ladies, only to be stopped by Lloyd. Go, Lloydie!

"Hey! We're the ones fighting you!" he cried, slashing its arm.

After much yelling, swearing, hack and slashing, eating popcorn, hitting, and blowing stoff up

...and even more swearing

"Master...waits...!" the Windmaster wheezed, reaching out a final time before perishing.

"What's this?" Lloyd picked up a stone tablet after the Windmaster was defeated.

"Read the description," Runic said wearily.

"Hmmm...'Map of Balacruf'."

"Eeeei!" Raine squealed, "_the_ map? Splendid!"

"We can translate it at my place," Linar suggested, "I've the materials."

"Let's, let's!" Raine nabbed the thing and dashed away.

"That was really cool," Harley stood up, "you're half-elves, right?" he gestured to Genis.

"N, no, we're wholeblood elves," he replied uneasily.

"Really? I wouldn't mistake my own kind," Harley protested, twitching an ear.

Genis looked visibly hurt, biting his lip.

"Ah, I was wrong. Looks like you and your sister are wholeblood elves," Harley laughed good-naturedly.

So, after all that excitement, the party decided to stay at the Cool Breeze Inn. (which, might I add, was completely free! Ain't that a hoot? If only it worked for all inns, eh?)

The group lay sprawled out in front of the fireplace, utterly exhausted. Except Lynn, who was drinking out of a stupidly-big jug of milk.

"Don't do that, you're going to get a stomachache in the morning," Runic groaned, rubbing his head.

"Buu," Lynn stuck her tongue out, hiding in a corner. Her beady little gold eyes dared anyone to go into her corner so she could have some fresh meat.

"Does anyone know who the Windmaster was looking for?" Colette asked suddenly.

"Yeah, that was kinda weird, he was all stalker-like and stuff," Sheryl yawned, entertaining herself by transforming her arm into a snapping jaw.

"He said something about a master," Genis remarked, "wonder what that means."

"I smell foreshadowing," Lloyd stretched.

* * *

So yeah, the next day... 

"Let's go get Raine, c'mon, get up!" Genis shook a few people, who were still lounging in the living room.

"Let's leave her here," Runic groaned, covering his head with a futon.

So, ignoring the angsty guy, they went and fetched the crazy lady and the stupid tablet. Notice I didn't mention any names in that last sentence. For all that you know, I could be talking about Riku, Urby and some Prozac! Haha, but this is ToS, so rest assured it's about that. For one, I'm not a lady! (I'm a dudette.) And two...you don't know who Riku is.

"She translated the whole thing by herself, basically," Linar laughed uneasily. "She's amazing..."

"Raine has another fan," Genis sighed, fluffing up his hair.

"Quite the catch, isn't she?" Lloyd joked.

"Really?" Runic reeled her in with a fishing pole, "I've caught nicer fish."

Raine turned around and slapped 'em all sane, because they already were silly.

"Here's the story: the original summoner of the Summon Spirit of the Wind summoned the spirit to defeat a monster demanding sacrifices." Raine commented.

"Over time, the people became confused and thought that the monster sealed away was the Summon Spirit of Wind." Linar added.

"The summoner sealed away this map with the monster in case the people needed to find the Summon Spirit again." Raine held up the Map of Balacruf. "This map should lead us right to the next seal."

"Interesting," Runic looked at his feet in thought. "But I could'a done that, had I the time..." (BUT I BET HE COULDN'T. BUT YOU NEVER KNOW - COUGH COUGH - AHEM.)

"You're the Chosen's group, right?" Aisha asked, "do be careful. Thank you for everything!"

"Awww, shucks," Lloyd rubbed his head.

"If you really wanted to thank us, you'd let us pilfer your pantry," Lynn coughed.

"Lynn!" Colette hit her on the head with a Pow Hammer, which surprisingly made a piano drop sound. Hmmm...pianos...

So, leaving Asgard, the group headed for the Balacruf Mausoleum. Along the way, they stopped by the town of Luin, because everyone knows at every town, there are new weapons!

"How come they know to stock our weapons for us?" Colette wondered, spinning a chakram on her finger.

"Yeah, I mean, circle-y thingies aren't a common choice," Lynn threw her fan in the air, catching it.

"Well, don't look at me," Sheryl cracked her new whip, laughing in a dominatrix way. Oh, it comes with Dominatrix Armor - "Specialty...Armor".

They moped about, not wanting to progress with the storyline just yet. They reached a beautiful fountain, bubbling merrily.

"Okay, fine, I'll be 'It' this time," a familiar voice sighed good-naturedly.

They hunted for the source of the voice, to find it was Madame Ninja...Sheena! D'oh! Someone find a brick and throw it at me.

Ow, ow! Oh well, free brick!

The kids scattered gleefully (Sheryl did as well, because hey, it's hide and seek, dood!) and Sheena turned around to start counting, only to run into the group.

"You...you!" she pointed at Colette, hyperventilating. She searched her bow, trying to find something there. "Crap! I left my cards at the inn!"

"There's a choice menu," Lloyd pointed in front of his face, but no one saw what he did. "Which should I say?"

"Say she's cute!" Runic hissed, only to be beaten to a pulp by Lynn.

"You're pretty nice," Lloyd said, ignoring him.

Sheena flushed, rummaging through her bow a second time. "Dammit! I'll get you next time!" she threw a smoke ball, escaping.

"No hide and seek?" Sheryl whined.

"Nope," Lynn bounced the Runic-ball she made and slam-dunked it into the fountain.

"Noooo!" Runic gasped, scrambling out of the fountain, "Not water!"

"Wow, you're spoiled," Lynn spat. "A little wa-wa make you go eeei?"

"It's heated! I hate hot water!" Runic panted, wringing out his cape.

So, that done, they arrived at Balacruf. There were some people walking around, not doing much. Because this is an RPG, of course they had enough time to talk to the group.

"I wanted to go inside, but the door's shut," a traveler sighed.

"Look, a dog!" Genis pointed ostentatiously, "Colette, go name it!"

"That dog already had a name," Colette went to go pet it anyway.

"Does that mean..." Genis thought, gears turning in that little head of his, "a Colette from the future went and named 'em all already?"

"No, it belongs to somebody," Runic gestured to the dog's owner. "Nice hypothesis, though." A butterfly landed on his nose, which freaked him out and caused him to hide in his own sack.

"Copycat," Lynn kicked the bag.

"S'my sack, cin do whatever I want with it," Runic pouted.

So, Raine plugged the Map into a pedestal, and like, gasp, an oracle stone appeared. Then Colette did the whole hand bit and yey they went inside. You can tell by now I'm bored writing those bits.

"Lynn, how's the wind?" Raine turned to the girl.

"Hmmm, it's nice," Lynn sniffed daintily. "Cheerful and friendly."

"Whatever you say," Sheryl shrugged.

So, the group maneuvered around a bunch of traps, which were, at least in my game, REALLY ANNOYING AND IMPOSSIBLE TO AVOID! Maybe I'm not l33t enough.

Meanwhile, the ninja lady - gah, I mean Sheena, ran up to the entrance. Noishe growled, prepared for another scuffle.

"You again?" Sheena panted. "Corrine!"

The little fox critter appeared in a puff of smoke, yipping. Sheena grabbed him, shaking it in front of Noishe's nose, laughing in a not-quite-so-sane way.

"You won't eat him now, haha, hahaha! 'Cuz I've got him, not you! And-"

Noishe chomped Sheena's hand, Corrine and all.

"Aaaaaaurgh!" Sheena clutched her hand, holding it up. It was bleeding a little bit, but she was acting as if he'd gone and chomped the darn thing off. Corrine did a flip and landed on the ground safely.

"Uh, ma'am?" a tourist approached her. "I'm a psychologist, I can help you..."

"_VENGENCE!_" Sheena yelled. "I'll bite you too!" she jabbed a finger at Noishe, burning with indignation.

**Sheena earned the title of "Overworked".**  
_Take a break, man! She'll die, eventually.  
Waitaminnit...she's not part of the party yet...I mean, she's not part of the party! I didn't put a 'yet' there!_

"Please, calm down!" the tourist patted her shoulder, "Maybe you should take a break, get some rest? I'm sure that would make you feel a lot better."

Sheena paused, falling to the ground. "You're right...gah, what am I doing here..."

Meanwhile, Corrine was battling with Noishe!

"Uhhh...nice weather, huh?"

(Woof.)

"Humans been treatin' ya well?"

(Arf arf.)

"Errr...hey, what's your blood type?"

(Whine.)

"Really? So am I."

Sheena looked up at Corrine, who was trying so hard, not giving up! And there she was, on the ground and ready to go home with her tail between her legs! Shame! What a shitty ninja! Everyone throw tomatoes!

"Thanks for your help," she got up, "but I have a job to do..."

So, meanwhile, the group had solved the pinwheel puzzle. Just so you know, I did it all not by reading the walls, not by looking at the guide, but by _guessing_! And I did it right, too! That means I'm l33t!

So, on the roof of the mausoleum, there was an altar. Oooh, altar.

"Man. All this mana..." Genis began.

"Is...?" everyone leaned in.

"Is...tickling me!" Genis burst, giggling.

Then the there was a flash of light, revealing a bird-beast with long, spindly legs with sharp talons. It cawed, tearing through the room.

"Iapyx!" Lynn squealed, leaping on the thing's head and hugging it. Apparently, it couldn't see anymore, because it froze and tried to shake the girl off, shrieking.

"That's good, Lynn, keep doing that!" Lloyd called, hacking at it.

So, finally, Iapyx fell, much to Lynn's sadness. Awww. Whatever. On with the story.

_Chosen One...offer your prayers at the altar... _The Voice commanded.

"Yes!" Colette stepped up, doing as told.

Remiel appeared, gliding gently down.

"Well done, Chosen One. Accept the blessing of Cruxis." said he in a monotone voice, a surprising change from the past, where he greeted Colette lovingly.

"Father...?" Colette worried.

Remiel ignored this plea, showering her with a holy light, granting her new angel strength.

"Father...have I done something to displease you?" she asked softly.

"The next seal lies off to the west, on an altar overlooking the Tower of Salvation. Offer your prayers in that distant land. I'm proud of you, my darling daughter, Colette." Remiel flew away. Or he exploded in a flash of feathers. Ho hum.

Colette landed in silence.

"Colette?" Lloyd saw the hurt look on her face.

"Remiel always sounds boring like that." Genis did an imaginary push-of-the-glasses-back-on-the-nose motion. It's imaginary, since he doesn't have glasses, get it?

"Genis! Apologize to Colette!" Raine scolded, slapping him over the head.

"Ow!" was all he said.

"It's okay. Remiel...I mean, Father, always sounds that way." Colette smiled weakly.

The group filed out quietly, except Sheryl, who was singing a nonsense song. (I got a lovely bunch of coconuts...)

"H, hey! Wait, you!"

"You again?" Kratos turned, spying Sheena in another hall.

"Oh! It's you again! Why do we have to fight if we're friends now?" Colette asked.

"Friends?" Sheena spat. "Since when were we friends? These ruins will be your graveyard!"

"It's your funeral!" Lynn leaped clean over everyone and landed on her head, which she seems to be doing a lot of this chapter. _Everyone's counting on me,_ Sheena thought, summoning a Guardian and battling with a Lynn-shaped wig on her head.

"Please, stop!" Colette spread her wings, avoiding Sheena's assault. "I don't want to hurt you!"

"I do," Lynn chomped on her head. "Bleagh! You need to wash your hair."

"Shut up!" Sheena yelled, flinging her into the ground. "You aren't necessarily clean either! You smell like a wet gryphon!"

"Pfrah! Do not! I'll get you for that!" Lynn leaped up and threw her fan at the ninja lady.

Apparently, she didn't have much HP left, because that fan KO'd her.

"No! Why...why can't I win?" Sheena coughed, trying to get up.

"Because goodness and love will always win!" Genis flashed a peace sign.

"No! No Dwarven Vows here!" Lloyd yelled, clapping his hands over his ears. "Especially not _that_ one!"

"Goodness and love?" Sheena laughed dryly.

"No, not you too!" Lloyd hit his head against a wall.

"If you're good, then so am I!" Sheena protested, hitting the ground with a fist.

"But we're out to regenerate the world!" Genis leaped.

"Yes. When I regenerate the world, everyone will be saved." Colette smiled.

"Everyone? Don't make me laugh." Sheena lifted herself up.

"What? What do you mean by that?" Lloyd dashed, but the ninja lady (I sincerely hope you know who I'm talking about) escaped with a smoke ball.

And now, it's time for me to escape!


	13. Parties and Exspheres!

**A few cosmetic changes were made to the last chapter - go read it for more up-to-date Urbish funny. There is also a important detail there you might want to notice - cough cough - ahem.  
**

Today's reality check is brought to you by...Winamp. You don't know how funny it is to listen to Sheena's theme, then the randomize feature suddenly picks the Zelos theme...or something stupid like that. I'll spare you from the weird pairings Winamp comes up with...RunicxLloyd? WHAT? NOOO, IMPOSSIBILITY.

Although it is funny to hear Raine's Relical Mode remix and then one of the Chosen's Serious or It is Sad remixes. 

**Like, I don't own ToS, man.

* * *

**"Well, ain't that odd," Runic rubbed his chin, "I hate it when people are mysterious."

"Oooh," Sheryl said in a spooky voice, covering herself with Runic's cape.

"Scary," Genis said hammily, and a butterfly fluttered by.

"Ah-ha!" Runic punched the air, "Finally! A butterfly that's not meant for me!"

"Whoo. Let's throw a party," Lynn threw some confetti, and a lonely cricket chirped.

So, after the party, they walked out of the mausoleum. Well, if you really need to know, Lynn had to be dragged, she drank a bit too much at the party, poor girl. Yes, she's underage, and no, nobody cares. Man, I wish I could do that (cough_IMKIDDING_cough)

Suddenly, Colette lurched forward, clutching her stomach. Lloyd caught her before she did a nosedive into the pavement, though. I wish someone would save me when I do that...

"Colette!" Lloyd yelled, shaking her gently. "Are you okay?"

"I'm...fine," Colette coughed, looking up. She stood up by herself, only to fall down again, dragging Lloyd down as well. Oooh, oooh, dogpile on Colette!

"Lloyd! What are you doing?" Genis ran up to them. "Colette, are you okay?"

Colette pushed herself up, groaning. Then, she looked around, wearing a blank look on her face.

"Colette?" Genis asked softly, waving a hand in front of her face, snapping his fingers. No reaction. Not even a blink. "The lights are on, but nobody's home."

Colette rattled her head, getting back into focus. "I'm fine. Really! I just need some rest. Sorry for making everyone worry."

"I didn't worry," Runic looked at his nails.

"Tall, dark (elf) and handsome," Lynn glomped him, obviously dangerously drunk.

"Aaaaaach!" Runic screamed, melting. "The love! It buuuurns!"

"Oh no, bro!" Sheryl danced around him. "Use the force, Runic!"

So Runic forced the girl off him. Get it? Force? Haha. Yeah, that was lame, yes, I know, cricket time.

* * *

The night had a sense of impending doom in the air. Or maybe it was an event. Darb it! I have to be serious for this! 

Okay...

Deep breath...

Serious mode, on. I can be silly later.

"Colette?" Lloyd found the girl, standing a safe distance from camp.

"Lloyd?" she turned, addressing him in the same way he did - a sort of shy way.

There was something suspicious about the way she was acting - but he had to be sure. "Let me see your hand," he reached out, using a firm voice to let her know he was serious. Suspecting nothing, she placed it on his gently.

"You're hurt. It must have been when you fell," he said after looking at it. "Look how much you're bleeding!" he unclipped the cuff on her sleeve, revealing about half of her arm, which was stained crimson. (Crimson!)

"But it doesn't hurt," Colette tore away from him, covering her arm.

"What?" Lloyd coughed, not because he didn't hear her, but to make sure he heard her right.

"I mean...it doesn't hurt that much," she said hastily, turning away.

Lloyd contemplated this for a moment, an idea creeping into his head.

"Colette...can I...talk to you for a minute?"

A few minutes later, Lloyd returned with two cups of coffee. (Why coffee so late at night, I have no idea. Maybe they're going to get naughty, ahaha...)

What? Who's on the computer? Now that I don't have Synns anymore, it could be anything...

"I thought we might have something to drink while we talked," he handed her a cup. "Coffee."

"Thanks," Colette smiled, wrapping her hands around it.

"It's hot, isn't it?" Lloyd asked casually, sipping from his.

"Yeah. Really hot," Colette chuckled softly.

"I lied. It's actually iced coffee. I had Genis make it cold," Lloyd said nonchalantly. (But he has to know what that word means first, ahaha...)

"Oh. Yeah, it's cold," Colette coughed.

"I lied again. It's actually hot."

Colette, realizing what he was doing to her, dropped the cup and took a few steps back, stunned.

"You can't feel anything, can you?" Lloyd demanded, approaching her. "Earlier when you fell, your hand was bleeding like crazy. You didn't even flinch when I squeezed your hand!"

"It doesn't hurt that much," Colette hid her hands in her sleeves.

"You haven't been eating either. You even started eating things you don't like!"

"I eat," Colette laughed.

"Stop! You always do that fake laugh when you lie. Colette, tell me the truth!"

Colette stared at the ground, folding her hands together.

"Alright, Lloyd," she sighed, looking at him.

"It all started at the Seal of Fire. I just didn't get hungry anymore. I can't hold anything down when I force myself, so...I stopped eating. Even when I did, it didn't have any taste."

"No taste?" Lloyd asked, trying to imagine a world without chocolate. Brrr.

"It got worse at the Seal of Water," Colette continued, looking at the stars. "I couldn't sleep anymore."

"Really?" Lloyd interrupted, hardly believing his ears.

"Yeah. I close my eyes, but nothing happens. So, I just do something mindless while everyone's sleeping," she twiddled her thumbs. "And now...I can't feel anything anymore."

"How...can you deal with this?" Lloyd choked, clearing his throat.

"Well...I guess...this is just what it means to become an angel..." Colette flapped her wings briefly.

"This is what it means to become an angel?" Lloyd shouted angrily, "Not eating anymore, not sleeping anymore, not feeling anymore?"

"But my hearing and vision have gotten better," Colette smiled, nodding. "I can see really far away now. And I can hear the faintest sounds really well. So well, that...it hurts sometimes," she blinked, as if just realizing that.

"Colette...I'm sorry," Lloyd hugged her. She tensed for a moment but eventually relaxed. "I should have noticed sooner..."

"Please don't tell the others about this," she sighed, tracing patterns on his shirt.

Lloyd held her at arms length, blinking.

"Why?" he asked, sounding like a child.

"Well, we're all on this journey together, and...I want it to be fun," Colette said softly. "I don't want people to worry about me."

"You're so stupid!" Lloyd sobbed, hugging her again.

"Lloyd...I know you're crying for me, and it makes me want to cry too, but...I can't anymore...

I'm sorry."

* * *

The next morning! I can be silly again! Sure, I liked the angsty Colloyd-ness, but now I get to do what I'm known for. (I think? Okay, fine, what this fic is known for. I think? Oh, shut up.) 

So they went west, because, like, Remiel told them to, and so did the Guide, and remember: the Guide knows all. Even the color of my socks! Oh, no! Not the _socks_!

They passed Luin on their trek.

"Maybe we should stop by," Sheryl suggested, "look at our poor food sack," she shook it, and it was empty, empty, empty.

So, seeing everything was fine, they entered Luin.

"What the...?" Sheryl yelped, because the city was smoking and completely sacked.

"It was fine when we were on the World Map," Lloyd rubbed his chin, "okay, everyone, out!"

So they returned to the World Map, but by then the game realized Luin was supposed to be dead, so it was kinda...dead. They went back inside. (This actually happened to me, man.)

"This is..." Colette began.

"...Horrible!" Lloyd finished.

"Bastards!" Lynn growled, picking up a piece of charcoal. Charcoal is fun to draw with, but beware the ash on the hands. It's hard to get off, and it doesn't taste all that good. But it's not like I would know! (Not from personal experience at least.)

So, picking their way through the rubble to look for survivors, they reached the fountain, which was miserable and broken. The only thing worth noting was...

Sheena? She lay wounded near the fountain.

"What happened here?" Sheryl asked, kneeling next to her and propping her up, slapping her face to wake her up.

"Stop, you don't need to do that."

"What did you do?" Raine demanded, grabbing her by the shirt and shaking her.

"Heh," Sheena laughed feebly, coughing up a bit of blood, "finish me off. I don't have the strength to fight."

Colette poked a gash, waiting for a reaction. Apparently, Sheena wasn't kidding when she said she didn't have any strength left, because she didn't wince.

Sheryl poked her too, but just for the sake of poking something.

"Professor, please, heal her!" Colette stood up.

"What?" Raine gasped, dropping Sheena.

"Ow," Sheena coughed.

"Please, Professor!" Colette urged.

"Wait. This might be a trap," Raine snorted, sitting down next to the ninja lady. "Tell us what happened."

"Feh. You're as cunning as you look," Sheena smirked, sitting up with some difficulty. "Some folks from the Human Ranch escaped and were hiding out here. The Desians found out and attacked the village. I tried to stop them, but..."

"Damn Desians," Lloyd punched the ground.

"Don't destroy doods," Lynn mimicked his action. Bonus points for alliteration!

"Can you heal her now?" Colette asked.

"Can you hear me now?" a guy walked by, talking on a cell phone, pausing in his stride. "Good," he smiled, and walked on.

"Well..." Raine thought.

"Do it," Runic commanded.

"Fine. But you're all too softhearted for your own good."

So, Sheena got healed, good as new! Yey, let's throw a party!

"Do you guys do this often?" Sheena asked, trying to take off the party hat that had appeared on her head, annoyed by it. Besides, it was green, and green just _wasn't_ her color. Like, _eeew_! (GM is going to kill me)

"Started happening this chapter," Colette blew on a noisemaker, "not sure whether it'll last, though."

"Pass some of the cake," Sheena reached for it.

"My cake," Lynn hogged it, along with the champagne. Well, she forcefed some to Genis, but other than that, the champagne was hers.

"Don't get drunk now," Runic cowered behind someone, because he'd rather not be glomped again.

"I have a favor to ask of you," Sheena sighed, putting her head down.

"We heal you, and now you ask for favors?" Sheryl bobbed for an apple. Hey, free apple!

"Let her speak," Runic elbowed his sister, popping a confetti popper.

"The survivors where taken to the Ranch," Sheena explained, "and I need to repay them for lodging and all that...I can't get into the base by myself..."

"So you want to join our group?" Lloyd clarified, dancing to some music. (Jukebox: Clocks by Coldplay)

"Well...for now," Sheena sat down, playing with a wine glass.

"Sure," everyone said, minus Raine and Kratos because they're not cool. Well, yes, they are cool, but not just then.

So, after the party (Poor Lynn, I'd hate to see her liver) they went to the Asgard Human Ranch - (Dressing! Ahaha!) Not you again!

"Wow, it's pretty well-defended," Sheryl noticed the mob of guards standing watch from behind the rock everyone was hiding behind.

"Word must have spread about our last scuffles with the Desians," Runic peeked over Monsieur Rock.

"We shouldn't just barge in," Lynn sneered, recovering from her alcohol binge quickly. "We'll need a plan, kyiet aler."

"Kee wha?" Genis turned. "You, the twins, say that again!" he pointed at Lynn, missing by a few inches.

"Kyiet aler: in other words, make it smart," Lynn explained, narrowing her eyes, counting the guards.

"We could ambush some, and steal their uniforms and sneak in with disguises," Lloyd suggested.

"Oh my gawsh!" Genis gasped, hiccupping. "Lloyd...had another idea!"

"I'm guessing that doesn't happen often?" Sheena asked, the little green party hat still stuck on her head.

"It's an event worth celebrating," Genis explained, waiting for the magical line that would let them all get drunk again.

"Lemmie guess...with a party?" Sheena sweatdropped.

"No more parties for a while, at least not now, we'll blow our cover," Raine hissed.

A sentry went out to investigate, wondering what the ruckus was all about. The group pounced, beating the sentry and his pals into a bloody, ketchupy pulp.

"Hmmm," Raine rummaged through the pile of clothing, "only one of the uniforms we obtained looks intact enough to wear."

"Oooh, oooh! I wanna be the Desian!" Lloyd jumped, raising his hand.

"Grow a chest first, it's a _woman's_ uniform," Lynn snorted.

"Awww, man," Lloyd sighed, moping.

"We'll infiltrate the Ranch first thing tomorrow morning," Raine said wisely. (Sagely! I can't believe I passed that up!)

Everyone agreed, I mean, they just partied, I think you'd want to hit the sack after that, man.

* * *

"Who's going to wear the uniform?" Lloyd suddenly asked, knowing no one was asleep yet. 

"Not me," Sheena hid into her covers.

"I'll be suspicious," Sheryl said from her basin.

"Well, hell, don't look at me," Lynn stalked a bit of dandelion fluff.

"I'm not tall enough," Colette sighed.

"You don't have the chest, either," Runic sniggered.

"Zz juew," she said into her pillow.

"I guess it's Raine, then," Lloyd shrugged.

"Bother," Raine sighed. "Brilliant, let's throw a -"

"No, Professor, not at this hour!" Colette threw a plush dog at her.

So, the next morning...

"I've found the wanted prisoner, Lloyd Irving!" Raine announced, decked out in her Desian uniform.

"Very good! And alive, too," one nodded.

"Even the Grand Cardinals couldn't get him!" a second whistled.

"Are you...involved?" a third leaned in, waggling his eyebrows.

"Yes," Raine lied quickly, shuffling past. Or is she?

A Desian inside told her to go enter Lloyd's ID in the control room (Sweet, that's the place to make the place explode!)

"That was easy," Sheena sweatdropped.

"Shhh! I hear voices in the next room," Colette whispered.

"Really now?" Lynn blinked.

To prove her right, Botta and his goons burst through the door! Like, eeek!

"You again?" Botta smirked. "Out of our way!"

And then, Kratos stepped forward, and all of them ran like chickens with their heads cut off. Yeeeey Kratos! All the more reason to love him. Except me. I don't really love him. Shoo, shoo.

Just then, another door slid open (This guy's too _refined_ for bursting down doors) revealing a man with thin eyes, fancy clothing, and a suave haircut.

"You are you?" Lloyd pointed with a sword.

"You barge into _my_ ranch and demand _my_ name?" the man raised an eyebrow with practiced hauteur.

"Oh woe, Lloyd, he got you there," Genis sniggered.

"Shut up," Lloyd yanked his hair.

"That's Kvar, one of the Desian Five Grand Cardinals, and leader of the Asgard ranch." Kratos explained, because everyone knows Kratos knows _everything_.

"When I was informed about filth running around, I was sure it was Botta and those Renegades. But it seems I was wrong." Kvar smiled in that noble way that made normal people want to go punch him in the face.

Lynn shrieked, throwing a fan. Kvar dodged it neatly, hardly moving. It _screamed_ Exsphere.

A few Desian wizards appeared out of nowhere, (well, they used the door, fine) flinging a few fireballs at the party. (well, they aimed at Colette and Kratos, fine) Kratos managed to use Guardian, but Colette took the full blast.

"Colette!" Lloyd gasped.

"I'm okay," Colette blinked, shrugging it off.

Kvar took the chance to run away. (Coward.)

The group walked out through the door the Desians came through, exploring. Who knows, they might find a treasure chest!

Instead, they found themselves in a huge room bustling with machinery. There were people on conveyer belts within, entering a large machine which spat out large boxes. They meandered through the plant, coming to a dead end.

"What's this machine?" Lloyd looked up, trying to find where it ended.

"This is an Exsphere manufacturing plant," a voice said from behind them. The group turned to find Kvar and an army of Desians.

"You," Lynn said calmly, in that 'ho snap, she's mad now' way.

"We put a lot of time into making our Exspheres," Kvar continued.

"By using the humans!" Lynn butted, pointing.

"Oh, yes. We cultivate them," Kvar smirked.

"What?" Lloyd gasped. "You mean...Exspheres are made of..."

"Of course. Why else would we take so much time raising these pathetic inferior beings?" Kvar waved a hand, laughing in that noble way (that made normal people want to go punch him in the face) "Your Exsphere, Lloyd, was an offering to Lord Yggdrasill."

"Mine?" Lloyd stepped back, covering his hand up. It was true that it was rather spiffy looking.

"Yes. Your mother stole it from us." Kvar nodded.

"What? My mother was killed by you Desians!" Lloyd yelled.

"Your mother, human name, Anna, escaped with that Exsphere that took so much time to make." Kvar explained in that conceited way, "Besides, it wasn't _us_ who killed your mother. It was your father."

"My...father?" Lloyd wondered, sneaking a peek at his Exsphere.

"Yes. She was turned into a monster, and your father killed her. Pathetic, isn't it? Those two inferior beings..." Kvar scoffed, fussing with his hair.

"Do not speak ill of the dead!" Kratos yelled, stepping up.

"Gasp, Kratos got emotional," Sheryl noted.

"He _never_ does that," Genis agreed.

"Kratos...?" Kvar raised an eyebrow (with practiced hauteur) "Kill them."

A bunch of Desians swarmed them, trapping them like mice!

What, the term is rats? Vermin in general! Cheese!

Mice, cheese...I crack myself up.

"Let me handle this!" Sheena held up a card, looking at it fondly. "This is the last one, Grandpa."

Throwing it up into the air, a Guardian appeared, teleporting them out. Awww, I wanted to fight, gain EXP. That Guardian should have been able to fight, right? What? What do you mean, all it did was port them out? Awww, jip! I want a refund!

"What should we do, boss?" a Desian asked Kvar.

"Nothing for now. If we need to find them, we can simply follow the Chosen's signature trail. Besides, it's tea time!"

That said, Kvar left the room to go have some tea and scones.

I'll have mine with strawberry jelly, please!

(That night, people! Chop chop, get into your pajamas!)

Those who had Exspheres held them in their hands, staring at the glowing jewel things.

"I can't believe Exspheres are made from human lives," Sheena gaped.

"This is Marble's life," Genis held his Exsphere up, looking at it as it shone in the moonlight.

Raine gazed mindlessly into hers, not saying anything. Whose life was this?

"Man, I hate these things!" Lloyd screamed, tearing his Key Crest off his hand.

"Join the club," Lynn spat.

"Pulling them off won't change anything," Kratos said wisely (Sagely...wait no.)

"I don't care. They killed my mom to make this!" he snapped.

"Um, my opinion might not matter as much since I don't use an Exsphere," Colette cleared her throat, "but I don't think we should throw away our Exspheres yet."

"Without them, you're all just a bunch of weak humans," Runic chewed on a blade of grass.

"Yes. All of those people's hopes and dreams are in those Exspheres. After this journey, you can throw them away if you like. But we must keep them for a while longer." Kratos pointed out, always the voice of reason (when Raine didn't feel up to it) "I thought you weren't going to make anymore mistakes, Lloyd."

"You're right," Lloyd sighed, replacing his Exsphere, "I'm not going to make anymore mistakes. This is my mom..."

"Is...that on your left hand?" Lynn asked.

"No...why?"

"Naw-ting."

"So, how are we going to get into the base again?" Sheryl wondered aloud. "They're not going to fall for the same trick twice."

"I know someone that might be able to help us," Sheena suggested. "His name's Pietro, and he lives in Hima. He escaped from the human ranch."

"Pietro? How do you know him?" Lloyd asked.

"Th, that's none of your business! We should just go to Hima tomorrow and ask him how he escaped." Sheena flushed.

(This is Urby, doods, and I'm here to say that I have no idea what goes on from here so if something's messed up I'm 'fraid you'll just have to deal.

But I'll leave that for next chapter.)

* * *

_Mr. Extra Scene! Preparing the coffee for Colette...right after "Colette...can I...talk to you for a minute?"_

Lloyd dashed back to camp, shuffling through the sleeping bodies to find who he was looking for.

"Genis!" the boy shook his younger companion.

"I didn't do it!" the little one jumped, shivering.

"I need you to whip something up to drink."

"Fine, fine. Hot or cold?" Genis ruffled his hair, getting it into position.

"One iced, one hot," Lloyd commanded.

"Yes, sir," Genis rolled his eyes, poking a kettle. "Luckily, Kratos already got something ready. Here's your warm one," he handed Lloyd a cup, "and here's your iced one!" he pulled out his kendama with a flourish, pointing at another cup, "Icicle!"

"..."

"...?"

"Thanks, Genis, but...now the cup's stuck in the ice..."

"Well, you have to tell me these things," Genis yawned. "I don't think straight when I wake up. You should know better. Who's it for, anywho?"

"Me, because I can't stand hot coffee," Lloyd scratched the back of his head. "Always burns me."

"Wuss," Genis yawned, going back to bed.

"I am not a wuss," Lloyd huffed, carrying the cups back to where Colette was.


	14. OMG SHINEE

Random fact of the day: I wrote this like in January. Lala lazy!

* * *

So, the next day, the group set off for Hima, because Sheena said so and the Guide did too. Ah-ha! I'm not wearing socks today, so you don't know their color! Take _that_, guide!

So, after passing by a lot of majestic mountain ranges and taking a lot of pictures, they arrived in Hima. (Tourists!)

"A dog!" Genis pointed ostentatiously at the said canine, "Colette!"

"Okay, okay," Colette worry-sweated, walking over to name the pooch.

So, awp, they went into the inn because Sheena would open a can of whoopass on 'em if they didn't. And everyone knows she has to save that for Zelos! Whoops, that was a spoiler. I never said that!

"Sheena! Good to see you again!" the waitress greeted warmly.

"Same here. May we speak with Pietro?"

"I'm...afraid he passed away."

"Passed away?" Lloyd gasped.

"Rude," Lynn looked at her nails sheepishly, "guy went and croaked before we could steal his way out."

"It was a curse from the human ranch," the waitress explained.

"Did he ever say about how he got out? Anything at all?" Sheena worried.

"I'm afraid not."

"You're afraid of everything," Runic snorted, waving a plastic googly spider in front of the lady's face.

"Eeeei!"

"Where's his grave?" Sheena asked.

"It's in the graveyard, on the hill behind the inn." the woman sighed, jabbing a thumb outside. "Please don't think about digging up his grave."

"Why would we?" Sheryl stuck her tongue out in disgust. "If he's dead, well, let him stay dead!"

"It's called 'grave looting'," Lynn elbowed her. "It's fun!"

"_Eeee_eeeeew."

So, lalala, the group walked up a hill behind the inn, like the woman suggested yadayadayadee. They found a rope, covered in ribbons with names on them.

_Perhaps...those who died at the ranch, _the group lowered their heads.

"Let's pray," Colette suggested gently.

Following the girl's example, everyone prayed (at least I think, Runic mighta just bowed his head and muttered 'A curse on you'...but I wouldn't know, man)

While they were all praying (at least, that's what we think) a strange man hobbled up to them.

"Chosen...die...Desians...ranch...die..." he said in a father freaky voice.

"Eeeei! A zombie!" Sheryl screamed. "I didn't loot your grave, I swear!"

"Zombie?" Raine kicked Runic.

"Oh, just because I'm a necromancer, pfrah..."

"Pietro?" Sheena turned.

"Who knows, he might have been revived. I mean, hello, life bottles," Runic swished one around, taking a swig. "Bleagh! I can see why only dead people can drink this."

"They don't work all the time," Lynn countered.

"Really? Like when?"

"FF VII? Aeris?"

"...

Shut up. Those are phoenix downs."

"Oh, same difference! How do those things work anyway?"

"I don't know. Maybe you tickle their nose or something...?"

"There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you!" the lady from the inn ran up to Pietro.

"I thought you said he died!" Sheena gasped. "You lied to us!"

"But look at him!" the lady cried, "I mean, he hasn't been the same since he escaped the human ranch!"

"Chosen...die...boulder..." Pietro murmured.

"I see...I'm sorry." Colette sighed, looking at the ground.

"Can you help him?" the woman sniffed.

"I don't have the right healing powers yet..." Raine observed Pietro walk around, like Sheryl put it, a zombie. Pie is better than brains!

"I heard about Master Boltzman's technique. Maybe you can find it in the Tower of Mana." the woman suggested, gleefully using a handkerchief Genis happened to find and was kind enough to hand it to her.

"Ah yes, Master Boltzman." Raine nodded, chewing thoughtfully on a lollipop. (Don't ask me where she got the darn thing. No 'Suck it, bitch!' jokes.)

"If you can help him, I'll tell you how he got out of the ranch."

"Alright. We'll obtain the technique, and return here to help." Raine crunched her lollipop. (How many licks does it take? The world may never know.)

"Okay. Right after he returned from the ranch, Pietro said something about escaping through a vent in front of the ranch. He covered it with a boulder afterwards," the woman said after some thought.

"I see...I did notice that something looked out of place there," Kratos rubbed his chin.

So did I, I mean, it was so blatantly obvious! I even talked to it, and nothing happened. Oh well. Stupid game. I hate you. Except I don't.

"His belongings are in his grave," the waitress nodded, taking Pietro's hand and leading him back to the inn.

There was an orb in Pietro's 'grave', so the group plundered it, 'cuz hey, you never know. It's shiny. Shiny is good.

* * *

Once they arrived at the ranch, sure enough, they found the boulder.

"I'll try pushing it." Lloyd cracked his knuckles and threw himself against it (You know, that term is really weird! How can you throw yourself, ya know?)

And nothing happened.

"Ow," Lloyd rubbed his aching shoulder, "that thing's heavier than I thought."

"What if...?" Genis held out the Desian orb. The boulder seemed to wake up, yawn, and move out of the way.

"Well, I'll be," Lynn blinked, looking inside the vent.

So they sneaked through the vent (it's always a vent) and found themselves in a room occupied by two Desians.

"Hey! Intruder alert!" they yelled, jumping at them. The group easily beat them up and went on.

Raine found a computer and mashed some buttons (at least, that's what it looked like to everyone else) in order to make a map of the ranch appear onscreen.

"This is where Kvar is, if I'm correct," Raine pointed while pushing a few buttons to make a room flash. "It is guarded by two systems, which are located here." More lights!

"So all we need to do is deactivate the systems?" Sheryl nodded.

"Not quite. To access the systems, someone needs to stop the conveyor belt." Raine explained, making another area flash.

"I don't understand that logic," Runic shrugged. "What does a conveyor belt have to do with security systems?"

"Don't ask; this is a video game, fool." (I'm not telling you who said that, but I'm telling you right now it's not Raine)

"Oh. Okay."

An alarm went off, interrupting their conversation.

"They've detected my use of the computer," Raine grumbled, pulling out another lollipop. "We don't have much time. Colette, pick some groups, we're going to have to split up."

"Me?" Colette jumped. "Why not Lloyd instead?"

"Who, me? Why?" Lloyd jumped as well, wondering why someone called his name, because as soon as Raine started talking and gesturing to a computer screen he assumed it was a class lecture out of habit and zoned out.

"Because you're the best at picking groups." Colette smiled.

"Uh, okay."

"I want to free any prisoners here," Lynn stepped up, standing in an unusually brave pose. I mean, she stood up straight and her hair blew in a nonexistent wind. Dude/dood, that is _so_ not her!

I'm skipping the conversation here. Basically, all the girls went to the deactivation team and all the guys went to the infiltration team. Because I'm lazy. Yes, it may be a tad bit sexist, but you know what? Shut up!

So Lloyd and the goofy guy gang (bonus points for alliteration) went into the main room. After a bit of exploring, they found another room, full of shelves and mechanical arms. A few tried to grope Kratos, because even machines think Kratos is sexy.

Lloyd found a machine which looked talk-able.

"SHUT OFF EXSHPERE MAKER?" it asked in a mechanical tone. Lloyd punched the 'yes' button.

"That was easy," Genis merphed.

The messed around with the Sorcerer's Ring in a nearby transformer, which caused the fire beam to get a little larger (awww, jip, that's not any fun)

Using the new Ring, they activated some switches.

"CONVEYOR BELT OFF," another one of the robot voices said.

"Sweet," Runic waved his mace around, hitting Genis on the back of the head (Which is very ow-inducing, ya know?)

After they managed to get Genis back into consciousness, they found a teleporter. Everyone loves teleporters!

But, sadly, the teleporter didn't work.

"I guess the other group hasn't deactivated the systems," Lloyd sighed.

Meanwhile, the lovely, lonely lasses navigated around for the systems.

"The intruders!" a Desian yelled.

"Pwn you!" Lynn lunged her spear through his gut.

"Ow!" the Desian said, and died.

After that rather gruesome scene, the gals went to go take apart some Raybits in order to deactivate the systems. And when I say 'take apart' you know I mean 'blow up to eensy beensy smithereens'.

"The prisoners!" Colette pointed, indicating the people in cages.

"Who are you?" one of the prisoners asked fearfully.

"We're the Chosen's group," Raine announced. "We've come to set you free."

There was a weak cheer from the crowd, happy their saviors had finally come.

Lynn well nigh flew to the back of the room, where, sure enough, there was a small group of yellow-eyed people, asleep. How can they tell they have yellow eyes when they're asleep? Well, hell. I don't know. Oh, oh! There was a sign on their cell door. Yeah. Or something.

"Meitty. Ast gatz, meitty!" she shook the bars of their cage.

"Rein leigal..." the occupants murmured as they woke up. "Taglie! Gai taglo, mot yarra?" they buzzed as they saw Lynn.

"Fei, fei." Lynn waved, calming them. "Sasay...ju batz, gam de lavo 'Elle'?"

The ones in the cage shook their heads.

"Damn," Lynn punched the wall.

"Are you done?" Sheryl piped. "None of us can understand your gibberish."

"Yeah, sure. Let's get the other people out."

Working quickly, the gals broke them all out.

"Are any of you from Palmacosta?" Raine yelled over the hubbub of voices, since all the prisoners were eager to gab to their pals.

"I am!" a guy with a beard raised his hand.

"Do you know Chocolat?" Raine rushed over (the others did as well, but for now she's the main character for now, so we focus on her.)

"Yeah. They did a test on her to see which ranch they would send her to. I believe it was Iselia," the man replied, scratching his noggin.

"Iselia. I see. Thank you. Now please, escape while you can." Raine nodded. She let the other girls herd the people away like sheep, because fun like that was hard to come by. Or maybe cattle! Yeah! Sheryl transformed into a giant water horse so they could ride her and shoot pistols in the air! Yee-haw! Bang bang! Throw hats! Crack whips! Twirl lassos! Avoid the Indians, because they always ruin the fun by wanting to do peace talks.

Back at the teleporter pad...

"Got any threes?"

"Lloyd?"

"What?"

"This is poker."

"Chhhh..." Runic snickered.

"What's so funny!"

"Reminds me of this one time..."

"And?"

"I was playing poker with Tarot cards..."

"Yes?"

"I got a full house and four people died! Haha! Haha. Ha."

"Oh, my."

"Hey guys, the teleporter's on!"

"Oh. Give the cards back to me," Runic grabbed everyone's hands. "Whose chips were they?"

"They were pieces of Raybit. We can leave them here."

The teleporter brought them to a control room, similar to the room where they fought Pig Man. Magnius. Whatever.

**BIG ASS NOTE OF YOU-MUST-READ: I HAVE NOT PLAYED THE FOLLOWING. IF IT IS INNACURATE, THEN YOU KNOW WHY.**

Kvar was chatting with a woman on a projector. The woman was splendidly decorated, so she must have been someone important. I mean, costume designers are lazy, why dress a useless NPC in fancy garb?

"I've found you, Kvar!" Lloyd yelled, pointing a sword at him.

"Ah, this must be Lloyd. I see, he _does _bear resemblance," the woman onscreen arched an eyebrow. Her manner was just...oooh, it made you want to hit something. Especially her. Think Kvar, but in a different way.

"Huh?" Lloyd blurted.

"Don't change the subject, Pronyma! I know you have been stealing information from my Angelus Project!" Kvar shook a fist at her.

"As I have told you countless times, Kvar, I know nothing of it," she waved airily. "I've heard rumors that you've joined Lord Rodyle's plans. That would make you a _very_ bad boy, now."

"Heed my words, Pronyma. When I recover the result of the Angelus Project," Kvar growled, "I'll be the leader of the Five Grand Cardinals, not you. When Lord Yggdrasill receives the Exsphere, you'll be _begging _for my forgiveness. All rumors about me will become but a distant memory."

Kvar switched off the projector and turned to the men (and boys). At that moment, the women (and girls) appeared in the room. How? Magic! Just kidding, they used the teleporter. Ha, had you going for a while! No? Awww.

"What a pleasant surprise," Kvar smiled smugly. "Ready to die?" he pulled out a large rod, summoning three Energy Stones.

"Die!" Lynn leaped.

Kvar simply laughed and shot some lightning at her.

"Ow," Lynn struggled to get up. (Poor girl, keeps getting hit with lighting, ya know?)

"Get rid of the stones first!" Lloyd charged. (Because everyone knows that you have to before going after the main boss!)

"Slaaaay!" Lynn screamed, pouncing on an Energy Stone, dismantling it with her teeth.

"Unchecked aggression much," Runic blinked, slashing at another.

"I'll say. But it makes for great watching!" Sheryl noshed on a creampuff.

"I don't get this," Sheena stared at a handful of popcorn. "Shouldn't we be fighting?"

"There can only be four people in the party," Raine explained, tossing a kernel in her mouth.

"Where'd the popcorn come from?" Sheena nibbled shyly on one.

"Well, hell, don't look at me." (Once again, not telling you who it is, but it's not Raine!)

After much yelling, swearing, biting Energy Stones, having 'see how much popcorn you can fit in your mouth' contests (don't ask), hitting, and blowing shit up

...and even more swearing

Kvar fell. Cue victory poses!

"I finally did it," Lloyd held up his Exsphere. "I've finally avenged you, Mom."

While Lloyd was ish-gloating about his victory, Kvar was crawling toward Lloyd, ready to kill him.

"Lloyd! Look out!" Colette jumped, taking the blow for him.

"Colette!" Lloyd cried, catching her.

Meanwhile, Kratos dashed to Kvar, stabbing him.

"Kratos...you...inferior being!" Kvar choked.

"Feel the pain," Kratos struck Kvar again, "of those inferior beings," he gutted him through the stomach, "as you burn." Kratos sheathed his sword, watching Kvar crumble to the ground, doing that 'I'm so damn badass' pose. Oooh, you sexy beast!

(I have to put that because Seldom told me to. My sexy beast isn't Kratos. I had to put that 'cuz Mr. Frying Pan insisted. And he insists _very_ well! Ehehe...)

"Colette, you're hurt!" Genis worried, seeing the nasty cut on Colette's back.

"I'm fine, really. It actually doesn't hurt. Weird, huh?" Colette laughed uneasily.

"Let me take a look at that..." Raine examined the wound.

Lloyd looked aside nervously, afraid of hiding the truth anymore. (Jukebox: Zero Hour, Noir OST)

"Everyone," he began, jumping when everyone turned, waiting. "I...have something to say."

Colette shook her head against his chest, squeaking fearfully.

"Every time Colette releases a seal...she loses something. First, it was her appetite. Next, it was her ability to sleep. Last, it was her ability to feel." Lloyd explained.

"So..." Lynn was the first to speak up, rubbing her chin, "this whole 'becoming an angel' biz...means she's dying!"

"Losing her humanity," Raine corrected.

"Dying," Lynn interrupted.

"I'm still alive," Colette said gently. "It's okay, Lynn. Please don't worry. I just want everyone to have fun." she patted the upset girl's back.

"Aye," Lynn sighed. "Elle..."

"Hm?"


	15. My Little Pony!

OMG. SO. LATELY I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME? INSTEAD OF JUST WINGING IT?  
AND NOW THE FIC HAS VOICE ACTING IN MY HEAD.  
OH MY FUNK GOD IT'S SO COOL.  
The +5 accuracy check doesn't hurt either.  
IT MAKES ME SAD. THERE WERE A FEW JOKES I COULD HAVE MADE IF I HAD DONE SOME PLAYING A FEW CHAPTERS BACK. EMOEMO.  
But playing my number game makes everything better! (Go go Phantom Brave hoooooe)

Side note: **GM GET ME MORE REVIEWERS YOU LOSER  
**As another note, it seems like the ruler tool is broken, so I'm just going to put a random space because I Said So.

**THIS HERE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A RULER. **

"Let's go back to Luin and let Colette rest." Raine tossed her lollipop stick away over her shoulder.

"I thought Luin died," Sheena said meekly.

"Maybe Asgard would be a wiser choice." Kratos nodded.

"Besides, they have creampuffs there," Sheryl twittered into her hand.

"So, no complaints for Asgard? Alrighty then, let's make some fireworks," Raine jammed some buttons like a frustrated composer with writer's block.

"What's she doing?" Sheena backed away from the Professor, finding more reasons to hate/stay away from her.

Genis tugged at her ribbon to make her lean over so he could whisper in her ear. He said with the flair of sharing a great secret, "She's gonna make this place go boom."

Sheena bristled at this, squealing, "She's going to blow this place up?"

Oh my funk god. Has anyone else noticed I'm making Sheena sorta...outta character?

Oh wait. This is AU. I can do whatever the HELL I WANT.

Which reminds me. I want...

"Oh. Oh my," Colette tried to lift her long, fuzzy ears that flopped on her shoulders.

"Look! I have a tail!" Lloyd wagged a small red pouf.

"What happened to my hair!" Sheena pushed away brown bangs that draped over her right eye now instead of her left, and found that her fur was oh so soft - so she fell to touching - no, petting - uh, stroking - caressing?

Geez no matter how I phrase it it's going to sound wrong. Anyway!

"Dude. I have glasses now," Genis poked the end of his nose - er, beak. "And check out this book I'm holding," he held up a giant tome that radiated omgoverpoweredness. Well, that's Phantom Brave for you!

"This is certainly interesting," Raine studied her red set of claws. "And how very sudden."

"Ow," Runic said for no reason. I mean, he and the OCs were untouched.

"Jip," Sheryl pouted. "I wanted to see what would happen to me."

"This is just stupid," Kratos declared, with an indignant _twitch_ of his fuzzy grey ears.

And thus, reluctantly, the author took an eraser and wiped all their extra features away, and Kratos' mouth for good measure in case she wanted to do something nuts again. For he was the only thing stopping her you know.

Kratos flailed a bit, trying to find his mouth again.

"If I didn't know he would kick my ass for saying this, I would totally say that is the funniest thing in the world," Sheryl giggled at Kratos' predicament.

"But you just did," Lynn blinked.

"Oh," Sheryl realized, and with that took a mallet and hit herself on the head. And had her ass kicked by Kratos. Poor lass.

"How very nice of the Ranch to wait until we were done messing around before starting the countdown," Runic remarked oh-so-offhandedly.

"I know," the Ranch glowed with happiness. "Ahem! Self-Destruction sequence initiated. T-minus ninety seconds. Please evacuate immediately."

So they all remembered their lives were in great peril and skipped away. Yep, they skipped. For when you're on the border of death, you just wanna be happy! I know I would. Gosh.

So. Ohmillamas. As soon as they left. That evil freaky guy? Oh yeah. He came back. Uh-huh.

"Thank you so much for helping me, Kvar," he cackled. "I believe you won't be needing your research for the Angelus Project. So I hope you don't mind if I take the data now - oh, that's right, you can't hear me anymore, can you? Ha ha ha!"

Poor Kvar. I mean. Serves him right.

"I really wish you could have come see me at another time," the Ranch called out as they (the hero dudes) left. "I'm really a nice building if it wasn't for the slavery and all the other bad things going on."

"We're terribly sorry for the exploding business!" Sheryl cried back.

"It can't be helped," the Ranch said, and then went kaboom.

(Yay Asgard is a nice place! We all love Asgard.)

"I can't believe this!" Sheena roared, throwing a pillow at the wall. "Not being able to eat the foods you like, sleep when you're tired, cry when you're sad, or even feel the warmth of someone's hand when they hold yours..."

"Ow!" Lynn squeaked, being the pillow that Sheena threw.

"Everything will be fine," Colette reassured the ninja on a rampage (who was terrorizing golden-eyed pillows everywhere)

"So stop bothering her," Runic said from the darkness, where he as almost completely hidden. Remember when I said he was pale in Chapter 3? Well, that was a lie. He has dark skin. So there.

Lala I'm skipping the meeting with the Fake Chosen. Why? Because I hate them.

"So," Raine turned to Sheena. "We're going to the Tower of Mana next. Are you coming along?"

"Hold on," the kunoichi fiddled with some tiles. "I almost had it."

"Take that piece," Sheryl pointed.

"That one's different. Has one more dot."

"Take it anyway!"

"That's cheating."

"...

So?"

"I give up," Sheena huffed, scattering the small pile of tiles. "Let's go."

So on they went to the Tower of Mana! And the Tower was huge, and...gosh I can't describe it.

What, Mr. Script? Hima? Ohyea. How dumb of me.

"Hm? Sounds like something's going on in front of the inn," Lloyd remarked.

"A fight of some sort?" Sheryl blinked, making a wet _plink_ sound. But I'm not sure whether the blink caused it or _something else_. Oooh.

Turns out Clara was causing some mischief over there! Ohnoes.

And people were trying to kill her. Double noes.

"Finish it off!" the gang leader dood person said.

"No! Stop!" Colette put her hands out and blocked their way. Clara tromped past her while the hunters where distracted (but no "Later, losers" because that's rude)

"Dang it! Thanks to you, our prey got away!" The man growled.

"Prey? You were going to eat that thing?" Runic snorted.

"After it!" the mob charged on.

"You okay?" Lloyd turned to Colette.

Genis, with his +5 to all Awareness checks, noticed something shiny in the dirt where Clara stomped through.

"I think Clara just dropped this," Genis held up the whachamacallit.

"This is...the key to the Tower of Mana!" Raine held it up so the chilluns could be like, oooh, shiny.

**ACCESS TO THE TOWER OF MANA GRANTED  
GOOD FOR YOU**

"Now we can get inside!" Lloyd cheered.

"Tomorrow. Let's rest here for tonight." Raine suggested, which was welcomed by all.

But before bedtime, the people went to the big hill to be all like, oooh, pretty.

"Wow, it looks so close now." Genis sighed.

"Yeah. How will we get there?" Lloyd asked.

"Maybe we can wing our way there," Lynn squinted, shielding her eyes with her hand.

"Are you saying that Colette will carry us all there?"

"No, ya nerd! We'll...never mind!"

A man was scouring the area, nodding to himself. The group of chitlins turned to look.

"Hmm, yes. This place will be perfect!" he gushed.

"Fatso," Sheryl snorted softly.

"What are you doing?" Lloyd asked.

"Oh! Hello! I'm planning on putting my Dragon Tours up here!" the man laughed.

"Dragons...?" Runic asked, for conformation, ya know.

"People can use the dragons to fly up close to the Tower of Salvation! No one else can do that!" the man laughed again. "They'll be ready soon. I just need to bring my dragons up here."

And then he left.

"Stupid laugh-crazy fatso!" Sheryl shook her fist at him as he left. "Ooooh, I hate you! You, and your...dragons of stupidity!"

"Why? He didn't do anything to you," Colette pointed out.

"So what? I still hate him," Sheryl growled. "And who'd want to ride his dumb dragons?"

"Hey mister! I'll be waiting for you!"

"Oh. Lloyd. Of _course_," the water-gal steamed.

"Don't evaporate, now," Runic put a pot on her head. "At least we won't need a stove anymore."

"What's that?" Genis indicated Mr. Pot.

"A little something," Runic took the lid off, peering inside.

"Smells like soup," Lynn sniffed.

"In fact, it is," Runic beamed as he took off the well-cooked concoction off his sister's head. "A special Grave specialty! All done."

"So you're saying Sheryl made it?" Lloyd took a step forward.

"Actually, I can't do it. Then again, I'm generally incompetent," Sheryl said with mind-blowing honesty.

"So that's Runic's," Genis realized.

"Yes, it is," the young man (because I'm tired of using first names) pouted. "Got a problem with that?"

"Oh my," Colette spied a tentacle that snaked out.

"I thought you said it was _well-cooked_!" Lloyd turned to the author.

"I did. And it is. But it's still alive," Urby adjusted her cap boredly. "I mean. Y'all know Runie's a terrible cook. Ya _nerds_."

And so the Iselia Three (plus Lynn) ran away! Push L1 and R1...wait since this is the English version, it's Gamecube.

But I'm adding the PS2 costumes.

OH WHATEVER. SHUT UP MISTER SCRIPT I DON'T CARE RIGHT NOW. ANY-WAY...

**MAKE GO STEP ON THE PRESS BUTTON _PURIFY WEIRD SOUL!_**

Add more exclamation points because won't let me.

"Did someone say 'Purify Weird Soul'?" an angel-lady dressed in Norse clothing asked.

"Uh, no," Lynn peeped from behind Lloyd.

Okaysoanywaythenextdaywhee.

Raine dashed up the stairs to the entrance of the Tower of Mana. Dude that was too many 'the's.

"This is the Tower of Mana, made to look upon the Tower of Salvation," she explained, touching the stone walls. "A town used to surround the building, but one day monsters appeared, and it was abandoned."

"Why's everyone here so scared of monsters?" Lynn huffed.

"Because monsters are bad," Sheryl volunteered.

"Then what's that?" Lynn pointed at Noishe.

"A dog!" Lloyd stood up for his pet.

(Whine.)

"Everyone 'here' you say?" Runic arced an eyebrow.

"Um."

"Unlock the door ya nerds," Urby waved a pencil around.

So LALA they DID. Oh, MY gosh.

There were rows upon rows of bookcases, which Raine promptly started investigating.

"This contains years worth of knowledge!" Raine grinned as she stroked the worn bindings. "What's this? Autumn Nights?"

"There's no oracle stone," Lloyd remarked, looking around.

"Hmmm," Raine spied glowing circles on the floor. "Runic, Sheryl, step on those two pads over there."

"But but! That's probably magitechnology or something! I might break it."

"And...how would you do that?"

"I don' know, but it might happen!"

"Fine, Lynn, go."

"Yeesh."

Raine stepped on a third pad and the oracle stone appeared. Colette put her hand on it and a door somewhere around there opened.

"Oooh!" Lynn leaped, only to be caught halfway in the door.

"Ow," she grunted, flailing her legs around. "You there! Get me out!"

Urby was busy looking at the books though and so she couldn't use her super author powers to do anything. So instead they had Genis step on the pad to make the door open again.

"Looks like three people will have to stay behind," Raine flipped through the volume of Autumn Nights she had procured. "Hmmm. Hmmm! Aha. Very nice!"

"Is it just me, or does Raine have a split personality?" Sheena backed away.

"Sometimes, but she has a really good heart!" Genis frowned. "She gets really wrapped up in her books though, and there's a few she won't let me read..."

So they left Raine (who was busy reading) Sheryl (who, gasp! didn't break anything) and Kratos on the pads. Who needs healers anyway? Bah. With my super author powers,

"I'll protect y'all!" Urby finished.

Holy crap! I can talk

"In two different ways," Urby waved her arms around, beaming.

"Please don't, though, it hurts my head," Lloyd rubbed his eyes.

Oh fine whatever. I'll talk in detached god mode. Anyway.

So everyone went up the stairs. Wait no. EVEN BETTER. THEY RAN! LIKE KNIGHTS OF THE ZODIAC.

Dakishimeta! Kokoro no kosumo...  
Atsuku, moyase, kiseki wo! Okose!  
Kizutsuita...mama ja inai to...  
Chikai atta, haruka na ginga...!  
PEGASASU FANTAJI - sou sa yume dake wa  
Daremo mo ubaenai kokoro no tsubasa dakara...  
SAIN' Seiya! Shounen wa minna...!  
SAIN' Seiya! Ashita no yuusha! Oh yeah!  
SAIN' Seiya! PEGASASU no you ni...!  
SAIN' Seiya! Ima koso! Habatake...!

"That was a brilliant waste of my life," Runic panted as he ran.

Oh shut up you. Don't make me erase your mouth like I did Kratos.

So they did the annoying light puzzle blah blah blah.

"What's this?" Lloyd poked a sort-of teleporter on the ground.

A fuzzy version of Raine appeared a few feet off the floor.

"Wow! Professor! What are you doing there?" Lloyd jumped.

"Lloyd! Can you see me? Can you hear me?" Raine flailed her hands. "A door down here opened too. We'll meet you up there. Wait for us."

So Raine led the healer dudes around bla blah.

After doing some light puzzles and revealing a warp pad they contacted the main group via another projector.

"Lloyd! Can you hear me?" she yelled, trying to get the attention of the others, who were...taking a nap.

"But I didn't take the cookies," Lynn yawned.

"What do you mean murder...it was righteous killing," Runic snored.

"Indigu-nation! Jagimento!" Genis flailed around in his sleep.

"Wah, tomatoes!" Lloyd shivered.

"Wake up!" Raine screamed through the projector. "Oooh!"

Psst. Smack them with the book.

So Raine went totally wah-chau on everyone with her copy of Autumn Nights. How is that possible? Pshh. Everyone knows that Autumn Nights is all-powerful.

"What is it, prof?" Lloyd rubbed his head.

"Meet us up here!" Raine said before the projector flicked off.

So lala. The group quickjumped (because I Said So) and stepped on the warp.

"Just wondering, what's the current party?" Sheryl raised her hand.

"Um," Lloyd stopped. "Colette, Sheena, Lynn, and Sheryl...I think..."

"Wasn't I out of the party for a while? How did I get back in so fast?"

I cheated. So there.

So the estrogen-packed party charged up the stairs - oh wait never mind teleporter. Whoops.

The altar flashed, revealing a huge winged horse being. Rearing up, it charged at the femmes. Oh, how rude! Treating those lovely ladies like that.

But instead of squealing in delight about their very own pony pal, the gals beat it up.

"Chosen One, offer your prayers..." The Voice boomed. Then there was a high-pitched screech noise and some 'the mic is broke!' voices from Above. But we're ignoring that.

Colette folded her hands and took to the air, meeting Remiel who was just you know...flap flap and all that stupid stuff.

"Well done, Colette. You have done well to get this far. The time has come," Remiel announced. "The time to journey to the Tower of Salvation! I'll be waiting for you at the final seal, my beloved daughter, Colette!" and shinies and boosh and he was gone. Colette learned Sacrifice but we love her too much to let her use that. Yes we do.

Colette landed in silence, returning to the group.

"The time has finally come to unlock the final seal." Lloyd looked at the ground.

"That means the world regeneration journey will finally come to an end." Genis looked up at the sky.

Before they left, Raine did another pilfer-search and found the Bolzman's Book. Good job.

So, everyone exited the Tower...and Colette fell just like all them other times.

"Professor! Colette's sick again!" Lloyd yelled, rushing to her side.

"Uh…uhn?" Colette choked.

"Colette?" Lloyd said, worry furrowing his brow.

"I believe that Colette's lost her voice now." Kratos said.

What, Mr. Script?

I erased his mouth so he can't talk?

Oh yeah. I did. (That's what I get for writing in chunks!)

He uses sign language. There.

"Lost...her voice?" Genis asked, worry also messing with his face.

"Ahm, mah," Colette coughed, trying to get words out.

Deciding there wasn't much to be done (and they were tired, besides) they set up camp.

"What's up, Sheena?" Genis asked in his sorta-sneary sorta-nasal stuck-up way when he's being smart-alecky or annoyed. Lots of hyphens!

"What?" Sheena shot back.

"You're all twitchy and stuff," Genis narrowed his eyes. He notices this because his +5 bonus, remember.

Sheena snorted and looked aside. After a bit of thought, she stood up, announcing, "Everyone, I have something to say..."

Everybody (except Kratos because he's an emo dude) turned. "I want you all to know why I was trying to kill the Chosen."

"Is it about this 'other world'?" Raine clapped her book shut, doing the Sage trademark eye-arch which starts now. Runic can't do it, he's just a poser.

"How did you know?" Sheena gawped in surprise.

"You've spoke of it before, by accident in the Balacruf Mausoleum," Raine gestured.

"Yeah. I'm from another world. It's called Tethe'alla." Sheena closed her eyes.

"Tethe'alla? You mean the moon?" Genis pointed outrageously. To what, you have to ask? THE TREE THEY WERE LEANING ON. No really. The moon, you idiot.

"Bah," a guy sitting in the shadows chewed on a blade of grass, using his wide-brimmed hat to hide his silver hair. Tattoos on his face could barely be made out in the firelight. "Back in _my_ place, both Sylvarant _and_ Tethe'alla are moons..."

"Who're you?" Genis turned.

"Shoo," Sheryl swept him out with a broom. "Seriously, you're supposed to be in the future."

So Mr. Mysterious Silver Hair Hat Man was defeated utterly with Sheryl's broom of defeating-ness. Not to be confused with the Deck Brush, which is a whole different brand of tequila.

"No, my world's not on the moon." Sheena laughed, seaming the conversation back together. "It's right next to Sylvarant. Only, the two worlds can't see or touch each other. They're still there, though."

"How did you get here then?" Lynn asked.

"I passed the seemingly impassable barrier. I was sent to kill the Chosen, since both worlds vie for the little mana they have." Sheena explained. "Right now, all of Sylvarant's mana is flowing to Tethe'alla. Thus, Tethe'alla is prospering."

"And the process of world regeneration reverses this?" Raine played with the bookmark she was using.

"Yes. Like an hourglass," Sheena nodded. "I was sent to kill Colette to keep Tethe'alla from being destroyed."

Colette turned to Sheena with a hurt look in her eyes.

"Please don't look at me like that, Colette," Sheena shook her head, backing up. "I came here, and it was worse than I thought. I wish there was a way to save both Tethe'alla and Sylvarant..."

There was a camera flash which confused everyone for a moment, but they rejoined their normal activities...

After a beat, our smart Chosen had an idea and took Lloyd's hand.

"What are you doing, Colette?" Lloyd wondered, trying not to laugh with her tickling his hand. Then - revelation! He figured out what she was trying to do.

"R...E, M...I... 'I'll ask Remiel if there's a way to save both worlds'? Is that what you're trying to say?" Lloyd looked up. Colette nodded.

"If someone knows about World Regeneration things, it's gotta be Remiel, right?" Sheryl piped.

"Colette...if there isn't another way," Sheena said solemnly, "I'll have to kill you after all."

"Sheena!" Genis gasped.

"'I will fight back...because I love Sylvarant too,'" Lloyd read off of Colette's scribbles. Sheena nodded in understanding.

With that said, they retired.

Even Urby, so that means this chapter is over!


	16. Evaporation Alert!

GM. You stupid person. I don't need help with battle scenes. They're stupid because the entire story is stupid. The End.

And co-ed battles give me nosebleeds. **OH NOE COLETTE IS HURT QUICK LLOYD GIVE HER YOUR HEALING LOVE**. rainedoesn'texist

* * *

So the party marched out to the sunset! 

What, Mr. Script...? Lake Umacy? Oh fine.

"What a pretty lake," Runic said.

What, Mr. Script...?

...Really.

...Oh shut up. It stays.

"So here I am stuck saying something very Out of Character," Runic sighed.

Diana squawked grumpily.

"What's that?" Lynn pointed to an object submerged in the lake.

"Let's see," Genis molded Sheryl into a pair of binoculars. "It looks like...a unicorn!"

"You still have unicorns on this side?" Sheena asked, with a hint of excitement.

"What do you mean by that?" Raine raised an eyebrow.

"Nothing...forget I said anything."

"Let's swim down to help it," Lloyd splashed about in the shallows.

"We can't possibly hold our breath that long, Lloyd," Genis threw a rock into the lake.

"What about Sheryl?"

"I'm not that strong. Can _you_ lift a horse?"

"Maybe you can make a water spout or something - shoot it up into the air..."

"And damage such a creature? No thanks!"

"We could summon Undine, who exists somewhere in this world, to control the water's mana." Sheena suggested.

"A Summoner? You?" Lynn gawked.

"Yes, in fact. I just need to form a pact with Undine, and we can supply the lake with mana to help the unicorn." Sheena nodded.

"Wooosh!" Lynn said in amazement.

"So back to Thoda Geyser we go!" Sheryl bounded, shooting herself like a water missile. You know, like those Capri Sun commercials. That I hate. Because they are disgusting. Eeew. (The drink, not the commercials)

And magical warp time!

"Okay," Sheena rubbed her hands together as the group stood in front of the altar. "This is it..!"

"Only two periods, Sheena?" Runic held up the script. "Hello. Three."

"I haven't had time to look at the script! I just joined!"

"..."

"Say something, Runic," Sheryl tugged his sleeve. "Ellipses are for chumps."

"Blah."

"That's better."

As Sheena approached the altar, a shining blue light twirled around from Elsewhere. It shimmered until it flashed brightly (giving a few people playing the game seizures) and in its place was a water lady with flowing purple hair.

"Do I know you?" she remarked, directing her comment at Sheryl, who, if it wasn't for the not-purple-hair-ness, would have been almost like a daughter.

Sheryl had hidden herself inside a jar and hopped into Sheena's sash, however.

"What's your problem?" Sheena asked.

"Hush!" the water girl hissed. "I owe her money!"

"You who possess the right of the pact," Undine continued, "I am one who is bound to Mithos."

"Mithos the Hero formed pacts?" Lloyd wondered.

"It could have been Mithos anyone," Raine pointed out.

"Guys, what do I do now?" Sheena backed up. "The institute didn't tell me what to do if the Summon Spirit already has a pact!"

"And we're supposed to know?" Genis snorted.

"_Script_," Runic said through clenched teeth, holding it up.

The group huddled and tried to sort through the huge wad of paper.

"Ask...if she can...nullify the previous pact!" Lloyd tried to say without looking at it (he failed).

"Really?" Sheena raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. You could do that." Kratos signed without looking at the script (because he's l33t, man!). Bah fine have your mouth back. 'Signed' doesn't have any synonyms and I'm a Nazi for those.

"Really?" Sheryl peeked out from el sash.

"If the previous pact-maker has broken his vow or...already passed away, you could nullify the original pact. But, if the former pact-maker hasn't broken the vow and is still alive, there's nothing we can do," Kratos explained.

"I'll try that out," Sheena faced Undine, clearing her throat.

"I ask that thou annulst thy pact with Mithos," she coughed to try and regain her composure. "...And establish a new pact...with...me..."

"Alright. Draw your weapons," Undine formed a sword and pointed it at Sheena.

"Ack," Sheena gulped.

"Whee! We get to fight water spirits in this world!" Lynn clapped.

"Don't look at me," Sheryl squished.

"I must test thy worthiness as a pact-maker," Undine lunged.

"Crap the party isn't formed for bosses," Genis-with-no-TP acked.

"Whatever shall we do!" Lynn-with-no-TP wailed. Because she's nothing without her TP. She's one of those berserker Techie types, yeah.

"Don't look at me," Sheryl squeegeed.

Well okay they won anyway lala. THANKS TO MY ULTIMATE AUTHOR POWERZ. BELIEVE IT/Naruto

"Impressive," Undine nodded. "Now, state the vow upon which our pact is based."

Sheena took a moment to compose her thoughts.

"At this very moment, people are suffering," she closed her eyes. "I vow to save those people."

"Very well. Accept my power." Undine melted into Sheena.

"I love the special effects in this world!" Lynn gushed.

"That was so cool!" Genis leaped.

"I knew you could do it, Sheena!" Colette smiled.

"Uh...you okay?" Sheryl peeked up from the sash.

"I...I...really need to go to the bathroom!" Sheena dashed away.

_Zip boing zoom._

"Interesting," Raine observed. "Apparently, the pact with a water spirit caused - "

"Her to fill up with water?" Sheryl blinked. "I'd hate to see her catch fire when we meet Efreet."

"Would she turn to stone for earth or fly away for wind?" Lynn pondered. "Or will she fill up with wind...oh my, that's bad gas."

So lala they left except the two old people ya.

"You have an impressive knowledge of Summon Spirits." Raine arched an eyebrow.

"Well...I had an acquaintance who knew a lot about Summon Spirits." Kratos shrugged.

After that foreshadowing clue thing, they met the others.

"Let's go to Lace Umacy now," Lloyd drew a silly doodle of a unicorn in the sand outside.

"I still don't get how Undine could do it in a way I can't," Sheryl blinked furiously, her thinking freezing her in place with a sort of angry expression.

"She's better than you, older," Runic offered.

"Geez, you make it sound so stupid."

"Um."

"You're saying I'm useless? Is that it? Huh? Right? Put 'em up," Sheryl bounced around with her fists up, pouting with determination.

"This is your brother you're talking to," Runic arched in eyebrow, gaining him a poser point.

"Oh yeah," Sheryl realized, and with that took a mallet and hit herself on the head.

At the pretty lake!

"So now we can save the unicorn, right?" Sheryl peered into the clearness of the water. "Oooh! A fish!"

"Yes," Sheena gazed out onto the surface.

"I wanna go out to the lake to see the unicorn!" Lloyd jumped.

"Lloyd, only maidens can approach the unicorn," Raine reasoned.

"Don't they have to be pure, too?" Lynn turned.

"Yes, that too," Raine nodded. "Thank you for mentioning that. So Colette, Lynn, and Sheryl should be okay."

"What about me? Am I not qualified?" Sheena barked.

"Qualified?" The innocenter members repeated.

"You don't have to all say it at once..." Sheena poked her fingers together.

"Fine..."

"Bitch," Sheena murmured under her breath as she readied her summon.

"I heard that," Raine said with an indignant flick of her ear.

"That could be a compliment," Runic shifted his weight to one leg.

"I call upon the maiden of the mist," Sheena recited as a circle glowed underneath her. "I summon thee: come, Undine!"

Undine popped in with a rubber duck in her hand.

"What is it?" Undine blinked, blinked at the duck, and threw it over her shoulder into the lake. Sheryl, fond of all things duck and rubbery, caught it before it could cause a ripple.

"Undine, please help that unicorn!" Sheena pointed to the trapped beast. Undine gazed down and raised her arms up, forming a bubble around the unicorn. The bubble rose to the surface and the unicorn awoke, rearing up impressively.

Unfortunately this rearing caused it to fall over, but never fear! It got up again. Good show.

"Go to it," Undine nodded.

Colette, Sheryl, Sheena, and Lynn strode boldly out!

"What about you, Raine?" Genis asked as the femmes walked on the water.

"I can't go," Raine sighed.

"Why?"

"Because...I'm an adult."

"Oh, scandalous," Runic twigged.

Diana pulled on his hair.

"Owwww..."

The unicorn sniffed the air as the girls approached.

"Martel?" it ventured.

"No," Sheena shook her head. "This is Colette, and I am Sheena. The ones behind us are Sheryl and Lynn."

"No, you must be Martel. Even in my blindness, I can sense your illness. You _must_ be Martel," the unicorn approached. "And the others...you brought the others as well."

"No," Lynn tried to be firm but kinda floundered in front of such a noble beast. "That's Colette, the Chosen One."

"Oh, so you're the Chosen One," the unicorn nodded slowly. "I see. Then use my horn, and heal your sickness."

The horn on its head glowed and floated over to Colette. Slowly, the unicorn began to disappear.

"Wait! Where are you going?" Sheryl cried.

"When a unicorn loses its horn, it dies. Our horns are our very lives," the unicorn explained as he faded a little more. "Do not be sad. For when I die, another unicorn is born. Thus, I shall never die."

And that said, the unicorn wasted away.

The girls came back crying. At least, those who could. Sheryl would be weird, it's like...it's like she'd be bleeding. I think.

"What happened to the unicorn?" Lloyd asked.

"It gave you its horn and died, didn't it?" Kratos said in his 'this world is so stupid' tone.

"It died and now it's gone," Sheryl scrubbed at her eyes.

"It was so pretty," Lynn sniffed and blew her nose on Runic's cape.

"Never fails. I just washed this thing," Runic held up his drenched cape with a sad irkedness.

Colette handed the horn to Raine.

"This should enable me to use new healing techniques," Raine touched the smooth surface.

"Equip it! It's the best staff in the game!" a blonde-haired cleric four-year-old-whispered. You know, the kind you hear across rooms.

"It's a Key Item..."

"Oh, darn it!" the cleric gal snapped her fingers and trundled away.

Law law Hima...

"Sophia! We can help Pietro now!" Sheena called.

"Really?" the woman clapped her hands together. "Please, help him now!"

So the people surrounded the bed Pietro was like dead on and Raine went all "Resurrection!" and happiness! He got better!

"Whoa," Pietro rubbed his head. "Did...did I escape the ranch?"

"Are you saying this place looks like a ranch?" Sheryl piped.

"Sheena, she helped you!" Sophia bounced around.

"Don't thank me," Sheena scratched her cheek with a finger. "It was Raine here that really helped you."

"Thank you, everyone!" Pietro stood up and stretched. "I escaped because I have something very important to tell the Chosen."

"Then tell it to her," Genis pointed at our cute little Colette. MmmZelos quoting.

"The Desians are planning to do something horrible," Pietro explained. "They're building something called a Mana Cannon."

"The Mana Cannon? You mean, Thor's Hammer?" Kratos held out his hand like he does every time he talks.

"I don't know. I just overheard them talking about it. I escaped to Luin, that's all I remember," Pietro popped his fingers.

"Doesn't that cause cancer?"

"Arthritis, Sher."

"Oh okay!"

"Luin's destroyed now," Lloyd looked out the window.

"Destroyed...?" Pietro's face fell. "It's...all my fault..."

"It's always your fault," Runic looked at his nails.

"I swear, I'll restore Luin to its former glory!" Pietro vowed, going outside.

Unfortunately, he chose to go outside by the window, and being on the second floor, the splat that was heard was quite amusing.

So the peoples went outside to decide what to do next.

"All we need to do now is go to the Tower of Salvation, right?" Lynn tipped her head.

"Yes, but we need to get there and that's the problem," Genis rubbed his chin.

"The dragons!" Lloyd burst.

"Oh yeah, those...stupid dragons of idiocy! Oooh!" Sheryl bounced about, turning red at the thought.

"Evaporation alert!" Runic put on a firefighter's hat and let loose a hose on her. "Calm down!"

"Whee," Sheryl melted.

"You have the weirdest sister ever," Genis arched an eyebrow.

"Yours is weirder," Runic said while pulling the firefighter's hat off.

"Is not!"

"Is too."

"Not!"

"Is."

"**Over**," Kratos boomed. The argument died. No funerals.

"What about Clara?" Colette wrote on Lloyd's hand which he read aloud.

"We'll help the poor woman the next time we see her," Kratos nodded.

Run up the hill hooooooe

"Hey! Is your tour ready yet?" Lloyd panted.

"Oh, it's you again! Yes. I just need to bring the dragons," the man rubbed his hands together.

"Rrrrr..." Sheryl bottled herself so she wouldn't have to see the guy.

"We'd like to ride them," Raine said.

"Great! As a special first customer discount, you'll only pay 6000 gald!" the man beamed, spreading his hands out.

"6000 gald? That's expensive! Now we'll never get to the Tower of Salvation, and Colette can't regenerate the world!" Genis whined.

"What? You're the Chosen's group? Put that money away!" the man cried.

"But we never took it out..." Genis blinked.

"You can all ride for free! I'll bring my best dragons. Let's see...eight people...I'll need four dragons!" the man counted. "Please wait until tomorrow. I'll meet you up here!"

And he bumbled away.

"Looks like we'll have to stay the night," Raine sighed. "Everyone, you can look around, but don't leave Hima. Understood?"

Everybody pinky promised and wandered about.

Since you should know what happens when you talk to the peoples I'm doing the OCs and Colette because **WE LOVE HER OKAY**.

"What happens when the world regenerates?" Lynn asked.

"Well, the land becomes green again, and the Desians disappear."

"So it's happily ever after?"

"I guess."

"Except for...you know."

"What?"

"The Chosen. They like...die, right?"

"They become angels and go to heaven. They don't really...die," Lloyd rubbed the back of his head.

"I...I see. Then it is...it is a happily ever after."

Lala Runic

"There's still so much to be done."

"What do you mean?"

"The journey doesn't end when Colette regenerates this world. There's going to be advances everywhere, and they may be steps in the wrong direction. And then there's that Tethe'alla place..."

"We're going to have to take care of that place too."

"Heh, I thought so. You've got a long road ahead of you, Lloyd. You mustn't get discoura...what am I saying..."

"What?"

"Go...go hit your head against a wall or something."

Ohlookit'sSheryl

"Lloyd, are you having fun?"

"Fun? Uh, yeah, I guess."

"It's very important to have fun. If you look back on your life and it wasn't fun, then you haven't lived at all."

"But there are parts in life that are necessary but aren't so fun, right?"

"Silly Lloyd. You just have to turn things around so they _are_ fun. Don't give up!"

Lloyd found Colette near the inn, staring into space.

"Colette, can I talk to you for a sec?"

She nodded.

"Let's go to the mountain, okay?"

The view was amazing. The tower pointed up into the sky and it made you dizzy just thinking about how big it was.

"I can't believe we're going to the Tower of Salvation tomorrow!" Lloyd stretched, dangling his legs over the hill.

_It is weird isn't it?_ Colette wrote.

"What is?"

_That...here I am in the end, and I can't even talk._

Lloyd gave her a sincere look. "No, it's not weird! No matter what happens to you, you're still you."

She smiled sadly.

"I'm...sorry I never finished your present. I kept thinking there was still time. Here we are at the end, and I still haven't finished it yet," Lloyd chuckled weakly.

_I'll keep waiting. Even after I become an angel, I'll keep waiting. Because you're my friend._

"Thanks...

Are you nervous about this?"

She paused.

_...Sometimes when I think about it, I get scared._

"Yeah, I would too."

_But when I regenerate the world, my life will spread all over the world. When I think about it that way, I'm not so scared anymore._

Lloyd got up. "Let's go back to the inn. It's getting chilly out here."

Colette's face twitched sadly.

"Oh right. You can't feel it..."

She gave him one last look and left him on the hilltop. He found himself reaching out for her, regretting what he said. HAW DUMPED.

The next morning...

Lloyd awoke after hearing the door creak.

"Was that Kratos just now?"

"Yeh," Lynn scratched her ear. "Mornin'..." she yawned, mouth gaping. "Ow."

The mercenary was talking to Noishe, who seemed very upset.

"You'll have to keep taking care of Lloyd for me," the man patted the dog. As he was talking to the thing, the blue-haired cape guy from the Triet Base appeared! I think. Looking back I forgot to stick him in. Whoops. Anyway he was charging up an attack and it looked scary and ow-inducing!

"Kratos, look out!" Lloyd called, who turned around and slashed at the man.

The mysterious cape dude vanished after owing a bit.

"Who was that? He looked a little familiar," Lloyd asked.

"An assassin, I would assume." Kratos dusted his armor, sheathing his sword. He looked up.

"Lloyd..."

"Yeah?"

"Don't die."

"Huh? What does that mean?"

"Don't worry about it. Let's go back to the inn. I'm sure everyone's awake now," Kratos left him behind.

"'Don't worry about it'? How can I not worry when he says something like that?" Lloyd snorted.

* * *

I want you to pay very close attention to what the OCs say at Hima. If you look hard enough, you'll find out things about them. Or they give you things to think about. What Sheryl said something smart? Gaspor. 


	17. Batmobiles? Wait, Rhieards

The group met outside the inn.

"Well, it's time," Raine cleared her throat. "Is everyone ready?"

"No," Sheryl said just to annoy everyone.

Ignoring her, the group marched up to the hill where four lovely blue dragons preened.

"I've been waiting for you...what's this? You got an extra member?" the dragon man asked.

"What, you didn't count me before?"

"I'm afraid I didn't see you..."

"Then you're a loser."

"Don't worry, you can bottle me," Sheryl offered. "Then you can take my seat."

"Jolly good," She adjusted her cap.

"Please board the dragons in twos. And...I heard there are monsters there, so if you could please...my cute little dragons..."

Raine nodded. "We'll return your dragons once we reach the Tower of Salvation."

"Perfect! Thank you."

"I'll ride with the Chosen. It is my duty...to protect her." Kratos shook his armor a bit.

"Alright. Lloyd, who will you ride with?" Genis asked.

"Er."

"I'm with Sheena, mmkay?"

"Why me?"

"Colette got took, man."

"I'll go with Genis," Lloyd decided.

"AND STICK ME WITH THAT WOMAN?" Runic pointed.

"Chin up," Sheryl piped. "I'll be with you! So cheer up, please."

Diana tweedled.

"No," Runic pouted, going into emo mode.

"This is it," Lloyd gulped as the dragons waddled to the edge of the hill and leaped off. "I don't see why we have to be the last ones..."

"I think I'm going to be sick," Genis squeezed Lloyd's middle section.

"Whoa!" the two gasped as the dragon hopped off and fell majestically. After a sickening moment of pure falling the dragon spread its wings and soared upward.

"Good-bye," Genis croaked, leaning to one side.

"Huh?" Lloyd turned just in time to see the little one part with his breakfast.

The dragon swooped down to catch what Genis had left.

"Now I'm _definitely_ going to be sick."

Eventually the dragons reached the tower, floating down and sliding everyone off their back before winging away.

"Where are Kratos and Colette?" Lloyd asked, seeing the door already open. I DON'T HAVE TO WRITE ANYTHING ABOUT AN ORACLE STONE. WIN.

"It looks like they already entered. Let's go."

Inside, there was a bridge leading to a teleport pad. Everything was green, except odd white coffin like objects that floated in spirals.

"What are those? Are they...dead bodies?" Genis recoiled.

"I'm scared," Lynn whimpered. "It's just...just like..."

"They look like steps to heaven," Sheryl said firmly, not wanting to believe they were corpses.

"...Why are all these bodies here?" Lloyd shivered.

"Maybe they're the corpses of Chosen who have failed, or...never mind. Let's hurry!" Raine dashed away. Everyone followed close behind.

The pad brought everyone to a huge room with an equally awesome altar.

"Colette!" Lloyd shouted, seeing her praying on the altar. Remiel floated down, lighting on it with unnatural grace.

"Well done, Chosen One! The world will finally be regenerated!" Remiel praised, spreading his arms out.

"He sounds different," Runic spread his weight out to get into a better fighting position. "This is bad."

"Lord Remiel," Raine spoke up. "We've heard of another world called Tethe'alla. Is there a way to save both worlds?"

"How did you hear about it?" Remiel glared. "...It's none of your business."

"So there are two worlds," Raine snorted, glaring back. Glare war hooooooe

"The only way both worlds can be saved is if the Chosen herself wants it done," Remiel tossed over a wing.

"Uh!" Colette gasped, opening her eyes.

"What? You want to help both worlds?" Remiel's lips tugged a bit. Colette spread her wings, casting a pink glow on the ground.

"Where's Colette going?" Genis tugged on Raine's sleeve.

"Remiel is going to take her to heaven, where she'll become an angel," Raine nodded, holding on to her brother.

"Yes. She's coming with me, where she'll lose the last thing that makes her human - her heart and her memory," Remiel smirked.

"Colette will forget about us?" Genis wailed.

"Colette, no!" Lloyd cried. "You can't leave the people that love you! Your family, us, and...and me! We'll all miss you!"

"Stop," Runic grabbed a ribbon and yanked the swordsman back, armlocking him. "_Stop_."

"No! Let me go!" Lloyd screamed.

"**_Stop that_**."

"I'm sorry, everyone. Colette made me promise not to tell anyone. But...when she becomes an angel, she dies," Raine cried, tears coming down.

"But...but! That's...that's not happy at all!" Sheryl stomped the ground furiously.

"In doing so, she will be reborn as an angel." Remiel nodded curtly.

Lloyd broke free of Runic's hold and jumped up on the platform, howling with outrage. He grabbed Colette's hand and tried talking to her.

"Colette, don't leave us!" Lloyd gasped.

"You're choosing her over the world?" Remiel mocked. "The life of a single person will bring the regeneration of all the world!"

_Lloyd, please. I want to do this,_ Colette's voice spoke in Lloyd's mind.

"You knew this was going to happen?" Lloyd cried.

_Oh, you can hear me!_ Colette took Lloyd's hands. _That means I can say goodbye to you after all..._

"Colette...!"

_Lloyd, I want to regenerate the world. That way, everything will be better,_ Colette tightened her grip on his hands, smiling softly. _Lloyd, you've been such a great friend to me all these years. You've helped me live my sixteen years to the fullest._

She began to fly away.

_Looks like it's time..._

"No, Colette!"

She flew next to Remiel, closing her eyes.

"Yes! It is finally ready! Martel's vessel is finally complete! After this, I will become one of the Four Seraphim!" Remiel laughed.

"Does that mean they'll be five?" Sheryl pondered.

"You made her go through all this...for a **promotion**?" Runic roared, his eyes steaming like they did when he casted spells.

"What? Colette, come back!" Lloyd yelled.

"The Chosen has given up her soul of her own free will. She no longer has the heart to listen to you. She will now become the vessel for the goddess Martel!" Remiel swept their comments away. He laughed again as Colette opened her eyes, an empty, sad shade of red.

"She was your daughter!" Lynn shrieked. "How could you do that?"

"Daughter? She isn't my daughter. You inferior beings just started calling me her father on your own!" Remiel scoffed.

"You..." Lloyd gnashed his teeth.

"I have no need for you inferior beings anymore. Begone!" Remiel tossed light blasts at them.

"Just wondering, what's the party?" Lloyd asked in the split-second time-out the game gave them because it felt sorry for them.

"Colette, you, Lynn, and Runic," Sheryl counted on her fingers. "But Colette is all floaty dead up there so we need a replacement."

"What about her?" Lloyd pointed at that other dudette.

"Me? I'm flattered," she dusted her cap off. "Let's kick some male chauvinist butt."

Then the game resumed and there was massive ass-whopping.

"You're a joke," Lynn vaulted over a bolt, soaring for a moment. "Everything you are. It's a **_joke_**!"

"People like you...are a mockery of everything human!" Runic slung dark bolts at him.

"How can you stand for something so corrupt?" Lloyd slashed at the angel.

"_Things_ like you don't deserve to live," the Final One said, brandishing a quill. "Time to raise the cross."

She began scribbling in a notebook. "And thus Remiel was a loser," she read aloud, "and since he is a loser, he lost."

And it was thus.

Kratos stepped out of the shadows, standing over the fallen man.

"You're pathetic, Remiel," he said.

"L, Lord Kratos! Please, help me!" Remiel reached up.

"Remiel, I was once of the race you called inferior. And now you ask for my help?" Kratos tilted his head ever so slightly, sounding...amused. Remiel's lips twitched, torn between a snarl and a grin, and he fell.

"Kratos? What are you doing?" Lloyd backed up.

"I am taking the Chosen to Derris-Kharlan," Kratos put his hand on her back.

"Kratos! You betrayed us!" Sheena burst.

"Dammit, Kratos! Just who the hell are you?" Lloyd yelled.

"A fairy," the Final One scratched her cheek sheepishly.

"I am Kratos, one of the Four Seraphim," he turned, making majestic blue wings appear on his back.

"You...an angel?" Lynn snapped, stepping forward. "Give her back!"

"Do you earnestly think you can defeat me?" Kratos narrowed his eyes.

Everyone lunged, slashing for all they were worth. Kratos zipped around, dodging without a care.

"Make him stop!" Lloyd roared.

"Keep him still!" Runic snarled, missing with a sword made of anger and darkness, whipping his head to find that slippery dude.

"Too fast," Raine spun around, throwing Rays whenever she could spot him.

"I'm working on it," the Final One scribbled away. "And thus -"

Kratos slashed her in the back, bringing her down.

"Dag, yo."

"Kraigel!" Lynn screeched, throwing her weapons at the seraphim and slashing at what she could grab. But all she could find was a shadow.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are," Sheryl punched the ground where she last saw him with a fist the size of a pillar. "Come out, have some **fun**!"

"You can't hide," Sheena's cards flew everywhere, cutting everything they touched. "Stop being a coward!"

"Oop," Genis rolled away from Kratos' blade, kendama tangling the seraphim's legs, bringing him down with a Grave. "Gotcha."

"We've got him!" the group closed in like a giant mouth, teeth and claws brandishing.

Suddenly there was a flash of light, bowling the mouth over.

"I do hope I'm not late?" a new angel tossed his golden hair, flapping his rainbow wings. He was dressed in white and seemed holy, but his eyes were dark and merciless.

"Lord Yggdrasill," Kratos knelt.

"The vessel for Martel is finally ready?" the angel asked, looking over at Colette with a bored interest. In fact, his whole demeanor just radiated _bored_. Bored with _everything_. Wanting this to be _over_. You're all wasting my _time_. Jesus _Christ_.

"Yes," Kratos responded, standing.

"You're Yggdrasill, leader of Cruxis?" Genis rubbed his head, trying to dislodge himself from the pile of people.

"This is Lord Yggdrasill, leader of Cruxis and the Desians," Kratos explained, gesturing. The rainbow angel shrugged.

"_And_ the Desians?" Lloyd coughed.

"Yes. But no matter, it is time for you all to die. I trust you have no objections?" Yggdrasill turned to Kratos, grinning.

"Humph."

Ignoring him, Yggdrasill upset the pile of people by leaping into the middle, causing a shock that threw everyone into the air. He laughed as he tossed them about, watching them flail helplessly, drained of their energy.

"This is too easy!" he laughed, letting them all drop with rather worrisome crunches.

"You...!" Lloyd got up, charging at him.

"Oh, you silly boy," Yggdrasill sighed, whipping a hand out. Lloyd was picked up off the ground and slung into a pillar, which broke and toppled over him.

Everything seemed lost, but then Botta and his boys ran in!

"Dang it, we're too late. They've already performed the ritual! Grab the Chosen!" he ordered. The Desians shot at the angels, distracting them long enough to grab the Chosen and the fallen group and booking it. And and! AND.

"What should we do?" Kratos asked, not turning.

"Hmm. Just Botta and those filthy Renegades ruining my plans again," Yggdrasill rubbed his chin. "But, it matters not. Come, Kratos! We must depart," he turned while waving his arm in the air. A portal awaited them and Yggy-man strode through.

Kratos hesitated, turning around.

"Don't die, Lloyd."

* * *

"Ooooh..."

"Aoowwww..."

"Feilat mauger, watel ich..."

"My leg...is not supposed to be like that..."

Lloyd's eyes opened after a bit of insisting and told him he was in an unfamiliar room. His bones told him he shouldn't be so reckless next time, and his head told him that Advil was his friend.

He sat up with difficulty, taking a look about the room. Everyone except Colette were on beds like he was, groaning with pain. Colette's eyes were just as vacant as before. To make the entire situation even more infuriating, she was untouched.

"Colette," Lloyd called out to her. She didn't even budge.

"Give up," the Final One said, not looking up. "She's gone, man." She was also sitting up, the only signs of damage she had were covered up by bandages slung around her head and chest. She scribbled quickly.

Raine heaved herself to one side, resting on the wall. She cast a look around.

"Everyone all right?" she rasped.

"I see colors I never knew existed," Runic answered, staring at the ceiling. He frowned suddenly. "Oh, you shut up."

"Seeing things again, Runic?" Sheryl slooped.

"It's right there!" Runic threw his arms up and immediately grimaced and dropped them. "Stupid butterfly...

...I said shut up."

"Are you arguing with your hallucination of a butterfly?"

"I remember this place," Lynn sniffed. "It had that zappor thing."

"This is the Desian base in Triet," Raine nodded.

"Don't the Desians want to kill us?" Lloyd stiffened, learning quickly that that was a bad idea.

"Actually," Raine rubbed her head and poked at the bandages around her chest (oh my god everyone's naked 'cept the band-aids oooh sexy) "these ones are called Renegades. They're _against_ the Desians."

"You know this why?" Runic spat, pouting when the spittle landed on his face. (He's on his back yo!)

"I was conscious for a while back," she glared at him (or tried, he's across the room) "I heard things."

"Fine."

"Then why do they dress like Desians?" Lynn frowned.

"I don't know. Can everyone try to get a little closer to the center?" Raine heaved herself over to the end of her bed, prompting everyone to do the same. All the beds were in a sloppy circle, so that made that easier.

"This is all so confusing," Lloyd mumbled.

"It all happened so fast," Genis agreed. "I'm a little shook too."

"Let's go over what we know," Raine coughed.

"Alright. So Kratos is working for Cruxis, an organization that also controls the Desians. The Chosen's job is to regenerate the world, or reverse the mana flow. When Yggdrasill, whom I'm guessing is their leader, was about to kill us, the Renegades stepped in and saved us."

"Oh wow," Sheryl held her head.

"Alright, so they're Renegades, against the Desians, and we don't know why they look like Desians?" Lloyd repeated.

"Yes, that's correct."

"Oooh, wow," Sheryl rubbed her head again.

"What about that vessel for Martel thing?" Lloyd asked.

"That we don't know," Raine shook her head.

A 'Desian' peeked in the doorway.

"If you're feeling well enough, our leader, Lord Yuan, would like to speak with you."

"Get me some tea, commoner," Runic glowered at him.

"We don't got no tea."

"Gorram it."

The Desian poser dude left.

"I'm not in any shape to do _anything_," Sheena clutched her sides.

"I don't think I could heal anyone," Raine admitted.

"Oooh, my head..." Sheryl whimpered. "I...guess I can try..."

"**_No_**," Runic barked.

"Oh yeah, I remember the last time I tried doing things with a headache. Haha..."

"I can do it," the Final One said without looking up again, scribbling away.

"You?" Genis blinked.

"It took me a while to write it so it wouldn't go against The Rules," she explained, "which sucks because I wrote them in the first place, but anyway, I did it," she showed off a page full of tiny writing.

"Reading that would be a monster," Sheena remarked.

"True, but there's a way to get around that," the Final One turned it over and wrote, reading aloud,

"And thus did everything, on this sheet of paper, happen."

And it was thus, the reality of it burning the paper.

"I still hurt, but not as much," Lynn stretched.

"I tried," the Final One pulled her cap on, shoving the nose down.

"We should be able to walk around like this. Everyone, get dressed so we can meet this 'Yuan' person..."

"Up already?" the Desian dude person asked as they assembled. "This way."

They were led to the room they fought Botta in. The caped blue-haired ponytail dude turned around. "So you've come."

"Thanks for helping us back there," Lloyd said, not sure what else to say.

"Yes," Yuan said, which didn't help the conversation very much.

Lloyd noticed Botta standing next to Yuan.

"Why do you oppose the Desians?" Lloyd asked.

"We don't oppose only the Desians; we oppose Cruxis as well. What they're trying to do is wrong," Yuan nodded a tiny bit.

"What are they trying to do?"

"C'mon, use your brain for once."

"They're trying to resurrect the goddess Martel by using the Chosen One, correct?" Raine stepped in.

"I see you're not all stupid," Botta nodded the tiny Renegade nod.

"Hey!"

"They're trying to bring back the goddess Martel. We needed to stop them, so obviously the Chosen was an obstacle. That's why Botta tried to kill her at the chapel," Yuan explained. "They operate Cruxis out in the open, and operate the Desians from behind the scenes."

"Arranged marriages, raising the Chosen, making Exspheres...hmm, they're quite busy," Raine held her chin, looking down like she does when she's all thinking and stuff.

"Yes. But enough," Yuan took his hand out of his cape. "Lloyd, give me your Exsphere."

"What? Why does everyone want my Exsphere?" Lloyd put his hand over it.

"None of your business," Yuan's eyes narrowed. Instantly, the group was surrounded by Renegades!

"Don't touch the Chosen! Right now her only thought is self-preservation. Keep your lives!" Yuan warned as the mob closed in.

Apparently they went too close for her comfort, because she slashed at them, whirling in a deadly cyclone.

"Let's book, peeps," Sheryl ran out. The others, except for Colette who was busy killing people, and Lloyd, because he's stupid or something, ran behind.

"Why are you doing this?" Oh, that's why.

"Hey y'all," Finality (since 'the Final One' is annoying) poked around the corner. "Let's go of the now."

Colette stopped and followed them out.

"They're catching up!" Sheryl panted.

"Corrine!" Sheena tossed a card, and the little fox spirit appeared with a bang. "Distract 'em!"

Cue Shrek 2 fightscene! CUTE FACE of **KICK YOUR ASS**

So then the people did a stupid block puzzle (why the hell would you own a base, and put puzzles in it? Must be hard for intellectually-challenged employees.)

"Those Renegades have to make up their minds whether or not they're our friends," Lloyd huffed.

"Like me. Ohoho."

"Who said that?"

"I don't know, but I'm telling you it's not Raine!"

"Sheena, does everyone in your world have an Exsphere?" Raine asked out of the blue.

"Well that was sudden," Sheena agreed with the text. "No, the Renegades came and distributed them a while back at the Institute."

"I see."

"How'd you get here, anyhow?" Lynn asked.

"I passed the barrier by using these machines the Renegades brought us. Rheiards, I believe they were called," Sheena put a finger on her lip. "The Renegades were also the ones that sent me to kill Colette."

"We didn't ask, but that's nice to know," Sheryl sucked her thumb. Gasp she's eating herself!

"Maybe we can use these Rheiards to escape to Tethe'alla. Do you think anyone there would know how to help Colette?" Raine had a look around.

"Maybe someone at the Institute would know," Sheena shrugged.

"We're going to Tethe'alla, we're going to Tethe'alla!" Sheryl danced with her brother.

"I thought we came here to get something from Ifreet..."

"You shut up!" Sheryl inflated like a balloon.

"I think the Rheiards should be in the hangar," Sheena started walking.

La la...

They arrived in a room with a dragon-looking machine floating in the middle, floating in a huge open dome, resting.

"So these must be the Rheiards," Lloyd shielded his eyes to look at them better.

"Psh," Mr. Mysterious Silver Hair Hat Man snorted. "Back in _my_ place, they're called Techbirds."

"Go back to your time zone," Finality made shooing gestures, blowing him away as if a tornado picked him up.

"Remind me never to make her mad."

"Come on, let's ride!" Lynn leaped and felt it roar to life. No really. It like...roared. LIKE THE BATMOBILE RWAWR

"Hurry! I think they're coming!" Raine shouted over the din.

"Let's go!" Lloyd pushed forward on the handlebars.

The Rheiards floated up, roared again, surged ahead...

And with a cough and a sputter, fell to the ground.

"Oh no!" Sheena jumped around hers. "They were working just fine when I came here!"

"Barricade the wall!" Runic shouted. They used one of the blocks from the gorram puzzles.

"Worry not!" Sheryl beamed. "Does anyone have a phone?"

"I do, but my service doesn't carry across worlds," Sheena said. Because every Japanese girl can't afford to go without her cell phone!

"Oh, I found one," Sheryl walked over to the wall, dialing.

"Hello? Yeah, we're having Rheiard problems. Okay...okay. Come quick!"

She hung up.

"They should be here any minute now," She smiled.

"How are they going to come in without using the door?" Sheena coughed. "And who are 'they' anyway?"

"Hi, I'm from Reiko," a guy raised his right arm. In his left he had a toolbox. His hair was blazing white, and stuck out sort of like a tame tumbleweed. His armor was light, more made of cloth than anything. He had a name tag that read 'Caliph Petrovich', but name tags are misleading! We'll call him 'guy' for now until he tells us what his name is...

"That was quick," Sheryl clapped.

"We at Reiko pride ourselves in our fast service," the guy said as if he said it every day. "Where's the fire?"

"Well, the Rheiards weren't...actually, yes they are," Sheryl looked out at the burning machines. How they caught fire, I don't know...!

"Oh boy. These ones are old models," the guy smoothed his armor and leaped down, as if the fire wasn't the problem.

"For this place, they're new," Finality faced him long enough to say. Then she went back to being bored. That takes _concentration_, man.

"Oh I see."

"You carry a sword," Runic remarked at the Reiko rep.

"This is a part-time job," he answered.

"What else do you do?"

"I hunt cockateri..."

"Tweedledee, tweedledum," Sheryl acted out with her thumbs. "How are you, Mr. Tweedledee? Oh I'm doing fine..."

"These are Dergon Mk IIIs, right?" the Reiko rep called.

Sheryl, who was the group rep for now (she's the one that bought the insurance thing) waddled over. "Uh, yeah, sure."

"They're bunged up pretty bad."

"Uh, yeah, sure."

"Y'know..." the guy frowned. "How 'bout I just give you mine for now? I can't fix this without a workshop."

"But...my friends need a ride too," Sheryl flailed.

"Don't worry," the guy fished in his pocket for some keys. With a chirp, a large ship appeared, flapping.

"It's like a flying EC!" Sheena gasped.

"Nice, isn't it?" the guy smiled. "You should check out her engine, riced it myself."

So while everyone boarded the guy stuck the Rheiards (the burning ones) into the trunk and climbed on.

"Cushy," Finality bounced on the seats.

"Everyone comfortable?" the guy turned around, settling himself in the pilot's seat. "Sorry if it's a little cramped."

"What's your name?" Sheryl asked, ignoring his question.

"Me? I'm Caliph...can't you read?"

"We wanted to make sure."

"Smart..."

"Now can we go?" Raine said icily.

"Fasten your...never mind, I don't got any," Caliph pressed some buttons and the ship lurched, then sped ahead.

They passed through a portal and some weird spectrum-y space, and then they reappeared in a new place, mountains all around.

"Tethe'alla!" Lynn pressed her face against the window. "How pretty!"

"Eh...whoa, hey!" Caliph cursed, turning sharply.

"What's going on!" Runic demanded, not enjoying being thrown around like a box with the word 'fragile' on it. Remember, the more warnings it has, the less dangerous it is!

"There's...a flock of dragons!" Caliph sputtered. "Shit one of them's going to crash into us -"

**BANGOWFIZZLEKRIZZLEBOOMEXPLAODIE!!**

"We're going down!"

"And thus...there was a pretty explosion..."

"We don't want an explosion at all! We could die in one of those!"

"Fine, a pretty _harmless_ explosion..."

"Is she going to blow up my ship?" Caliph worried.

"You can fix these things, right?" Sheryl worry-sweated.

"Fine, a pretty, harmless, _insignificant_ explosion..."

"What is with you and explosions?"

"Oh, screw it! And thus they **crashed**!" Finality jammed her quill down.

"Oops."

"Uh-oh."

And it was thus.

* * *

If the Kratos battle scene seemed overdone to you, I'm sorry.

I read Lord of the Flies.

So sue me.


	18. Attack of the ITALICS

Disclaimer: I own ToS in the sense I have the box. Actually it's my brother's. I lose.

**Character note:  
Whoever thinks I'm Finality, please go to the blackboard and write "'Urby' does not start with an 'F'" fifty times. **

**HAY KIDS. GUE'Z WHAT!**

Runic - I mean Green Mage/Magicite/Magio/Magic diddly thing wrote some of this chapter, because Urby _fails **at life**_! Go give him a pat on the back; I'm busy trying to get him to get me Tales porn. I mean. Happy fun images!

...And trying to decide whether I like his 'I know what my character is'-Runic or my 'freaking PANIC'-Runic better...but that's later...

This was originally meant to be a single chapter, but with my original, GM's version and my added necessary shit it would have ended up more than six pages (I stopped adding stuff from his draft around the end of the fourth) so sorry! Something exciting happens next chapter. Although, you know, each chapter is exciting in its own right. RIGHT.

But Mr. Green, READ THE ENTIRE THING ANYWAY I FRIGGIN CHANGED PARTS OTHER THAN YOURS - besides my writing is just irresistible. RIGHT.

* * *

And it was a glorious crash indeed! On top of a glorious mountain on top of that.

"That...was the most delicious crash I've ever had," Sheryl squealed.

"It was _wizard_!" Finality coughed some smoke. "L-_eh_-t's do it again!"

"Goodness!" a tail complained, buried underneath some debris. "Watch where you're going next time!"

"You're the one that went and careened into us!" Caliph snapped.

"Get me out of here, you bunch of ignorant buffoons," the tail swished indignantly.

So they yanked on the tail until it revealed which butt it stuck to. Oh my, it was a dragon!

"Ahem," the dragon dusted his shoulders, as if expecting the group to worship him and demand they make him their leader. His ears were majestically long, and he had an impressive set of horns. A gem on his head gleamed and had golden 'wings' sticking out of it. His real wings were wide and magnificent. A flowing mane came down from the crown of his splendid head. Surely, after such a description, he would be irresistible!

"Ew," Sheryl hid behind Runic.

"What?" the dragon's face fell. "I'm irresistible, courtesy of the text!" he struck a pose. "Right?"

"Oh gods," Sheena buried her face in her hands.

"What?" Finality raised an eyebrow. Just so you know, she can shrink, so if this was a comic it'd be so she would be barely in the frame? Yeah. Small detail but it's there okay. In fact, she's pretty short. (Ha, small, short. Guffaw.) She's normally pretty tall, but for this place she's short mmkay.

"Nothing..."

"Ah, very deep!"

"Well," the dragon grinned, waiting for them to ask his name.

"What were you doing?" Runic shuffled so his arms wouldn't feel like they were broken. Again.

"What?" the dragon's face fell again. "Oh yes. We dragons felt a mana surge. It was so weird we wanted to go somewhere else. And then _you_...you guys appeared out of nowhere and you crashed into us!" he suddenly remembered he was very mad at them, and fumed animatedly.

"That's right! The Spirits here must have fallen asleep after Colette switched the power around. If the dragons hadn't brought us down, the lack of power to the engine would have," Sheena nodded once.

"You do not look like the dragons from here," Caliph remarked.

"Of course not," the dragon composed himself and looked sparkling again, glad someone was commenting on his appearance. "_I'm_ not from here. I am Wyv, nephew of Bahamut. You may bask in my grandeur..." he spun slowly.

"Wyv," Runic's jaw dropped. "I can't believe it."

"What, pipsqueak?" Wyv snorted.

"Can't you recognize me?" Runic was jumping about in rage. "I'm Runic! Runic, that guy you knew and you were friends with back -"

"**Runic?**" Wyv's mouth split into a grin. "**Dude.**"

Sheryl shuffled her foot in the grass, feeling left out since she had no idea who this Wyv person came from, which made her ashamed because she knew she should know.

"You totally cut your 'do," Wyv fiddled with Runic's short hair. "You like...used to have a mane before."

"Shut up..."

"I'm interested," Finality slurped a milkshake.

"Oh, it was the greatest thing ever," Wyv sauntered over. "It was like...a giant white afro."

"Amazing," Finality said in a tone of voice that suggested the exact opposite. Slurp.

"And then everyone in the court -"

"**_Shut up._**"

"Parsley," Finality slurped in her 'weh' tone. "There was something juicy in that one." Slurp.

"Well, then, I guess since Rune-ick is here, I better tag along," Wyv strutted. "Hook you up with this hawt chick here."

"Get yo' claw off me. And I am not 'hawt'."

"But look at the color of her eyes! Shocking," Wyv went on, tilting Lynn's head toward Runic's direction.

"I prefer blue..."

_Wyv has joined your party! Whether you like it or not._

Seeing the Rheiards were out of power and rather broken anyway, they decided to head down the mountain, tearing Caliph from his beautiful ship.

"But I can fix it! Just give me a few days nooooo...don't take me away _plee-hee-hee-heeeezzz_..."

"You're party. Dead end," Finality slurped.

_Caliph has joined your party! Poor guy._

"But we don't even know where to go," Lynn hacked some dust.

"We should get to Meltokio," Sheena wiped her nose.

"Where would that be?" Genis rubbed his aching bum.

"Just down the mountain some," Sheryl pointed at a gleaming city in the distance. "That's it, right?"

"Yeah."

"Oh okay!"

Bumble bumble dee dum...

"Oh look, monsters," Lloyd said because he hasn't said anything lately.

"I'm starved," Wyv gobbled them up.

"Well, that's one less mouth to feed," Raine blinked.

"Lacks the tart of a good imp roast," Wyv pulled out a toothpick and gunked some meat out of his pretty fanglies.

Vroom!

"Guys, I have to go," Sheena said as they approached the city gates.

"What?" Sheryl turned. "Why?"

"Well, I haven't killed the Chosen, and I brought her here, besides. I have to report to my chief and explain things. Please, give this letter to the King."

There was a pretty cream letter with Sheena's scratchy writing on it.

"That should get you an audience with the King."

"Yoink," Genis snatched it.

So Sheena left them to explore the humunginormousomg city.

"Woosh!" Lynn shielded her eyes and scanned around. "Lots...and lots...of rich people!"

"No stealing," Caliph bonked her on the head with his right fist.

"Ou...that really hurt, you..."

They were walking up to the building which was obviously the castle when they almost bumped into a bunch of frilly girls and a very pink girl - oh wait no he didn't have any breasts. Oh, drat! I love those things. But if you tossed that the long rose hair and slender body coulda fooled ya.

"What's this?" he said in that smooth, honeylike voice those lady's (ladies? Augh) men have. "I've never seen you lovely people around here before."

"Because I've never really been to a city," Wyv tried to mimic his sweet voice. It turned out...okay. "I've been in palaces and towers, but this is quite low..."

"He means us chicks, ya nerd," Finality snorted.

"What?"

"So," Mr. Suave Pink Hair Girly Man ran a hand through his hair, causing the frilly girls to swoon. "Where you all from?"

"None of your damn business," Lynn spat.

Ignoring that comment, the pink dude turned to Colette.

"Oh, what a lovely angel," he smiled his dazzling, toothpaste commercial grin. "You know, I have a feeling you look as cute as a button when you smile."

"Good luck with that," Runic muttered, rolling his eyes. A butterfly landed on his head. "GACK! IT'S REAL THIS TIME!"

Colette tipped her head at the pink thing that was talking to her. Maybe tipped isn't a good word, her head sort of went at a right angle, she just let it flop.

The dude took a step and with a snap Colette threw him up into the air.

"Oh no, Master Zelos!" the frilly ladies screamed.

With a graceful flip, he landed on his feet. He even had time to do a handstand in the air. Crazy huh?

"That's so crazy, that just screams Exsphere," Sheryl bounced her fists up and down.

"Well, a little feisty, aren't we?" he dusted himself off and the frilly girls showered him with preppy praise. "I'll come back when you're a little tamer. See ya!"

And without another word, he up and left. I do wonder what that 'up' signifies.

"Man," Genis coughed, trying to get the imaginary stupidity out of his nose, "what an _ass_!"

"Normally I'd hit you for that, but I agree," Raine sighed.

"He had more girls than I did," Wyv whined.

"Oh, go home and cry about it, will ya." Slurp.

"Castle," Lynn reminded them with a point. But not necessarily at the castle itself.

They managed to get in, but were stopped by the guard inside. They wore weirdo green and gold armor that looked like a scarecrow.

"Halt! What is your business?"

"We wish the see the King," Lloyd held out the letter.

"The King isn't taking audiences right now," the guard ignored him and his silly piece of paper. "He is very ill. Please come back in a few weeks when he feels better. In the meantime, you can attend a service at the church and pray for his wellbeing."

The group slumped outside (except Finality who was too busy slurping to feel down, and besides, she knows things'll pick up)

"Dang," Lloyd sighed.

"Why aren't we going to the church?" Finality did a jig on the rock-slide railing things beside the stairs.

"Yeah," Lloyd sighed again.

"Giving up?"

"No!"

"**Good!**"

"Hey, that format is my thing," Runic pouted. "But I've got italics so never mind."

So they filed into the church.

"Hey -" Lloyd began, causing the pastor to turn around.

"Ah, Presea!" the pastor spread his arms out, and they realized he wasn't paying attention to them. They turned around to see a pink-haired girl dragging a large log as if it were an awkward teddy bear. Her hair was up in pigtails that exploded out of her head.

"She can carry a _lot_ of wood...heh..."

"You loser."

"Presea, you'll need to get that log over to the palace," the pastor said gently.

"I see," the pigtail girl nodded, and left simply.

"Her hair's even the color of pigs," Finality remarked. "Pig-girl," she nodded a few times, confirming and agreeing with her own statement, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "Even 'Pig Presea' is an alliteration. I should remember that. _I _**should**."

"You're weird."

"Not to be confused with, you know, that Pig/boar of a man of a Magnius," she went on. "Buusagi! Haha. Buusagi _racing_."

"Wow, she's nuts."

"Peony would have a cow - but _are_ cows over there? I should ask."

"She's getting away!" Lynn pointed to the Pig-girl. "And she's got that omhumungous log of...sacred wood!"

"Hey, we can use her to get in the castle," Sheryl's lightbulb went off. Then it completed a circuit with her hair and she got totally fried.

They caught up to Presea the Pig-girl. Oink?

"Hey, you need help with that?" Lloyd proposed. NOT AS IN MARRIAGE.

"No," she continued her dragging.

"You must have carried it far," Lynn offered. "The sacred wood forest or whatever's a long way, right? You must be tired."

"Alright," Ms. Oink let go.

"Quit calling her pig names!" Genis sobbed.

"Fine, but you got to carry the log." Slurp.

Lloyd and Genis positioned themselves on either side of the log and heaved. It didn't even budge.

"I've lost all confidence as a man."

"Me too."

"Here, let me try," Wyv grinned his supercilious (super silly?) grin. "You, help me."

"Fine," Caliph shuffled.

They managed...to move it a tiny bit.

"What is this thing?" Wyv bawled.

"Now I have no faith in man."

"Why don't you use your right hand, Caliph?" Finality looked up at him without moving her head.

"It won't make a difference."

"So you say..."

"You're _lazy_," Sheryl turned to her brother dear. "You didn't even offer to try."

"I'm a mage, you idiot," Runic twirled a piece of straw in his fingers. "Strength is not my strong point. In fact, my existence _here_ has been completely devoted to the study of the life force you call 'mana', for one day..."

"Internal monologues inside your own heads, please!" Raine interrupted loudly.

"Holy shit, that was actually pretty interesting," Finality nearly dropped her milkshake. Or at least she stopped drinking it for a while. Either way, it was pretty amazing.

Then the Pig...I mean Presea got impatient or something and resumed her dragging yay.

"Silly boys," Lynn laughed heartily. "Girl power owns _everything_!"

"Sure got that right," Finality chuckled into her drink, completely forgetting what was so interesting a few minutes ago for the moment. "In fact, one of the Intellijencia has the _perfect_ gal to prove it."

"Really?" Raine was interested, ignoring the mysterious 'Intellijencia' thing for now.

"Ja, her name was...Ku...Chloe! Yeah, she's the one. Just drop dead _gorgeous_, not to mention she can do some pretty, deadly moves with a sword," Finality lead on the group of girls, taking great pleasure in telling her story to her rapt audience, leisurely sipping her drink. (That is not pronounced 'ya' by the way. Say it with a J. I mean it. Don't let me catch you doing otherwise.)

"Tethe'alla to pipsqueak!" Wyv waved his paw in front of Genis' face.

"She's...strong," the little mage couldn't hold himself up, the blood rushing to his face. "Just...wow."

Wyv's face smoothly shifted into a devious smirk. "Yeah...and you get to watch her from _behind_...watching her little tush go swish, swish..."

"Stop it," Runic pulled on the dragon's mane.

"I'm just supplying _helpful_ advice!"

"Hey, we're in," Sheryl realized.

"We're here about the sacred wood for the ceremony," Raine explained to the guard.

"Wha? Oh, okay."

"Good job he ain't the one before. He'd a recognized us."

So they were free to bumble about the place. Steal that thar vase! Knock over the cabinet! Er. I mean.

"Where's the king's chambers?" Sheryl wondered.

"You have to follow the scent of wealth," Lynn concentrated, pressing her fingers to the sides of her head. "There!"

Well they arrived. After a bit of talking with the green scarecrow guard, they got inside.

"What?" Runic blurted, jabbing a finger at...the pink man from that afternoon.

"Well hello," Mr. Suave Pink Hair Girly Man flicked his head.

"Quiet you," a priest shushed.

Totally interrupting the ceremony and all that cool stuff the party gave the king the silly letter and asked for help.

"Aherm!" the pope coughed, reading the letter along with the sickly king. "Please, all of you, head on over to - herm - the guest room as we decide what to do. Herm hem!"

At the plush room of waiting...

"I could stay here forever," Lynn bounced on the red cushy seats.

"Wouldn't you need to eat?"

"Er."

"There's something wrong with this situation," Raine paced.

"Never trust popes," Finality traced the intricate design on the wall. "How on _earth_ did _this_ complicated bugger get in this hole? I can't recognize it..."

"This...this...!" Runic was tightening his fists to the point where they actually looked _white_.

"Runic," Wyv actually looked **serious** and _concerned_. Gosh! I really am abusing them italics this chapter.

The pope and three scarecrow guards entered the room, immediately causing everyone to stand.

The pope cleared his throat a few times. "The King has decided that in order to preserve Tethe'alla, the Chosen of Sylvarant must die."

"You!" Lloyd got into a battle position.

"Chill, ya freak," Wyv patted his shoulder with a smug look. "Let your gal-pal take care of these goons."

Pretend this is a freaking paragraph devoted to the ownage of the guards...yes, that's right, you can all take a break now...Go _away_, I'm looking at some other literature right now! ...Alright, let's continue.

"Didn't I tell you not to underestimate these people?" Mr. Suave Pink Hair Girly Man entered the room, a hand fiddling with hair.

"Hem," the pope coughed. "Fine, take them to the Imperial Research Academy in Sybak. Zelos, don't you dare leave," he pointed at the man. "You shall accompany them."

"What?" Zelos' tone wasn't as much complaining as it was amused. "Okay then. You all meet me at the church, alright?" and _then_ he left.

"Yay, I _love_ walking," Genis rubbed his tiny cute elf toes. Sheryl took this moment to steal a sock discreetly. I bet she takes lessons from Lynn!

Doo dee doo...

"...And then she found out I was there, and...well, let's just say I'll never look at a bar of soap the same way again," Zelos was recounting one of his tales to a savage-looking man who laughed heartily along with him.

"Man, you _crazy_," the savage slapped his knee. "I never would'a thunk you could sneak int'a a hotspring like _that_."

"Moses," a girl said in an icy tone, which apparently made Finality jump.

"There -- that's! Hey!" she shouted, but the girl and the wild man had already left.

"Greetings!" Zelos turned to face them, his most _dazzling_ (italics necessary) grin. "Salutations! Buenos Dias! All that wonderful 'hello' stuff! So I'll be adventuring along with you lovely ladies...?" he approached Raine, attempting to take her hand.

"And those dashing dudes," Sheryl attempted to keep up the alliteration.

"Lloyd loped through long lilies, looking for his lady love," Finality rattled off.

"What the _heck_?"

"Hee."

"So are we getting out of here or what?" Lloyd was getting impatient at this entire silly bunch.

"Sure thing, brah."

"Doesn't that come from somewhere?"

"It's like, mondo heavy...oops, I probably shouldn't be quoting that."

* * *

THIS IS AN EXCITING TRANSITION THING

"Well, I managed to get us some rooms and the lounge for tonight," Finality held up some cards. "Everyone has to pair up, so share, losers."

"Sweet," Lynn and Sheryl ganked them a card. The other rooms were sorted out similarly. The peeps-oles put their bags down and slid downstairs to relax in the lounge.

Caliph placed a tile on the board. "There."

"Oh, I hate you!" Sheryl pouted. "You're too good at this game!"

"It's just a strategy," Caliph tried to stop the water-sprite-girl from going on a rampage and knocking over the tiles.

"Strategy, huh?" Sheryl was steaming. "Well, strategy this! **_BLITZKREIG_**!" and she bowled the board over with a hand.

"Peace! Peace!" Caliph flung his arms up.

"...So you see, the root 'kle' ends up in many words," Lynn bent over a piece of paper as Raine nodded thoughtfully. "But, in this sentence, you should use 'gar', because this is a negative phrase, so it's the 'denial' vocabulary..."

"...Are we going to keep the little lady with us?" Finality's milkshake was gone.

"N-n...I think that she should...have a s-safe trip home," Genis scuffed the floor with a foot.

"That's true. Home is where your heart is."

"...I don't really want to talk about it," Runic turned his head away from the dragon.

"Come on, fill me in, man," Wyv gently nudged the dark one's shoulder.

"Well, fine..."

"...Lynn, a 'wounded' on the horizon!" Sheryl nudged the golden-eyed girl, obviously talking in some seekrit code.

"Really? Sorry Prof, I'll get thinking about the next lesson," Lynn got up, following the water child.

"You have the 'wonderful'?"

"Of course I do, idiot!"

"...And that's how I ended up here. I was able to save Diana, and...well."

"Heh, that psycho's still alive. So from what I've heard, the palace..."

"...Greetings, my fair friend!" Lynn flourished a grand-looking vase to the prospective customer over at the items store. "_This_ here is a brilliant example of the King's most prized objects - straight from his hands! Now I'm supposed to keep it and be all courteous, but I _know_ you need this excellent piece _far_ more than I do! I will sell it to you for...ten thousand gald!"

"Ly - Viviana," Sheryl tapped her shoulder, remembering the code, "that one dude over at the bread shop says he'll buy it for twenty thousand -"

"What? The bread shop? I'll take it for _thirty_ thousand," the item store owner bellowed. "Anything to outdo those foreigners!"

"Great, then thirty thousand it is," Lynn placed the vase with precise care on the table, only letting go when the money was in her hand. The pair of girls left in a gaggle.

"Wait - now I won't be able to buy next week's stock of apple gummis..."

"...Colette?"

No answer.

"...I know you can't hear me but..."

A sort-of blink.

"I miss you. We all miss you...please...get better..."

"...Cree?" Diana tipped her head.

"I...I miss it."

"Whoo," Diana whistled.

* * *

And then the moon went up and everyone went to bed! Because that's how it works in cartoons and lots of RPGs.

Lloyd stepped outside, unable to sleep. The familiar glint of moonlight across a blade brought him out of his thoughts.

"Caliph?"

The young man was polishing some sword moves in the knoll outside the grounds, which seemed a bit like dancing. His cape made swirling shapes as the swordsman used a single hand to manipulate his sword. His free one seemed to have its own agenda, making broad sweeping movements.

"Caliph!" Lloyd called a little louder, reaching the top of the hill.

"Oh, sorry there, friend. What brings you here?" Caliph stopped, sheathing his blade.

"Well," Lloyd looked aside. "Couldn't sleep, so I thought I might take a walk..."

"That is a good idea," Caliph resumed his training, without the sword this time. "It is a nice night."

Lloyd watched the whirling gestures for a while before asking "You hunt cockateri, don't you?"

"Vile animals, yes," Caliph punctuated this with an uppercut. "They turned my dear friend into stone..." he swung his blade-arm. "Then they crushed her."

"I'm sorry," Lloyd looked at the ground, thinking of his friend within her wall of hypothetical stone.

Caliph spun his blade-arm and jumped with a kick. "...Mother and Father had special techniques for different beasts. I try to find it."

"They were both fighters?" Lloyd tried to emulate his movement.

"Yes. Father met Mother on battlefield, actually." Caliph noted this and slowed down his motions. "She was on opposite side. At first, not so pretty, but - they loved," he smiled at this memory. "It was a very happy time."

"Did anything happen to them?" Lloyd stabbed the air in front of him.

Caliph was silent for a while. "Mother...she...she left one day. Father went to look for her. I was all alone, so I left too." He stopped. "I took a job over at Reiko to cover costs, and well...now I'm here," he dusted his pants.

"Will you teach me that technique?" Lloyd asked, curious about the other swordie's strange skill.

"Eh? Oh, sure, if you want."

* * *

And the nighttime is over!

"We should be heading over to the Grand Bridge," Zelos indicated on a convenient map in the inn/House of Salvation/PLACE. "Sybak is right over the other side."

"Geez, that bridge is looooong," Finality traced it with a finger. "Well, at least this whole place ain't covered head-to-toe with water. She's got it bad over there."

"Who what?"

And off they went like a bunch of happy little munchkins! Except Runic, who's an emo little munchkin. Oh, and Finality, who's a...er. I can't tell you. Heehee, that makes her sound so mysterious!

"Holy moly - (author note in the middle of a quote: how come no one says that anymore?) that bridge is huge!" Genis rubbed his nose in astonishment.

"Listen and be amazed, bumpkins," Zelos lectured. "This is the greatest drawbridge in the world, connecting the continents of Altamira and Fooji. Its control system incorporates 3,000 Exspheres."

"Thousand?" Sheryl positively turned green.

"Three thousand...lives," Genis did that fun puke-but-you-catch-it-so-it-doesn't-get-on-the-floor thing.

"That's just three with a k on it," Finality didn't even give it a second thought.

"Three thousand worthless humans, working that thing up and down, every single time," Runic looked as if he would destroy the thing with the look he was giving it.

"Dark one!" Caliph put a hand on his shoulder. "Stop."

"What's with all the fuss?" Zelos was honestly bewildered.

"Well, we'd better tell you," Raine nodded.

Screen goes black...

"What the heck!"

"Someone has **five** minutes to remove their hand from my posterior or _shit_ will go down!"

"Eeeei!"

"He- I'M A GUY! I HAVE PROTECTION AGAINST GROPAGE!"

"Says you (heart sign)!"

Screen goes back to normal...

"What the hell was that?" Zelos rubbed his behind.

"Yeah. What _did_ happen?" Finality seemed to be the only one who was unaffected, adjusting her single eyepiece whilst everyone else either shivered or rubbed offended bits.

"We were molested while the screen was out," Sheryl shivered, trying to get the feeling of whatever-it-was by plunging her hand into her body, which...didn't look at all that hentai-y, _seriously_. You must be imagining things.

"Oh," Finality was either gently amused or totally astounded. "That's wonderful!"

**Finality has gained the title of "Divine Protection"!**  
_Well, something's up with that chick, anyway._

But the thing about the Exspheres somehow got explained and Zelos was all like 'whoa' and the others were like 'yeah' and Urby was like 'hey, I've got a quote in this paragraph'.

"Is that true?" Zelos pondered, looking at the bridge.

"Do you really believe we would make something like that up?" Raine snorted.

"Well, whatever. It's not like the dead are going to come back to life anyway, so look on the bright side of things!" Zelos put his arms up with a smile.

"I beg to differ," a black-haired swordsman with a pink cape challenged.

"And me too," a similar swordsman with a skull mask agreed.

"Oh you two," Finality laughed good-naturedly. "This isn't a good place for you. You're not appreciated."

"What?" both of them exclaimed.

"I appreciate you," she patted them away. "But the others, they just don't understand...!"

"Since we're on the topic, I noticed you and Presea have Exspheres," Lloyd put in. "Does everyone have them in this world? Sheena talked about them, but it didn't seem that way when she told us."

"Nope, got this one from those Renegade dudes. They passed a number of them out, to Sheena and the Papal Knights, that sort of lot."

"Is Presea's Exsphere from them, then?" Lynn looked at the mysterious gem on her neck.

"Well, little lady?"

"Mm..."

"Such _vocabulary_!"

And with that, the group marched over the bridge onto a new tomorrow! But 'tomorrow' is another chapter, fellas.

Oh wait Genis did have to play that Red Light/Green Light game.

Okay, _now_ we're done!


End file.
